Why do I feel like this????
It's been a while since I posted as I wanted to forget the whole cancer experience (I see others feel like this too!). It's now been a year since diagnosis and a mastectomy. Last month I had my first mammogram and ultrasound and it was all clear. So why am I feeling so bl**dy awful??? It seems that since the diagnosis I have had no control over my life. I can't seem to get on top of things - anything!! While this sounds like depression, it's not - I do suffer mild depression and have done for years, so I know the difference in how I'm feeling. I heard someone say recently that she wants to be the person she was before she got breast cancer. Well so do I! I realise that's not possible but I didn't think it would be this hard to move on. I feel a distinct lack of interest in things that would normally grab me. Recently I started a Cert IV in Training & Assessment online and guess what - I've hardly done any study! Nothing seems to be exciting or lively any more. I try to be positive about what I have - a contract job in a place I really enjoy, family etc. I sit down and talk to myself to stay up and happy but it's a struggle. Sorry to sound so down in the dumps but I just need to get this off my chest and hopefully get some inspiration from others who have been through this!
Tink xx
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Hi Tink
I know what you mean about wanting to be happy. I am 18 months post diagnosis and can't seem to enjoy anything anymore.
I am self employed and always busy. But I want to be able to switch off and enjoy the outside world. Have started having panic attacks again
It's easy to say be happy for what we have , and I am ! Guess you feel the same . Maybe it has nothing to do with the breast cancer , but I also can't relax and enjoy life as my husband thinks I should.
Sounds like we are feeling very similar but I am sorry I have no answers , just commiserations.
Perhaps talking about it on here will help us both and others may have some constructive ideas for us. Here's hoping !
Cheers
Anne
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Hi Tink
I am 3 years on from my cancer treatment and I still get anxiety, feeling trapped at times. I have kept going with lots of things but if I have a sleep I always wake up sad. I think you will have to give yourself more time, you have had a major shock and on top of that a lot of treatment and the body and mind takes a long time to recover from such an ordeal. I don't think you will ever forget what you have been through but I'm sure you will find ways of working through it, I certainly wish you all the best. I joined a community choir and have loved it and singing really helps, even if I'm not very good at it! I wish you all the best for your recovery. Cheers, Vivie
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Thanks for that Vivie. I forgot to mention the anxiety I feel. I'll just be reading, or doing whatever and then this feeling of anxiety just looms. It doesn't last long but it's there. Thank you for sharing your experience - it all helps.
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Thanks for your reply Anne. I wish there was a magic formula to make everything better!
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Hello Tink These feelings seem to be so common. I feel its like my innocence is gone' ie We all know that it can happen to us, but that feeling of can't happen to me was strong. We felt invincible, and then it hit!!! And I also stress about my family more than ever before. I can see why some girls change their lives so dramatically.
So no advice, but its nice to know that many feel the same.
Also wish they'd stop a lot of the "cancer prevention" advertising - I lived a healthy life pre cancer - I breastfed, ate my veges, excercised, low fat, checked myself (standing up big bummer) etc Oh but I had a rasher of bacon on Sundays .... oh no ..... and honestly - they don't know. So if I think about it I get real down for our children. So don't think about it ... get through each day with a goofy smile. People will either think I'm a very happy person, or a total idiot. And who cares, hopefully time will heal us all.
Pam
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Hi Tink, what you are feeling is so very normal.. It is something that many people battle with after treatment is over.. It should all be over?? right? Well our bodies and our minds work at their own pace.. You are finding yourself at a huge crossroad right now.. You want to just go back to being the 'old' you, and that is actually tricky because you are now a different person than you were before.. I have been where you are now and this feeling will change and it will become easier and more obvious to what it is you need. It is great that you are able to write about it as out is always better than in.. Just a few things that may help you on your way to your 'happy place'. Dont be too hard on yourself, there is no timetable. Look for something that you totally love to do and jump in and it will begin to grow from there. I anticipate the Cert IV is hard right now because you have lost a bit of direction and as you move forward it will be ok. baby steps are totally in order. After my initial diagnosis, I was totally lost.. It took time to find organisational entrepreneur that I knew was still lurking in there.
Sending huge hugs and hope you find the missing path to your happy place really soon
Cheers, Sharon xoxoxoxox
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Thanks for that lovely reply Sharon. You made a lot of sense to me!
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Thanks Pam. Such a relief to know I'm not alone!
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Hi Tink I feel the same I try to move on, some days are better than others. I keep trying to move forward, I to would like my old life back but not possible. BC has changed my life forever.
I struggle with work the most I need to cut back but my daughter is living overseas and I need to work so I can go and see her. Life is a bitch, it is a public holiday in Melbourne but I have to go to work, take carexx
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