Wanted someone who cares!

Hi Sam09 - my husband is in a severe state of denial and there are times when I long for the gentle touch or indication of empathy but we have been married for 50 years and I know its not going to happen. If something worries or concerns him then he shuts it out and to shut out his fear of losing me to cancer he needs to shut me out as well. When I get home from treatment or a consultation he will ask how it went and then start to walk away from me, he'll say, "I'm still listening". I know he doesn't want to hear and at times its hard not to be sarcastic, so I usually say, "I'll tell you later" which means when we are facing each other, maybe when I hand him a coffee or having dinner. Friends and family and some health professionals cannot comprehend that someone could be so 'selfish and uncaring' and, 'yes' many times that's how it feels to me. My way of living with this is to be very direct at expressing my needs and wants and I always start with an "I" statement, eg, 'Right now I am feeling overwhelmed because I'm waiting for results and I'd like you to tell me how you are feeling. Can you do that please because I think it will help me feel a bit better?' Sometimes this works really well. Don't expect your husband or children to read your body language - they are probably so stunned by their own fear that they have shut down any previous ability to 'read' you. They could also be angry because their lives have changed for ever. This is a very tough one and only you will know how best to navigate this. I went to a psychologist but it did not help, I don't think she had any idea as to the severity of his denial and consequent behaviors, she also mentioned 'mindfulness' to which I wanted to yell, 'You're suggesting what!!???' In a moment of deep loneliness I phoned the Cancer Council and it was a very wise move for me. She made no judgements about my husband or me, she understood the extent of his fear and hence denial, and my sense of loneliness, frustration and anger. She talked common sense and I felt stronger. Keep this real, someone posted 'Today was a dark day and that's ok'. You are doing this tough, its real. I hope this discussion helps you to figure our your own way - what works for one like a miracle my have no relevance to another. Trust in you, only you know what you need and want. Keep posting to this list, take what you want and leave the rest.