Friday Funnies

Doin'it

You girls crack me up 😂. Had heaps of lol moments. Glad no one was watching through the window

arpie

Yep - agree TOTALLY with this one!    

Scorpio101

1. Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man." 
   
   'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.

Annie C

A STORY WITH A MORAL TO IT

A teacher gave her class
of 11 year olds an assignment:

Get their parents to tell
them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the
kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.


Karl said, 'My
father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were
taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a
big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a
mess.'
'What's the moral of the
story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs
in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the
teacher.


Next little Emilie
raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for
the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only
got five chicks
and the moral to this
story is:
'Don't count your chickens
before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story
Emilie'.


Johnny, do you
have a story to share?'
'Yes. My dad told me this
story about my Aunty Raylene.
Aunty Raylene was a flight
engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over
enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a
machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with
the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with
the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her
bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the
horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your father tell you from that
horrible story?'
'Stay the f... away from
Aunty Raylene when she's been on the PISS.

iserbrown

AllyJay

A man was on a long haul flight to London and desperately needed the loo. The men's was occupied, so he begged the air hostess to use the ladies' one. She said "Yes. okay, but whatever you do...don't touch the buttons". Well he hurried in, locked the door, dropped his dacks and sat down with relief and let rip. As he sat there doing his thing. he looked at four buttons on the bulkhead in front of him. He was intrigued with them and their purpose. He decided to give them a try, after all, if the ladies could use them, why couldn't he? He decided to leave the first one, but pushed the second which had WW written above it. Aaaaah warm water fountained upwards gently, and washed his soiled bottom. So then he pressed the third button. WD it said. Wonderful...warm dry air dried his bum. The fourth button was pressed. PP it said. Powder puffs of talc fragranced his nether regions. Stuff it he thought, I'll bet that first button is the best one, I'm going to push it. Next thing he awoke in a hospital bed, in absolute agony. He asked the attending nurse what had happened. "You had a terrible mishap and you arrived here in bad shape, unconscious. You've had surgery and are now on the mend"  "But what the hell happened? he asked. "You pressed the first button, didn't you? The one that says TR am I right"?  "Uhhh yes, I did..."   "Well TR stands for Tampon Removal...your dick's in a jiffy bag under your pillow!!!"

jennyss

Dear @AllyJay, I didn't see it coming! Laughed till I cried.

arpie

OK ... a Sat funny!    

arpie

Those of us who are over 60 (I am 65) should be able to relate to this ..... possibly those a tad younger .....with older siblings??

Mantis

kezmusc

arpie

iserbrown

arpie

Blossom1961

I took my mother in law to Werribee zoo yesterday. On the safari train we had to stop as there was a camel on the road that refused to budge and looked at us "as if"
Me: I love that camel, such attitude
Mum: Look at that attitude. I am going to name her Melody, after you!
Me: That's appropriate. She only has one hump
My poor strait laced mother in law wasn't sure whether to laugh or be horrified. She is very worried about my mastectomy happening next month but still found it funny.