can anyone relate to that feeling of getting through a bloody battle of all the treatment, the horror, the fight, and then that awesome feeling of sheer happy gratitude after it’s over?and you wanted to grab everyone and hug them and swore you’d never let a single second go by without being thrilled to be alive and not sick?and you were going to live an amazing productive love filled life embracing everything because you knew how fragile life can be?yeah. I’ve lost that. I’m depressed and wondering where the F_@&! did all of my pure gratitude and excitement go? I’m so angry at myself for being like this after fighting so hard to make it through. Has as anyone else found they just don’t have that spirit of gladness in everyday life anymore, that cancer stripped away your spark and you’ll never get it back and care about anything ever again?

Yes, I know how it is. We are so damn lucky to survive it, then life returns to some sort of normal again for you to only get worked up again with each checkup. For me it's a personal thing and with the sun going down each day I think of 3 things that was good that day and give silent thanks for. Life goes on but I try to pick the highlights of each day and concentrate on the positives, some days are pure shit and you don't know why. Bc changes you deeply, we have to learn to let go, make the most of what we have and realize we are still young enough to do (or at least attempt) things on our bucket list. For me i have to learn to let go, learn to laugh again, breath, live the moment and enjoy.

It can make you really grumpy. It's like being in a perpetual queue; waiting, waiting, waiting then finding you've got to the front of the line only to find the checkout has closed or you've forgotten something you can't leave without. Back to the beginning. There are many reasons we don't want this disease. Mxx

Trying to convince hubby to head to the beach for a few days next week when the school hols start. I don't care if I feel like crap, I don't care if the bed is hard, I don't care if it rains, I don't care if the entire family descends - I just need some sea and sand and a change of scene.

The definition of failure. "Lack of success" or the "neglect or omission of expected or required action"There is not one person on here who has failed in any way shape or form. You took the required action and you did it. Some of you have done it more than once. Your already successful. You had it cut out, cut off, rebuilt (or not). You knowingly went in, sat down and poisoned yourself then some had the darn thing nuked and burnt as well. You are already fucking invincible.!Getting back to you takes time. I know it is so hard to believe at the moment (and the last thing you are looking for is positive analogies) but it does get better. It's hard work but you will work out strategies to "not go there" then you start to move forward and reclaim yourself. You are not gone, just a little lost at the moment. We all get a little lost some time after this.I have a friend who ended up with postpartum Psychosis. I was with her through the 5 years it took for her to recover. All the drugs, all the pills, all the alcohol, all the days staying away from her baby because she was scared she might hurt him. I hadn't seen her in about a year when I bumped into her at the shops. She looked and sounded fantastic. I asked what she had been doing. (We had named her "black dog" Sybil in a wine filled night). She looked at me and said, well remember Sybil? Of course. I taught that bitch to heal. Now if she shows up I know I fed her. I have given up giving a shit who knows I had cancer. Couldn't care less. It's part of me now and I am proud to have gotten through it.One of my strategies is music. I chose a theme song for each day after treatment ended. It is my choice which radio station to choose. Will it be Eye of the Tiger, Sad songs say so much or, Let it be. is always a good one (Some days it's a bit more Sympathy for the Devil) LOLSounds a bit corny but hey, It works for me and I can change the playlist whenever I want.So in the words of Jimmy BarnesAll around this chaos and madnessCan't help feeling nothing more than sadnessOnly choice is to face it the best I canWhen the war is overGot to start againTry to hold a trace of what it wasBack thenYou and I we sent each other storiesJust a page I'm lost in all its gloryHow can I go home and not get blown awayAll the best my lovelies.

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Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...

160 Replies

tigerbeth
Member
8 years ago
That's great news @PatsyN hope he settles into his new home . Have a great sleep tonight .

It reminded me of when I was a child & my dad brought us home a large pony !! Not sure why or how he paid for it !!
Of course we had no where to keep it so he stayed in our back yard for a while !!
I can only imagine how annoyed my mum must have been & i'm sure my dad was in big trouble !!
He was often tethered in neighborhood empty blocks of land near our primary school ,of course we thought it was very cool ! This was not in the country but suburban Mt Waverley !!:)
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
Keep on chugging @PatsyN. You've done so well so far. K xox
PatsyN
Member
8 years ago

kmakm said:

@DearB Positive shmositive! You'll feel positive if/when you psyche is ready to.

I'm glad you have a couple of things to look forward to in the coming year. Hopefully your horizon will expand. K xox

@kmakm - I live in hope that when my body returns to normal then my mind will follow.
Sister
Member
8 years ago
So very pleased to hear it @PatsyN
Zoffiel
Member
8 years ago
I'll sleep easier too @patsyn I just couldn't respond to your post because there was absolutely nothing useful I could say. It's a recurring nightmare for me too--if I lose Big's paddock, he is doomed. It makes me feel sick.
So glad that you have resolved the Blacky dilemma. Mxxx
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
Oh that's a great relief @PatsyN. Nice & close too. Enjoy your sleep! K xox
PatsyN
Member
8 years ago
Hey guys @kezmusc @kmakm @Sister I have agistment.
It's 15 minutes from my place in Bangalow, where Blacky was born.
Not the same farm, but just up the road.
It's very English riding school style with the best arena I've seen.
We move on Sunday morning. Only about 15 minutes in the float.
I shall sleep easy tonite.
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
@DearB Positive shmositive! You'll feel positive if/when you psyche is ready to.

I'm glad you have a couple of things to look forward to in the coming year. Hopefully your horizon will expand. K xox
DearB
Member
8 years ago
Thanks ladies, @kmakm don't get me wrong i still make travel plans, also have always will, and our eldest is getting married in june next year <3 so i have that to look forward too, its like my brain switches off when i try to picture myself as old. i feel like that should be spoken about as well if so many people feel that, and its fine for everyone to say 'but you have to be positive; okay i positively can't picture ever not working and that sucks bickies, but the alternate is that i can't work because i get sick again and i don't want that either, after not googling graves for months as i didn't have the head space for more bad news, i turned to googling other auto immune diseases as clearly i will get another (Some kind soul told me most people get at least 2, so i was trying to pick which one i would be okay with.....like i get to pick which one. But my specialist was pretty confident my ct scan triggered the graves. ps love the word discomuluating, had to google that as well.
kezmusc
Member
8 years ago
Awww @PatslyN

Such a shame you weren't a bit closer I would have loved to have been able to help out with you and Blacky. I am sure he will find a friend soon enough at the new place. xoxoxoxo

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Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...

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