can anyone relate to that feeling of getting through a bloody battle of all the treatment, the horror, the fight, and then that awesome feeling of sheer happy gratitude after it’s over?and you wanted to grab everyone and hug them and swore you’d never let a single second go by without being thrilled to be alive and not sick?and you were going to live an amazing productive love filled life embracing everything because you knew how fragile life can be?yeah. I’ve lost that. I’m depressed and wondering where the F_@&! did all of my pure gratitude and excitement go? I’m so angry at myself for being like this after fighting so hard to make it through. Has as anyone else found they just don’t have that spirit of gladness in everyday life anymore, that cancer stripped away your spark and you’ll never get it back and care about anything ever again?

Yes, I know how it is. We are so damn lucky to survive it, then life returns to some sort of normal again for you to only get worked up again with each checkup. For me it's a personal thing and with the sun going down each day I think of 3 things that was good that day and give silent thanks for. Life goes on but I try to pick the highlights of each day and concentrate on the positives, some days are pure shit and you don't know why. Bc changes you deeply, we have to learn to let go, make the most of what we have and realize we are still young enough to do (or at least attempt) things on our bucket list. For me i have to learn to let go, learn to laugh again, breath, live the moment and enjoy.

It can make you really grumpy. It's like being in a perpetual queue; waiting, waiting, waiting then finding you've got to the front of the line only to find the checkout has closed or you've forgotten something you can't leave without. Back to the beginning. There are many reasons we don't want this disease. Mxx

Trying to convince hubby to head to the beach for a few days next week when the school hols start. I don't care if I feel like crap, I don't care if the bed is hard, I don't care if it rains, I don't care if the entire family descends - I just need some sea and sand and a change of scene.

The definition of failure. "Lack of success" or the "neglect or omission of expected or required action"There is not one person on here who has failed in any way shape or form. You took the required action and you did it. Some of you have done it more than once. Your already successful. You had it cut out, cut off, rebuilt (or not). You knowingly went in, sat down and poisoned yourself then some had the darn thing nuked and burnt as well. You are already fucking invincible.!Getting back to you takes time. I know it is so hard to believe at the moment (and the last thing you are looking for is positive analogies) but it does get better. It's hard work but you will work out strategies to "not go there" then you start to move forward and reclaim yourself. You are not gone, just a little lost at the moment. We all get a little lost some time after this.I have a friend who ended up with postpartum Psychosis. I was with her through the 5 years it took for her to recover. All the drugs, all the pills, all the alcohol, all the days staying away from her baby because she was scared she might hurt him. I hadn't seen her in about a year when I bumped into her at the shops. She looked and sounded fantastic. I asked what she had been doing. (We had named her "black dog" Sybil in a wine filled night). She looked at me and said, well remember Sybil? Of course. I taught that bitch to heal. Now if she shows up I know I fed her. I have given up giving a shit who knows I had cancer. Couldn't care less. It's part of me now and I am proud to have gotten through it.One of my strategies is music. I chose a theme song for each day after treatment ended. It is my choice which radio station to choose. Will it be Eye of the Tiger, Sad songs say so much or, Let it be. is always a good one (Some days it's a bit more Sympathy for the Devil) LOLSounds a bit corny but hey, It works for me and I can change the playlist whenever I want.So in the words of Jimmy BarnesAll around this chaos and madnessCan't help feeling nothing more than sadnessOnly choice is to face it the best I canWhen the war is overGot to start againTry to hold a trace of what it wasBack thenYou and I we sent each other storiesJust a page I'm lost in all its gloryHow can I go home and not get blown awayAll the best my lovelies.

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Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...

160 Replies

Renatha
Member
8 years ago
I bought this sun-catcher when I felt the first spark of hope (recent events have tested that sorely, but I do love looking at her and being reminded, there is hope, especially reading of others' recovery on BCNA.) Pre-Raphaelite artist "Edward Burne-Jones - 'Spes' (Hope), Christ Church, Oxford. Detail from the Burne-Jones window in Christ Church Cathedral, Oxford depicting 'Hope'. Hand painted glass panel, approximately 12.5" long." Sending warmest wishes and hugs xoxo
Josephine66
Member
8 years ago
Good morning @"Summer Prevails" if I could be there to hold your hand and wipe away your tears I'd be there in a flash. Hoping you have someone close by you can lean on xxox
onemargie
Member
8 years ago
I’ve PM’d you too @"Summer Prevails". Margie xx
Sister
Member
8 years ago
I've pm'd you @"Summer Prevails"
Sister
Member
8 years ago
Oh, Summer P, you need to see someone one on one - counsellor, GP, whoever. Photograph it out. This shit is NOT forever and you will find YOU again.
Summer_Prevails
Member
8 years ago
I can’t write properly cos I’m crying too much

thankyou for the kind words you all have sent me - just want to let you know I am still here

im fighting very hard to stop the evil shit in my head, all day I’ve had nonstop images of suicide and I am so sorry to dump this out there and worry people but it’s just the truth. Nothing feels real. I don’t know what to say.
Giovanna_BCNA
Member
8 years ago
Hello @"Summer Prevails" sending you a private message
onemargie
Member
8 years ago
@sister I know I couldnt eat them during trestment either. I’m fact most things tasted like shit with the exception of beef chow mein. For some reason I could eat bucket loads of the stuff. Not so much the week of chemo but definitely the second week I washed it down with that mt franklin flavoured sparkling water.@zoffiel that’s exactly what it is a bloody shit fight. You need to put the gloves on and fight like hell. Big hug. Margie xx
Sister
Member
8 years ago
Shit, isn't it! And I've got to say no to a brownie @onemargie Chemo has made chocolate tastes disgusting!
Zoffiel
Member
8 years ago
Ah, to paraphrase another person too punch-drunk to understand the concept of grammar "I luv youse all"
I know there is a school of thought that thinks acknowledging your own, or other people's, misery is bad for you. That's the same school of thought that used to refuse to discuss postpartum depression in case someone talked themselves into it.
The term 'like PTSD' also fascinates me. Just how much more fucking stressful do things need to get? That is in no way discounting the experiences of service or emergency personnel; this is not a competition, but lying on a trolley instructing someone to lop your tits off is a little bit challenging. Going to extremes to protect yourself via poisoning and irradiation in an environment where sometimes the stats for faith healing and conventional medicine are a comparable (in the low single figures) is not exactly restful. Being off work for months or years does not mean you are on holidays.
No wonder some of us have a wee bit of a struggle with the whole shit fight.

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Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...

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