Wanted someone who cares!

Sam09

Today it really hit me .....I have no one that cares not one person. Coming up to my cancer 2 year diagnosis life goes on and I'm in it but so alone . I cook clean straighten hair do nails but still no one cares enough to say how are you mum . I am so very lonely . When my husband gets home late he eats and watches tv if I talk it's schhhhh please. I have to book to spend time with my beautiful daughter and when we go to do something.  A better offer comes up and she says sorry love you mum . It doesn't matter that I've been so excited for days . Ah well lots of cleaning and cooking to do I guess.  Phone calls yay...not one question I long to hear.....and how are you. Just ended with got to go love you mum.I now go to treatments alone...sorry mum to busy . Ring ring today mother in law yay someone to talk too . Talk talk yes that' terrible about your heartburn and horrible flatulence no no your not dying but hey I felt like saying I am probably sooner than later I do have stage four . But MUM...I say interrupting guess what 
 I got wonderful test results back ....sorry love gotta go bye. The tears fall and I sob then the son rings oh  mum what's wrong . Whats  wrong son....no one cares and I have cancer. 
MUM..get off the pity trail love you gotta go .
WANTED SOMEONE THAT CARES.

Romla

@Sam09 talking through this sense of isolation with trained counsellors may help.Cancer Council and BCNA may either have these services available by phone and / be able to recommend other avenues to get help. Also you should make an appointment with your doctor&/specialist as soon as possible to see what othersupport services they can provide.

Sam09

Thank you romla however I'm not depressed about having cancer any more..  nor do I need a counselor I certainly don't go to counsellors.  I am a great believer one needs to walk in another's shoes before they can advise.  But that' my opinion .
My post isn't about depression or self pity... really its' about no matter what it' a simple fact the only person who really gives a shit about you.......is you 

Molly001

Hey @Sam09 I'm sorry to hear how lonely you're feeling. Came across this quote the other day and though it fitting. Have you thought about joining a club, group, taking up a hobby? Most local council offices have a variety of community stuff. Just takes a chance meeting and deep friendships can spark. I know it can take a tremendous amount of effort to put yourself out there but the rewards can be great. Lots of people here on the network too! Take care xxx

Sam09

That is ironic Molly robin Williams wrote that ? He certainly is alone..
... he's dead

kmakm

Oh you poor thing! I can't really say anything to help. I get a bit fed up by the absence of a thoughtful gesture or enquiry from my family from time to time. Familiarity breeds contempt I think applies here. They're living with you, and 'it', but it's not happening to them and life goes on. It's tough.

Talking to counsellors isn't for everyone. I've never been taken with it, but I am finding it very helpful now. If nothing else, talking to an interested third party gets a lot of 'stuff' out of my system.

Take care. K xox

Sister

@sam09 I don't know how you would go about it and may need professional assistance but it's your family who need to hear this.  I'm guessing that the emergency is over for them, you're still with them doing everything they need you to do and they're getting on with life (which is kind of what they're supposed to do) but they're not taking you with them in the way you need to be taken.  If it was me (and these are big brave words), I would plan something FOR me that would take me out of the family group for a little while - I don't know - a trip insterstate, a small yoga retreat, something... but I would sit everybody down and tell them why.  And then go off with as little consideration as to how they are going to make it work as possible.  And don't tolerate coming back to a cesspit of a house.  And, if you have a great friend who would make it an even better break, plan it with her or him.  But it would have to be something that excites you and would not make you feel lonely.  I think that's the key.  Before BC, I went on a 2 day trip to Melbourne to see an exhibition I really wanted to go to.  The circumstances were different, but I went by myself to do something only I wanted to really do.  I stayed within walking or short tram/bus distances, spent what time I wanted wherever, lounged in the spa at the top of the hotel, had glass of wine reading the paper in the lounge, read my book at 3am.  I spent 3 hours sitting in front of 5 Monet paintings with no-one to harass me.  That was a birthday gift from my family but it sparkles like a jewel.

If that all seems to much, then to quote an earlier post, maybe try to find a like-minded group, or 2 or 3 people, with an activity you can look forward to.

iserbrown

@Sam09



Dear oh Dear!    I noticed you put this quote up on a different post so here it is in an image.

As to where you are at!  Well we all feel it is head in the sand for families and friends or at least that is the perceived message.  Recently I attended a forum by BCNA at Ballarat, one of the speakers was Jane Fletcher, 
https://melbournepsychooncology.com.au/staff/jane-fletcher/

I have found this presentation on BCNA website from 2015 by Jane - perhaps you may find some benefit from the slides and questions posed.

https://www.bcna.org.au/media/2519/jane-fletcher-emotional-impact-of-breast-cancer.pdf

Take care 

jennyss

Dear @iserbrown, I just had a first look at the presentation by Jane  Fletcher - loved  it (thanks for the link). Funny, touching, practical. Dear @Sam09, I hope you find some empowerment and encouragement from this too. Best wishes from jennyss

Brenda5

Hi Sam, sad to read your post but yes, sometimes everyone else is busy with their own lives and you dip out. Here's hoping its only temporary and they realize you aren't a permanent fixture but a living breathing human being.
You can't choose your family and we all have some with some pretty big short comings but you can choose your friends. 
I used to be big in to aquarium keeping and I have kept a lot of those friends from then online and we still keep in contact. We chat on face book about what's happening in our lives and we do have some good laughs too. 
May be you could take up some sort of interest? Never too late to start something. Hugz

kmakm

@iserbrown Thank you for the Jane Fletcher link. The slides from that presentation are excellent. Thought provoking & useful.

Sam09

Thank you ladies.....I liked the link as usual you always make me feel happier  and today I do. I guess when it boils down to it ......I was wallowing in self pity. Last night I tried getting through to my family by saying I  really do a huge amount for you guys and would just like to feel appreciated and loved.I don't know how long I have to live ...Well this is what I got haha...
 Oh mum stop right there my god don't be over dramatic . Then later my husband looking at a statement of our superannuation mentioned 17 years till retirement and I mentioned hope I get there and got the oh god don' be stupid look. I must be the only women in the world of having the luxury of having stage four breast cancer that isn't sick .....actually I kind of feel blessed really . I think I have stressed myself to much today I actually feel blah... hold on what's wrong with me cause I'm certainly not sick. ☺

Riki_BCNA

Hi @sam09 I will pm you.
Regards
Riki

TonyaM

Hi Sam09, sounds like you do a lot around the house for your family and they take you for granted. If you’re active and look ok then perhaps they magically forget you have stage 4 bc?It’s sad because it’s not like you are asking much from them-just some kindness and abit of their time.Debriefing with some girlfriends or a support group might help. You are welcome to come to mine if you live in north/west Sydney.Cut back on what you do for your family  and do more enjoyable things for yourself.
Big hug xx

Annski

Hullo Sam09, I really am sorry. You feel uncared for. You long for some genuine recognition from those you love best in the world of what you have been through and what you might have to face again. You are being realistic. They maybe have no idea of what your BC condition means. And maybe they don't want to know, because denial is easier. They are taking you for granted, as TonyaM said above, but they are still living in the same world they were formerly in, before you got sick. Now you seem better, so that's that, get on with it. If they took you for granted before, they will keep on doing so. You may have to accept that they are not able to give you the loving kindness you need. It's so hard when  you want them to want to be with you, showing they care. I long for this from my own family. Every day I know our time together may be limited, we may not always be able to be here together as we are now. I look at my beautiful daughter who is angry with me  because I have been expecting to spend a lot of the Easter holidays with her. She has no idea how much I love her and how much I need her to just be around me. She gets hard and mean and says she never gets to do what she wants. She feels obliged to spend time with another relative who I really can't stand. I wish I could go and live somewhere else with people who would be kind and understanding. The family could come and visit once a week and feel they had done their duty. One good thing is I  now really appreciate how incredibly strong and brave my late mother was. She got to 93 and managed alone almost the whole time and I know now in her last years she was so lonely and so longing for lovingkindness from us, her family members, but none of us could or would  give her what she needed. Maybe it's karma now that I am copping it. It's a good idea to find things to do for yourself and treasure your own desires and pleasures and find other companions but you have to be able to come to terms with the fact that you love them in a way that they just can't love you. Where you go from there, I just don't know. I am seeing a counsellor but no-one who hasn't walked in these shoes can really know what it is like. 

lgray3911

Sounds to me like your family are in complete denial. None of them seem able to talk about your condition. Easier not too for them I suppose and made easier by the fact that you are back to doing your “normal” duties at home with cooking and cleaning etc... my advice would be to write each of them a letter. Voice how you are feeling, tell them what you need from them, then deliver the letters and take yourself away somewhere nice for a few days to give them time to process the information. You will get one proper shot at getting through to them this way so take your time when writing each letter and make sure you say EVERYTHING you need them to hear and everything that is on your mind. Good luck xxx