Why are we in hiding?
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Aaawwww, shucks....1
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When I was bald, I often asked myself who I was covering my head for when I was out in public? Was it for me? Was it because I didn't want people to know my business? Was it so people didn't feel sorry for me? Was it to be less confronting for other people? Now that I am down the track a bit I see that however I appeared, I still looked like someone with cancer, and I wish I had the courage to at times be the public face of cancer, to show that yes I have cancer but hey look I can still do the grocery shopping! I feel the same ambivalence after my mastectomy, whether it is something I should hide (which brings associated feelings of shame) or something which, if visible, might give courage and solace to someone else in the same situation. I also realize now that just because someone looks at you, doesn't mean there is negative judgement associated with that. Because now, I am the person looking, and all I feel when I see soemone who looks like I did 2 years ago is empathy. We all do things for a combination of reasons, both personal and public, otherwise we'd be doing the shopping in our pj's picking our nose, and screaming like a harridan at the slow person in front of us. Or was that just me this morning in coles....
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Beautifully put @Jane_Elizabeth.1
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Was pleased to see a young bloke who is a casual with my sons had had the shave - explained it would mean a lot to those who had chemo.1
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I think it all boils down to whatever gives you the confidence and comfort to walk out the front door.3
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Here's a link to a blog I check out from time to time, along the lines of this thread
https://uzmamd.com/2018/05/15/you-are-beautiful/1 -
I'm yet to lose my hair - reckon I've got about a week or so to go but I agree wholeheartedly with @TonyaM.
I have a wig ready because that's what I want to do - not because I don't feel brave or courageous.
For me, it's not about vanity - I'm not precious about how I look, rarely wear make-up, have my hair trimmed only about twice a year to keep it tidy, don't spend a lot of money on clothes, never have facials or visits to a beauty salon and hate wasting time waiting for nail polish to dry - I'm pretty low maintenance.
Yet, I still don't like to think of myself without hair - I just don't think I will feel confident and comfortable to walk out the door and at the end of the day, it's all about feeling good about yourself.
This could totally change - I know that. And I might find that I end up being happy rocking the Sinead O'Connor look, but right now I don't think so - and that's OK.
I'm also a very private person and although I'll happily talk to anyone about what I'm going through and how I'm doing, I get a bit anxious about inviting everyone to discuss it with me whenever they choose. This is such a personal choice.
I like to think that as much as is humanly possible I can appear the same, function the same and keep life as normal as possible for my young family. This is what makes me happy. It doesn't make me feel like I'm trying to hide my cancer, nor does it make me feel I'm not taking a 'kick-ass' approach.
Same with a reconstruction, which I do want to have.
I am a vocal and passionate advocate for equality - gender and otherwise - and I agree wholeheartedly @sister that I long for the day when 'out and proud' is more socially acceptable. When we can all just walk around (as long as we don't cause damage) on the planet, being and representing who we are without having to justify it, learning from each other and embracing our differences.
My issue is that there's enormous pressure out there to be 'out and proud' as a show of strength or bravery.
We've all heard people talking about Cancer patients saying things like 'she's so brave to go out without hair' and 'wow, she's so strong'. Just recently when I told a colleague that I admired someone from work who was able to come to the office 3 days per week during chemo, she replied 'well I worked every day'. WTF? She didn't mean to be putting pressure on, but this sort of thing can be SO damaging! While it can be motivating to follow the lead of someone who is a poster girl for cancer treatment, there's enormous pressure out there to be 'brave' and 'strong' and 'stoic'.
If we want to be bald or not - cool; flat or not - cool; we ALL rock and we are ALL awesome - as long as our decisions are motivated by what makes YOU happy.
I won't be wearing a wig because I'm ashamed of losing my hair, nor would I feel like if I cover my baldness I'm not brave enough to be the public face of cancer - I'm absolutely telling cancer to get the fuck out of my life in the way that's right for me.
xxxxxxx
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Hi Eastmum, I agree with everything you’ve said.And here’s the thing,there’s no predicting how you are going to feel/react along the way of this crap bc journey.
Sometimes you’ll surprise yourself and be so stoic and other times, have a meltdown over a minor thing
I hated losing my hair and there was no way I’d rock bald! It’s got nothing to do with vanity or bravery. You just do what feels right for you.3 -
Agreed - do what is right for you - on a practical level is darned cold down south atm and no way would I be going bald atm in public or private.2
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The user and all related content has been deleted.6
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This is me not in hiding...well, except for the eyebrows - I don't recognise myself without eyebrows! (And I still can't get a decent selfie!)
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What a great face!1
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@Eastmum. The not wanting everyone to know is also my reason for doing the cold cap, and either wearing my baseball cap or wig. I have told everyone that needs to know and don’t want pitying looks or inappropriate questions from strangers. Like u I still feel brave and strong and that is just because of what I have been and continue to go through. xo
@Sister u look beautiful1 -
@Sister you rock ! I look just like you but without the eyebrows. I have a fabulous Brazillian , I don't even like Brazillians, I prefer a tidy whipper-sniper edged lady garden but have had to give it a go. I just hope my permanent laser trimmed edge grows back just the same as before, it cost enough back in 2001
i couldn't care less about being bald , but is that because I expect it'll grow back so I'm fairly relaxed about it? I'm unsure . I'm only wearing a cap because it's cold in Victoria. I wear my Wee Willy Winkie cap to bed because it's warm.
i detest my wig .... apparently it looks nice , but I don't feel like it's me. I feel self conscious , like I'm trying to hide something. Whereas my cap and scarf tell it like it is and I don't care. I wear my wig if I'm going for dinner or out somewhere special.
We we are all the same but different .... whichever path we choose to do with our treatment is the righ thing.3
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