Friday Funnies

iserbrown

arpie

Even tho we are on NBN, @iserbrown ... it is still similar to the old  days ‘dial up’ speeds ....
 we were sold a pup!  

Sister

Given our dodgy internet, I can so relate...

ChezaH

arpie

I wish some stranger would pay MY phone bills! 

Blossom1961

arpie

FLClover

Sister

So that's the reason!

FLClover

@Sister I’ll take any excuse 😄

arpie

hahaha - a husband with a sense of HUMOUR!!  LOL

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Afraser

I fully anticipate these pastimes now being copied by hordes of unwilling shopping companions!! 

Keeping_positive1

Someone I know used to go to the greeting card section and move some of the Bon Voyage cards to the Sympathy section.  She thought it was hilarious!  I must say I think it was very creative.

AllyJay

I have a story about condoms. When I was 17, I had a job in a pharmacy in South Africa. There was a large window looking into the shopping centre, and next to the window was on of those horses the toddlers ride with a coin from mum or dad. A large group of schoolboys, around 11 or 12 years old were huddled around the horse, cackling and elbowing each other. I knew they were up to no good. After a few minutes, of of the boys came up to the counter where I stood and emptied a handful of assorted coins on to the top and asked in a falsetto squeak "Excuse me Miss...could I have a packet of condoms please". I looked at him sweetly and replied."Certainly young man...small, medium or large"? He went blood red and fled the scene, abandoning his spread of sweaty coins, never to return.

arpie

Yep ... I reckon they would design a MUCH BETTER MACHINE if their Willy/balls were squashed like our boobs are!