I feel so detached I want to cancel my surgery because I don't feel I need it!
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MezDiaz
Member Posts: 25 ✭
I don't know where to start! I'm 45 and after ankle surgery (broken) and a massive pulmonary embolism, that according to the doctors I shouldn't have survived, I've been dealing with major depression for the last 4 years. I feel sad because I've learnt that when it comes down to it no one really cares about me other than my husband and kids. I've always cared for other people's happiness and feelings and found after my ankle, that when it came to me and my feelings and support, I had no one. I had no one to talk to and I was always told 'to get over it'.
Now the problem is that I was told I had breast cancer 3 weeks ago and it still hasn't sunk in. I don't feel as if it's me. My depression is good and I feel good, but TOO good. So good I don't feel anything at all. My logical brain says 'everyone has told you you have cancer and you need surgery' but I feel absolutely nothing and am so close to canceling my surgery. My specialist wanted to operate straight away but I asked to delay it for 5 weeks. People think I'm insane. I may just be! How can I get this to sink in so I can deal with it????
Now the problem is that I was told I had breast cancer 3 weeks ago and it still hasn't sunk in. I don't feel as if it's me. My depression is good and I feel good, but TOO good. So good I don't feel anything at all. My logical brain says 'everyone has told you you have cancer and you need surgery' but I feel absolutely nothing and am so close to canceling my surgery. My specialist wanted to operate straight away but I asked to delay it for 5 weeks. People think I'm insane. I may just be! How can I get this to sink in so I can deal with it????
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I suspect that you're probably in shock and that because of it, it doesn't seem real. Please listen to what your doctor is telling you. At least, if you don't agree, seek a second opinion. Take care.1
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Hi @MezDiaz, I`m so sorry that you have to even think about this, and I completely relate to your sense of denial. When I was first diagnosed with BC, I was super-fit and healthy. It just didn`t make sense and I couldn`t take it in at all. It felt like a mistake. I felt pissed off that my marathon training might be interrupted! It just takes time to adjust to the idea and accept it. Your diagnosis is still very new. I think it can be a sensible idea to ask for a delay before treatment- I know my Onc gave me some time to get my head around it and rest up before my treatment began. The other thing which helped me process the diagnosis was reading about Breast Cancer and gathering information. I also hope that you and your family can find some support. Certainly, there is plenty of support on this forum, and from BCNA. The women here are amazing and so understanding. Take care of yourself. xx4
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Hi @MezDiaz so sorry but u will find a lot of support here. I have only just started to process what has happened to me after 3 surgeries and chemo so I think as @Sister says u r probably in shock. Talk to your family and close friends about how u are feeling and please listen to your surgeon. Perhaps get a second opinion if u want. Thinking of u and sending big hugs xoxox3
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Hello @MezDiaz. You are having a rough trot. I think you should give the wonderful cancer nurses on the BCNA helpline a call. It's a good place to start. 1800 500 258.
Don't beat yourself up for not feeling anything. We all process this shitty thing at our own pace. I'm almost eight months past my diagnosis and still have to pinch myself sometimes that it's real.
However what you don't want to do is beat yourself up later for not taking action when you could have. Courage my sister, hang in there. Kate xox4 -
Just have faith in your doctors @MezDiaz. I was the same, I have what? I dutifully went in for surgery in a kind of a disbelieving fog, then had to have a second surgery because they didn't get it all the first time. Now that one really pee'd me off but when all was said and done and I got a copy of the pathology results, my doctors had been right. That cancer would have definitely gone crazy and killed me. The only way out of it was to have the surgery. Sometimes we don't want to have things done and I personally absolutely loathe hospitals but at least they let me go home the next day as that is the barest minimum they could keep me in.
I have had the depression as many on here have too. You do get through it. I tried the psychiatrists meds for it but I had an allergy to it but it did get me over the worst of it so look in to that one.
Choose an activity you like doing. For me, I have gotten in to jigsaw puzzles. I love the colors and the exercise it gives my arms sorting all the pieces and I usually have the laptop on watching netflix all day as well. I said to my hubby there is just nothing in me nowadays that makes me want to clean house or do washing. My nesting days are either gone forever or put in hold while I am on this hormone therapy. Lucky for me, hubby doesn't mind doing the chores and he said doing clothes washing is therapeutic for him. He is a keeper.
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Thank you everyone xx Talking to family and friends results in my getting 5 words out before they manage to turn the story around to be about them. I then find myself counselling everyone else as per usual! I think I've reached the point now where enough is enough and I need to look after me but the cancer doesn't register. I'm taking all your advice and just stick to the plan with surgery. I feel like I'm being rational in my thoughts but maybe I'm not and I'm in denial, so I'll go along with the doctors.
I'm taking your advice @Brenda5 with the hobbies (and not wasting time on so much cleaning!). And @kmakm I think I will call the nurses. Thank you xxx6 -
@MezDiaz, having a near death experience like a pulmonary embolism would have been a big thing to come to terms with. Now you have received another serious diagnosis of breast cancer. No wonder you have feelings of disbelief. I echo the comments of others - have faith in your doctors. Reach out to those you can trust and share your concerns. This is also a very good forum where you can express those concerns and fears without the fear of being judged or ridiculed.4
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Thank you so much @BarbieAnne 0
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We have interesting ways of dealing with stress and grief both of which play a big part in the whole BC bunfight. Denial is perfectly normal and is part of the whole messy business. As are anger and depression. Not everyone gets the full dose of misery, but most of us have experienced feelings very similar to what you are going through now
You can get access to a few subsidized visits to a counsellor through your GP. You may or may not be familiar with that process, but many of us have found the experience positive. Mind you, the first one I saw made me feel (by comparison) like the sanest person in Victoria--occasionally you need to shop around to find someone who suits.
As you say, if you don't feel like it matters, you may as well do it. Keep plodding. Mxx
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Hey @MezDiaz,
Welcome lovely. As you have already seen there are some amazing people here.
The denial/shutdown I thing is a self preservation thing I think. I get pretty good at locking things in the back of my mind with a big sign that says "Stay the hell out of here". It makes no sense when you feel perfectly fine and healthy to be told you have cancer. It's like what the heck?
I hear you regarding having to counsel the rest of the family. That's why I did my appointments on my own so I didn't have to pick up anyone else's pieces. Still, it gives you a chance to talk about it without really talking about it if that makes any sense. Gives you control of the conversation.
Some of us hit the floor straight up and some do not. The rest of us have a bit of a roller coaster ride depending on the day, time, hour. Whichever way you handle it is ok.
You have already gotten through one massive hurdle and to get another just plain out stinks to say the least.
Have faith in your team. They know their stuff. Even if you just have to go through the motions for the moment.
Keep talking on here. We all "get it".
All the best.
xoxoxo
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@MezDiaz - Golly gosh - you've been thru so much already ..... and now the BC diagnosis on top of it!
I think most of us didn't 'look or feel ill' before, during & after surgery (I was lucky and just had breast conserving surgery/lumpectomy) and didn't have to have chemo, just radiation & hormone tablets.
I am sure all my family & friends expected to see me lying in bed, dying or something!
Your medical team will be giving you the best advice - some cancers are nastier than others ..... mine was invasive (fast growing) so I was really pleased my GP found it 'accidentally' & my roller coaster road started after having a biopsy!!
Talking of Biopsies .... have you had a biopsy to determine that it IS cancerous? It might be worth asking, if it hasn't been done already!
All the best for your ongoing treatment - have faith in your medical team ... they are there for YOU, as are we! Hugs coming from Forster! xxxx
(BTW .... whereabouts are you? Just the town
)
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Depression can blunt your emotions particularly when you are constantly stressed...there is no more room for the anxiety to rise.
Follow with the plan. Connect with a breast care nurse, a good GP and a counsellor. Talk to those you love a feel close too. You are treasured...sometimes people have no idea how to show that to you and when we feel vulnerable we often can't see how others feel and can feel very much alone.
A journal might help.
I started a facebook journey ...private group...and invited people I felt I wanted to know what is happening, how I feel....what I don't. It saves having to tell people that one by one.
Kath x1 -
Hello @MezDiaz,
Welcome to our online forum and thank you for your post. Im sorry to hear that you are having a rough time presently. Its not uncommon to feel total shock and disbelief with a breast cancer diagnosis. It will take some time to process everything that is happening. You will find lots of support via this forum and I encourage you to make contact with a breast care nurse and your local GP as well. Good to get some local supports in place for you. Dont hesitate to call our helpline on 1800 500 258 to speak with one of the cancer nurses. Hoping all goes well with your surgery, take care of you
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Hey @MezDiaz
I too was just i think in a bubble for ages.. i wasnt sick, life was rocking along. I had surgery, i just went through the motions, doing what they told me to do. Then my hair began to fall out and bam. The reality finally hit me. What i have learnt is there is no right or wrong way to feel. Only you can make the decision..no one can have it or do it for you. Go with your gut and know your family love you and you have support here.
Xxx Trikki21
