Why are we in hiding?
Sister
Member Posts: 4,961 ✭
This started as a post on another discussion but I felt that it's importance to me meant it needed it's own spotlight. I started to diverge from the issue at hand with, "If anyone has an issue with my disease that is their problem - I can't deal with it." The only concession I make is head covering when I'm out of the house and a prosthesis "in public" - that is more about being sensitive to my immediate family than me caring.
I do wish that "out and proud" was more socially acceptable. Given that 1 in 8 women get breast cancer, I wonder how many of us are walking around wearing an uncomfortable prosthesis or going under the reconstructive knife just to appease social norms (and I don't mean that women who want reconstructions, shouldn't have them - just those of us who don't care). Will I go down the reconstruction path? Possibly. But not because I have a problem with my self-image.
I know there's been exhibitions, etc of woman with mastectomies but unfortunately I think they edge towards the label of "freak show" (and I don't mean that in a derogatory sense). What would happen if it was just normal to see women without a breast/s? Would the world stop or fall apart, or would society accept that shit happens and there goes a survivor? And to take it further, maybe the possibility of a mammogram would not be quite so frightening.
I do wish that "out and proud" was more socially acceptable. Given that 1 in 8 women get breast cancer, I wonder how many of us are walking around wearing an uncomfortable prosthesis or going under the reconstructive knife just to appease social norms (and I don't mean that women who want reconstructions, shouldn't have them - just those of us who don't care). Will I go down the reconstruction path? Possibly. But not because I have a problem with my self-image.
I know there's been exhibitions, etc of woman with mastectomies but unfortunately I think they edge towards the label of "freak show" (and I don't mean that in a derogatory sense). What would happen if it was just normal to see women without a breast/s? Would the world stop or fall apart, or would society accept that shit happens and there goes a survivor? And to take it further, maybe the possibility of a mammogram would not be quite so frightening.
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Comments
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I braved the waters of online dating after a botched double mastectomy and reconstruction. You really do not want to see my chest. Well, maybe that isn't true. I was pleasantly surprised at how many men a) said they didn't care b) didn't run screaming when faced with the reality. I know that sounds like I'm a bit of a worry when it comes to dating, but I was.
Anyway, back to the subject. Most people don't care.
I enjoyed wigs but also had no problem being bald in public. Once again, the majority of people don't care. They really don't.
When it comes to the ones who do want to stare, snigger or point, I've had the pleasure of delivering a few salutary lessons on what it is like to be publicly shamed. Or I decide they are fuckwits who don't deserve recognition. Depends on my mood at the time.
The hardest part for me, and I've had a bit of experience, has been dealing with well meaning comments because it was obvious what was happening. Realistically, that is the same as happens when you are heavily pregnant or on crutches with a broken leg or walking around with a black eye. Or all three at once..Humans are humans and there is a percentage that do not know when to keep their heads shut.
I'd encourage anyone who is hairless and stressing about it to drive to another town or suburb where you don't know anyone, rip off the headwear and go shopping. Just try it. The world doesn't end and maybe that is a way to normalise what is an all too common situation.8 -
Yep. I went bald and hatless when I went out of town for a few days and I was less likely to run into people I vaguely knew. It was liberating. Ripped off the hat far more frequently when I got home.3
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Guess it’s about acceptance of difference . The only way a new normal will happen is if we start it . A field of women is a big statement on one day but it really is the little statements we make each day that brings about change.4
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Sister
I had scarfs and hats on and they were hot and itchy etc I have very sensitive skin.... my daughter then 16 said to me bloody hell mum just go bald if anyone has a problem with it let them worry about it .... I did from then on until winter arrived and I needed beanies to keep warm.
I am double mastectomy and no reconstruction here I go flat and fabulous all the time.
I was the secretary for a monthly ladies dinner night when I returned to it after treatment quite a few of the ladies asked me when are you being reconstructed.... I being me ... Said loudly after the third person asked ...."I am not having reconstruction, I am happy to be flat and fabulous if you have a problem you need to go see a psychologist" everything went quiet for a few minutes and then someone piped in with congratulations on being brave to buck the norm.
I have learnt I don't walk the path that others want to walk to conform to society.
I am me
I will always be me
Now I am me with no tits
But I know it takes a lot of courage to do that
I have several ladies with single mastectomy who refuse to wear a prosthesis, they have learnt to wear clothes that disguise their lopsidedness....
it is about acceptance in society of those who don't fit the regular mould.
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At work today, a little boy, aged about 8, asked me who I was. When I told him, he said "Yes, I know who you are. Have you had a haircut?" When I told him "No, I have cancer" he put his arm around me and said "Are you OK?" I then had a number of other little boys proceed to tell me about all of the members of their family who had died from cancer.
I stopped the conversation when I said to them "We are all going to die someday".4 -
I learnt very quickly that nobody really was looking at me at all...I found people the opposite very accepting. I didnt choose to go out bald, not because of society, but because it was personal to me and how I felt about myself and wanted to look. I could have cared less about anyone else lol. I did choose to Reconstruct again not because it's what would be expected...it's personal and it's actually a very hard road on every level. Whether you do or don't makes zero difference, I have a friend who didn't, everyones different.5
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With my cancer, recinstruction is not an option, i had a double masectomy and actually am becoming more at ease with just nothing there....actually have clothes that now look better than thy did before. My hair is groing back but I do wear a scarf or hat, but mainly cause my head is bloody cold lol.
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It's really interesting to hear the responses that have come from this. I certainly don't bother with dressing up around here (although it's getting a bit chilly to go without headgear now). And it's funny that the females in my immediate family are far easier with me going au naturale than the males - the girls often tell me to take off my wig/hat when it's bugging me, no matter where I am. And I think choosing reconstruction is incredibly brave but it is another surgery and I would think, not easy.
@Romla Imagine if, instead of a Field of Women, we all whipped our scarves and prosthetics off at a given time! And/or held up a big, pink sign saying "breast cancer survivor"! Okay, probably getting silly now.4 -
One of the multiple reasons I chose a double mastectomy was my concern about having one 18DD tit wobbling about on its own. Add to that concerns it would turn feral and want to kill me, both off made sense. I was not exactly railroaded, but certainly normalised, into the concept of reconstruction prior to mastectomy. I had my chemo first then it took me so long to get a double organised that when the conversation changed to retreads it almost seemed like a done deal. I can only be grateful that I wasn't convinced a double tram flap (all the rage at the time) was a good idea.
After a series of cock ups, I have A cups on a sizable frame. You are right, @Sanra , clothes look much better without the huge norks. I honestly don't think that most of my clothing would look much different if I had no tits at all. It certainly would have saved me a lot of pain and expense to go without, but at the time I knew no one who could give me informed advice and went with the flow.
Hind sight is not exactly 20/20 but sometimes it feels like it. Thankfully expectations are changing and, hopefully, those making the huge commitment to go through complex reconstructions are doing it for the right reasons. Fingers crossed.1 -
Tbh @Sister not a bad idea for impact on the Field of Women with no signage necessary .Sort of a visual of the Helen Reddy anthem “ I am woman” but gender nonspecific to include the blokes.The LGTB community are out and proud maybe we should be too. Will check the lyrics of that song tomorrow and see if they can be modified to something like “ I am human” Any songwriters out there in the community ? @arpie ?0
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@Sister have a look at these lyrics
You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soulOh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am womanI am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understandOh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can face anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am womanI am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
Wouldn’t it give a different image to our community ?4 -
Dont they resonate still ? They energise and unify - ever since Ifirst heard them nearly 50 years ago they uplift me.2
