Out of control and in shock
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Hi @Fletch and welcome. Glad you found us.This is a great spot to get support ,and share laughter and tears .It is also a fount of practical tips and knowledge.Ask whatever you want whenever you want as there is always someone online - there are no dumb questions it’s just dumb NOT to ask , contribute too when you want to about what you have learnt - you have just found a whole lot of new friends. xo1
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Thanks everyone.0
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The user and all related content has been deleted.1
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Good evening wise and wonderful ladies. Im in a pickle again. My story is one of chaos confusion pain and rapid decline. In a nut shell 18mnths ago started the battle of all battles. Hit with all they could give me. Triple neg gal i am. November last year all done. All good. “The success story” of my oncologist i quote. Then march got a stiff shoulder n lymphodema occurred. Within a few weeks mt arm was huge my chest was red and hit and swollen and hard and argony. I had all the appropriate tests. All done in a timely professional manner. All the while i was not in the slightest frame of mind that anything was sinister. At the last i had a petscan. Three days later was told in no uncertain terms. I had masses of tumours all in breast area, where id had my mastectomy. Dozens n dozens wrapped around my nerve endings in front and behind my lungs, lymph nodes effect and some in left breast. This was one week before my 6 mnthly routine check up. I was sll clear at three mnths. I was so well, firing on all cylinders. Happy and content andcpushing on with “the new me”. They meeting with my oncologist told me. Inoperable as wrapped like cobwebs around nerve system, hence the increasing agony. So option was more chemo, more radiation AND maybe, we can get you tonsee xmas. Part of me died there and then. I have a beautiful family, beautiful husband, amazing daughter 29 yrs young and our precious 6 yr old grand daughter. Parents sisters friends the works. As im sure squilions of us do. Ive kept such a positive pro active slant on my situation from word go, determined to get through it. To be arrogant i gues never once thought it was going to kill me. I was already back to ny fundraising and volunteering rolls. Now, now what do i do? Ive got a good team if nurses, palliative and oncology, social worker, mcgrath nurse. All superb. Ive got all the right info on how to properly help all my family cope with my demise as healthily as can. But now, what about me? For the first time in all this hell im terrified. Im so so angry. Yes even ungrateful. Steaming filthy, why me? Not fair kicking n screaming howling!! Ive suffered depression anxiety n panic attacks throughout my life, but never once through this whole ordeal did my demons grab me. But now, raging fever of night panic overwhelms me. I cry n cry, but that only chockes me as my breath is short. Im really loosing my well built well supported foundations. Im furious. Im in antidepressant meds, and heavy painkillers, which all makes me feel ill. Gastric, constipated, nausea, no appetite, just hell has hit with 4 weeks. Whats even more ridiculous ive ranted on here, now realising im probably making some one rlse feel yuk! Which was not my intention. So i suppose i shall continue. Can anyone tell me firstly, does it happen to them, secondly, how the hell do tou walk around of a day with this living hell in your mind 24/7. ? Everyone says im doing well and im “so amazing” honestly? What rot...what choice do we have but yo keep on keeping on. Ive always said there are a lot worse off than me. Ive raised my girl, i dont have little children i have good support, but that doesnt cut it anymore. Im pissed off!!!!! And i hate feeling this way, especially when my days are on a count down, i dont want to waste any more than i have to being sick or unhappy. I want to say in advance how very grateful i am to all you lovely kind ladies who take the time to read my twaddle. It really is somewhere you can vent. It truly is a blessing. Love and light yo you all. ❤️1
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My heart bleeds for you as well at this horrible news, @Me2 .
I hope your pain medication is working efficiently .... have you considered looking at Cannabis Oil for pain relief? Some with advanced diagnoses have had amazing success with that .... even regressing tumours.
I know if it was me, I’d be angry, pissed off and upset, Same as you.
hopefully they’ve got it wrong and you can prove it to them by living as well as you can for as long as you can, spending quality time with your family, and creating new memories with them.
What ever you do from now on ... do it for YOU and the family xxx
Thinking of you xxxx
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Many many thanks Finch, wishing you power and love in your battle. ❤️0
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@Me2 Not twaddle, not twaddle at all. I watched my sister go through this. All clear, then a year later, not. She went through all the emotions you describe. As time went on she focused on making memories for her very young children, preparing them for what was to come, and tending to her personal legacy.
I imagine it takes almost impossible amounts of mental discipline to stay firmly in the present when your mortality is so brutally in your face. Especially when you feel so unwell on a day to day basis. Are your team confident they can get you to a point where you feel a bit physically better?
I want to say things like distraction, try to find at least one thing each day to do that you enjoy, meditate, mindfulness etc but it all sounds utterly trite and in the profound human state you are in, absurd.
In her last months my sister ate a lot of trifle and Indian spiced cauliflower soup, both of which she loved. She drew great comfort from regular therapy sessions, and long talks with an Anglican minister. She also found 'special' brownies worked absolute wonders for her mood and sleep. The latter was at my 81yo mother's suggestion.
Never mind the being amazing, be you to the end, be you every day for the rest of your life. I wish I could make it better for you. Kate xox
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You sweet lady thank you so much . Teo things struck a cord with me. Cookies, my 83 yr old mother suggested and trifle2
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Ah from a recipe by Alice B Toklas !0
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Could be just the thing @Me2!
From Wikipedia:
"Made from spices, nuts, fruit, and cannabis, Hashish Fudge quickly became a sensation in its own right. In the recipe, Toklas says it is called "the food of paradise" and goes on to suggest places where the cook might find the hashish. She adds that the fudge can liven up any gathering and is "easy to whip up on a rainy day." She cautions two pieces are quite enough and that one should be prepared for hysterical fits of laughter and wild floods of thoughts on "many simultaneous planes.""
K xox2 -
Oh that is truly shit! Make it all about you and yours do what you want to. You have every right to be annoyed as all .... I know I am so I get that part of things if nothing else.
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Well obviously I'm still awake when I should be asleep particularly if you could see my work diary which has gone off its head partly because everyone is trying to get in to see me and partly because it's tax time and everyone is trying to get in to see me. Work is being very accomodating but want me to tell everyone which i have refused to do - I'm done with telling people so I made my boss tell my immediate staff who are now running the pity eyes at me and either by rumour or next Tuesday the remaining staff will be told I'm sick and will be off work for a month at this stage. Finding that a bit much I haven't even told most of my siblings cause I don't want the drama but I'm supposed to tell work colleagues - yeah no thanks.
Feel like next Tuesday and Wednesday are a sword hanging over my head even though I know it is a necessary evil, pretty anxious about it all and have so much to do before I get there lists are very long but they give me some semblance of control over my otherwise crazy life.
I have a heap of crazy. Questions and I'm not sure if I should ring and ask them or wait to next week, not even sure if I see the oncologist at all next week or just all his minions. I need to get treatment dates so I can book a trip to qld for a gym comp for the youngest one, worried about a 40th I'm going to the week after as the bday boy's wife is an oncologist and if I have to tell her then I open Pandora's box on telling family members I don't want to tell - drama, drama, drama. Really this should make me tired but only makes me anxious and then I don't sleep0
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