Forum Discussion
Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...
can anyone relate to that feeling of getting through a bloody battle of all the treatment, the horror, the fight, and then that awesome feeling of sheer happy gratitude after it’s over?
and you wanted to grab everyone and hug them and swore you’d never let a single second go by without being thrilled to be alive and not sick?
and you were going to live an amazing productive love filled life embracing everything because you knew how fragile life can be?
yeah. I’ve lost that. I’m depressed and wondering where the F_@&! did all of my pure gratitude and excitement go? I’m so angry at myself for being like this after fighting so hard to make it through.
Has as anyone else found they just don’t have that spirit of gladness in everyday life anymore, that cancer stripped away your spark and you’ll never get it back and care about anything ever again?
and you wanted to grab everyone and hug them and swore you’d never let a single second go by without being thrilled to be alive and not sick?
and you were going to live an amazing productive love filled life embracing everything because you knew how fragile life can be?
yeah. I’ve lost that. I’m depressed and wondering where the F_@&! did all of my pure gratitude and excitement go? I’m so angry at myself for being like this after fighting so hard to make it through.
Has as anyone else found they just don’t have that spirit of gladness in everyday life anymore, that cancer stripped away your spark and you’ll never get it back and care about anything ever again?
160 Replies
- I'm trying @kezmusc, I'm trying.
- @"Anne C" Oh Ann, that is very trying! At least in the city we can have anonymity. NO one likes pity face...
Three weeks ago I went to the supermarket and ran into a couple of mums from primary school days. One of them I've known since playgroup and I hadn't seen her for ages. The grapevine had informed her of my BC. Well, you would have thought I was a genie's bottle she was rubbing my arm that much! Couldn't stop herself. We were chatting for 10 minutes and my arm was rubbed for most of it. I didn't mind, she's a good chick, but for someone with whom I've never had a 'touching' relationship it took me by surprise. It's happened to me before, at the kids' current school when I went in mid-chemo. Three teachers and two mums did it in the space of half an hour. I was trying not to giggle by the end!
The definition of failure.
"Lack of success" or the "neglect or omission of expected or required action"
There is not one person on here who has failed in any way shape or form. You took the required action and you did it.
Some of you have done it more than once. Your already successful. You had it cut out, cut off, rebuilt (or not). You knowingly went in, sat down and poisoned yourself then some had the darn thing nuked and burnt as well. You are already fucking invincible.!
Getting back to you takes time. I know it is so hard to believe at the moment (and the last thing you are looking for is positive analogies) but it does get better. It's hard work but you will work out strategies to "not go there" then you start to move forward and reclaim yourself. You are not gone, just a little lost at the moment. We all get a little lost some time after this.
I have a friend who ended up with postpartum Psychosis. I was with her through the 5 years it took for her to recover. All the drugs, all the pills, all the alcohol, all the days staying away from her baby because she was scared she might hurt him.
I hadn't seen her in about a year when I bumped into her at the shops. She looked and sounded fantastic. I asked what she had been doing. (We had named her "black dog" Sybil in a wine filled night). She looked at me and said, well remember Sybil? Of course. I taught that bitch to heal. Now if she shows up I know I fed her.
I have given up giving a shit who knows I had cancer. Couldn't care less. It's part of me now and I am proud to have gotten through it.
One of my strategies is music. I chose a theme song for each day after treatment ended. It is my choice which radio station to choose. Will it be Eye of the Tiger, Sad songs say so much or, Let it be. is always a good one (Some days it's a bit more Sympathy for the Devil) LOL
Sounds a bit corny but hey, It works for me and I can change the playlist whenever I want.
So in the words of Jimmy Barnes
All around this chaos and madness
Can't help feeling nothing more than sadness
Only choice is to face it the best I canWhen the war is over
Got to start again
Try to hold a trace of what it was
Back then
You and I we sent each other stories
Just a page I'm lost in all its glory
How can I go home and not get blown away
All the best my lovelies.- Ah @kmakm We either have our husbands smothering us or away from us.
I have to psych myself up to get out of the gate and that's 150 metres down the driveway. House is on the back paddock and gate is on the front paddock. That thought of driving out on my own and dealing with people just scares the shit out of me.
The supermarket? Well I grab a trolley, not worried if it has square crab wheels, put my head down and go! The worst thing is this is a small town and we used to own the newsagency and I managed the post office. So you can imagine how well known I am.
I plaster my "go to town" smile on my face and I practice my "I am doing well thankyou" phrase all the way to town.
God knows what the young hunk of a policeman (who looked young enough to be my great grandson) thought when he pulled me over for a breathaliser test (at 9:00 am) and I said "I am doing well thankyou"!
The post office is a nightmare (we do not have street delivery) and of course collecting mail is a social occaision. Once I used to love it, now........
I used to be known as "Ann in the newsagency", or "Post Office Ann", now it is "Oh Ann, who has cancer". I often want to wear a sign on my forehead that says
"I had cancer, I am not cancer". @zoffiel - good luck
- It's a shocker isn't it @"Annie C"? I travelled the world on my own for three and a half years and now I have to steel myself to leave the house on my own. I'm not exaggerating. I just want to curl up on the couch most of the time. I can just about do the local shops but getting to the supermarket at the shopping mall seems beyond me. I have practically lived there in the past. BC has made me closer to my husband but now I just want him here all the time and miss him fearfully when he's not. He's necome my protector and safety blanket in a way he wasn't before. He left the house at 7am today and won't be back until 9 or 10pm on Friday night. I'll just have to get used to it again. He'll be away Mon - Fri for all of September. Now that's going to be hard. :/
- @kmakm At this stage of the planning (ha ha) I am flying into Melbourne from Perth on Thursday 09 August. Must do something about airfares! Definitely see you there. So important to me to do this on my own. My husband has smothered me (not nice for someone who has always done her own thing) and I have lost a lot of my confidence. I am rapidly finding out that's what BC does to women
- @"Annie C" Meet you there Ann!
- @kmakm Too damn right. I keep telling myself that my fogged out lonely little brain cell will improve. Sometimes I wonder! I take notice of all the "oldies" around town and damn it they seem to do more than me! Maybe I will learn something at the Plan B conference in Melbourne and gain heart from meeting others with the same affliction. Well that's the plan (ha ha). First I have to navigate Perth airport. (Broome is easy). Hopefully I will get on the right plane or some lovely young hunk will take pity on me!!!
Take care Ann
