Where is that positive switch?

Shorelle

Stage 2a BC no node involvement, clear margins. HER- negative but hormone positive. Had a lumpectomy,  4 rounds of Chemo on Tamoxifen and decided to have a bi lateral mastectomy booked for 27th Oct so no rads needed. 44 years old and 3 little girls.
So really that sounds all pretty good news so why the heck can I not find that switch that turns on positive? Sitting waiting to see Oncologist  ( on PALLAS trial). And having a panic attack over it. 

iserbrown

@Shorelle don't be hard on yourself! 
You're allowed to be down without the positive switch coming on!  What you need to look for is acceptance of where you are at - as acceptance allows you to cope with treatment!  
Don't rush it, don't force it!  It will come!  In the meantime come on here and vent as we will help you through, we get it!  You are taking great strides towards a new you that will be cancer free!  Take care and sending you a virtual hug xx

nikkid

Hey @Shorelle, as @iserbrown said - be kind to yourself...and allow yourself to take the time to understand, acknowledge and accept what is happening to you. 

Everyone's BC journey is different, as different, diverse and multifaceted as there are strains, stages, grades and types of BC itself! So no one's journey is the same and no one's approach can be superimposed onto someone else's. What you have to do, and feel, is what is right for you.

One question I used to always ask myself (instead of the 'stay positive' mantra) was: "How is this (X) helping me to recover, to heal, to move forward?" If it wasn't, then I felt that I needed to do something about it. If it was, then I needed to do more of it .

Take care and big hugs

Nikki x

Unicornkisses

@Shorelle, as the other ladies have said, give it time, you will find some acceptance of where you are.
if you are like me though, it will come and go.
right now I am feeling fairly fed up, I am half way through radiation and although it is not nearly as bad as chemo, or recovering from two lots of surgery, I have had enough.
I will get through it,  I know, and will be upbeat again when this has finished.
So be gentle on yourself, if you can find some little enjoyment in each day, even just a little ritual of making some tea, I also taped and watched a couple of favourite shows (that my husband had no interest in) during the day,  you might find it helps.
I found that having little breaks like that to look forward to, that treated myself, helped me get through chemo and recovery from surgery.

Shorelle

Thanks ladies.  Acceptance  is the key word. Im still fighting the diagnosis. .

Unicornkisses

It is confronting. It took me months to bring myself to say to myself "you have cancer"  I tried it in the shower, and infront of the mirror. Finally I can say it out loud without feeling too shocked.
I still flinch a little when other people, including my husband, say it in conversation.
At first when I told my clients I felt like a fraud, and like I was making it up, it felt so unreal.
I think starting chemo really brought it home for me. 
I am good at just getting on with what I have to do health wise and disassociating myself emotionally from the experience (except when enclosed machines are involved) so perhaps I was doing that.

melclarity

@Shorelle I think it's because it happens so incredibly suddenly and without warning, so its overwhelming and leaves you in a state of shock for quite some time. You then start on your various treatments and are on auto pilot and we actually don't give ourselves enough credit of the complexity of all of this. Physically, mentally and emotionally are so so hard to try and balance because we're busy doing all that we should that it takes time to catch up mentally and emotionally..it really is a process.

The girls are right...so key....Be Kind to you, cut yourself some slack and give yourself some time to digest it all. I don't know I think its just finding peace within yourself to deal with each step as you go in a way that you can manage and just feel ok. I struggled a bit after my 2nd diagnosis but realising emotionally is so complex, so slow and steady and loving me so much more through each step. Really became a day at a time and just acknowledging how I felt in every moment then letting it go. 
 Hugs
xx Melinda 

KatyJoy

@Shorelle so many of us know how you feel. I am a nurse working in palliative care, so I know how lucky I am to be now “cancer free” after an exhausting year of treatment, but I’m still pissed off it happened in the first place and by how much it has taken away from myself and my family. I feel like I have to put on a fake smile and be positive all the time for the benefit of those around me so that they don’t worry, but its just exhausting, and sometimes I’m so angry about this shit that I just want to punch something! If cancer was an entity I would take great pleasure in punching it in the face! I have a councillor at my breast clinic who I have seen through my breast clinic that I find benefits me greatly. I see her when I am ‘heavy’ with all of this and need to offload, at least this way my friends and family don’t have to cop it. All the best to you. It is so normal to feel the way you are feeling.

primek

It took me quite a while after treatment before I could start to think more positively. My bc surgery was the reality of forever changed. Feeling happier  does happen...but I think initially the fear of return sort of dulls down the relief of treatment over  (even though it's nit over really over yet).  So just one day at a time and if you find yourself stuck there feeling down...well a chat to a counsellor can help you back to feeling happier again. Kath x

adean

Putting on the happy face is exhausting also.lol if your up beat all the time l found l got nowhere, when l had a winge l actusly got attention from the family. You know thats one thing l learned but it took me 5 years. Love and hugs adean xx

kmakm

@shorelle The pressure to be 'the good patient' is palpable

Sister

@Shorelle I'm currently at the chemo stage and I keep surprising myself by the knowledge that I haven't really accepted what's happening to me, yet.  As so many have said, I think it's just time and no doubt there'll always be a tiny voice in the background.  My aim is to be around as long as I can, as healthy as I can, to be there for my kids (who are currently teens & tweens), and long enough that if anything recurs, the treatments have improved.

onemargie

Getting used to the “new normal” is definately a challenge especially since some people just think you had your surgery and chemo just get over it. Much easier said then done for sure.  I finished chemo in oct 16 and still have my moments but they are less frequent now thank fuck I find keeping busy with work and doing stuff with my charity helps a lot as well as walking my dogs in the morning. Margie xx

Brenda5

Hey, nothing is easy about breast cancer. Just keep mooching along 'day by day' and eventually you will come out of the other side. Just hang in there.