One of the guest speakers at the BC lunch I went to last week was talking about vulnerability and shame. I have to admit to being a little bit over the self-help pstcho-babble and inwardly cringed when we were asked to talk to our neighbours at the table but it turned out to be a very interesting presentation. It's based on the work of Brene Brown and worth a quick perusal if nothing more. Is it a surprise when one of my "I believe" statements was that "I believe that the beach can fix anything"? (Obviously, not curing cancer but it makes me feel better about what I'm dealing with.). Anyway, I thought I should share because I play nicely that way.

I imagine the shame is the "brave face" we put on and get comments like "you are amazing and so strong" when in reality we often feel like a fraud with our daily fears, sleepless nights and absolute terror over any test....things we keep to ourselves mostly from others.

@Zoffiel, That's very sad to hear about your friend. Around the same time I was diagnosed a work colleague's husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. The first thing she said after telling everybody about his prognosis was to add "He wasn't a smoker" Probably to avoid the "Oh, well, he brought it on himself look" He passed two months after initial diagnosis.I doubt in this day and age whether there are many demographic groups that get sneered at and segregated as much as smokers. Honestly, you could sit in the gutter and shoot up and people would just say that you needed help. You can sit on your arse in Maccas every day and stuff yourself till your 250kg and people will say you have a problem and need help. You light up, out in the open air, generally on a footpath or in a gutter, which is where us leppers have to stand these days and you will get dirty looks or the fake cough cough as someone walks past, normally after taking a 3m wide berth around us filthy disgusting people who are all going to get lung cancer. I saw one lady give me that look one day as she put her baby in the pram that was directly beside her idling diesel car exhaust. LOLThe list of contributing factors as to what might cause breast cancer is long and is a similar list to most other cancers. I can see where the shame bit comes in. Every time I read "I gave up alcohol, I don't eat sugar anymore, I don't use deodorants with aluminium, I've gone organic, etc etc etc. I feel slightly guilty. Even though a few of those myths have been totally debunked there still a tiny little thought in the back of my mind. Was it those underwire bras?????? I still smoke, drink alcohol, use parabens, eat chocolate, amongst a myriad of other things that are probably on a list somewhere of how I did this to myself, ooh and I took the pill and didn't breast feed. Poor life choices caused it? Shame on me.

No I don't think it was recorded but lots of Brown's stuff online and she's published a couple of books. I'm going to find out more because it definitely resonated at the time.

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend - but how shocking for both you & your friend, @Zoffiel having to put up with that ignorant, supercilious bitch! I hope you gave the woman an absolute bollocking! My uncle died from Lung Cancer & never smoked a cigarette in his life! Casting aspersions at ANYONE for having ANY sort of cancer (or ANY disease for that matter) is disgusting & actually grandstands THEIR ignorance & intolerance. :(Being virtuous has nothing to do with it, either - it was originally call "The Nun's Disease'' as they appeared to have higher numbers than any other group ladies ....... with it most probably being related to never having children/breast feeding or not.No, we are not responsible for our own condition ..... it is bad luck or bad genes, I reckon. But at least we have the support of our buddies here at BCNA! ;)

Away from topic but I read Survivorship and smiled as the TV show Survivor is on at present oh and a surprise winnerMy Mum died as a result of cancer Metastasis lung and bladder. Double whammy smoking and working in a cotton mill. She was treated with the utmost respect by her medicos and us her family.As to vulnerability that isn't my frailty but I appreciate for some that it is. For me I found acceptance early and that became my strength.As to shame I'm unable to fathom that feelingI'm proud of how I have got through.I do hopr you all find strength and for those that are struggling please seek an ear professional or otherwise. The forum is a great help and we're all in it together. There are some champions on here past their 5 or 6 year mark willing to help us all alongTake care

Vulnerability & Shame - Speaker | BCNA Online Network

LITHGOW1950
Member
7 years ago
Thanks thanks for posting the Brene Brown Ted talk.....it was excellent...

🌹
Patti_J
Member
7 years ago
@kmakm and @kezmusc. You do know what FINE means don't you? F'ed off, nervous and exhausted!
iserbrown
Member
7 years ago
Oh it's a so and so when the "know it alls" start! Recently I offloaded a negative Nellie and I have to say goodness it feels good! Sad isn't it as I am tolerant of most and enjoy the company of most but this one was treating it like she was the expert and it was a competition.
Beryl_C_
Member
7 years ago
I had my 97th Herceptin infusion last week - 1st was Aug. 2011. It irritates me (which is a change from my initial fury) when people suggest they know the reason for my breast cancer. I have learned to reply, 'Yes, I've thought about that sometimes and I've come to the conclusion that there are just too many variables'. Then I change the subject. In bitch or feral cat mode I have heard myself say, 'Yes, we can never be certain, maybe it was a mis-alignment of the planets or maybe making mud pies with the sheep-dip powder did it!' (I grew up in the wheatbelt of WA).
iserbrown
Member
7 years ago
kezmusc
Member
7 years ago
@kmakm,

Isn't it odd how we automatically say "fine" when somebody asks how we are doing. I was thinking of this Monday at work. Next to no sleep and my back pain at a level that walking was difficult for the first few hours out of bed. I walked in feeling a bit zombified but still every time someone said "good morning, how are you?". "Fine thanks" WTF I felt like crap.

@iserbrown, So we should be proud of muddling through this mess and the forum is a godsend. I don't think even counselling can cut it quite like talking to people who've been through it and come out the other end or are still struggling through the middle finding their way.

Love and thanks to everyone for their help, suggestions and a shoulder to cry on or whinge and vent to.

xoxoxoxo
kmakm
Member
7 years ago
@primek I'll use that i reckon. Thank you.
iserbrown
Member
7 years ago
Away from topic but I read Survivorship and smiled as the TV show Survivor is on at present oh and a surprise winner

My Mum died as a result of cancer
Metastasis lung and bladder. Double whammy smoking and working in a cotton mill. She was treated with the utmost respect by her medicos and us her family.

As to vulnerability that isn't my frailty but I appreciate for some that it is. For me I found acceptance early and that became my strength.

As to shame I'm unable to fathom that feeling

I'm proud of how I have got through.

I do hopr you all find strength and for those that are struggling please seek an ear professional or otherwise. The forum is a great help and we're all in it together. There are some champions on here past their 5 or 6 year mark willing to help us all along

Take care
primek
Member
7 years ago
@kmakm My comment to how are you going was....as well as can be expected. And then say SURVIVORSHIP is harder than you think. But only to those who really care to know.
Zoffiel
Member
7 years ago
@kezmusc , its a dilemma, isn't it? I reckon I'm too far gone for any remedial actions to be useful, they'll just make me more difficult to live with and easier to live without.
I still enjoy a cigarette a day, but I never smoke in public, or if I'm in the company of junkies (don't ask) or if I'm inside, or if I'm at work, or if I know I have to talk to people who may smell it on me... Thus a 25gm pack of rollies lasts nearly two months. I reckon the asbestos will get me before the fags, but I'll have the guilts either way. I refuse to give up because I like that cigarette a day. 20 years barmaiding in smoky pubs, I can blame someone else anyway.
@primek makes a good point about the fraud guilt. The mad thing is that people who haven't done this think we are stressed about our hair and surviving the next 10 years (which we do) but the day to day involves concentrating on having a proper poo.