Hi Everyone - I've been in and out of the forum for the last 6 months trying to keep my discussions focused on treatment. But I need to just let things out - I had a major panic attack on Sunday that took a lot out of me. At the centre of it all was a lack of feeling safe (emotionally mainly) with old traumas & stressful situations all coming flooding back. I've finished my chemo, had my surgery & am cleared to start radiation next week. I should be happy that I've had such positive results so far, but there is part of me that is afraid. There has been a lot on my plate work & family wise and I believe this is why the panic attack came on so strong as I've been trying to be 'strong & ok' for a long time. I'm struggling with finding ways to be positive about my situation & feel guilty for not doing so. As I'm sitting at home on my own a lot & not 'busy (i.e. distracted)' again yet with treatment I've got too much time to think. I'm scared of what the future brings & whether it will be 'rosy & fullfilling' or just more of the grind & stress that I've faced in the last few years, which I fully believe contributed to my breast cancer. I wonder if anyone else has felt like this? Thanks in advance.

Hi @LisaJHM - I think everyone has 'some' panic attacks to some degree & struggles with ongoing treatment ..... yes, after surgery, lots of family & friends 'think' it is all 'over' - but we all know it isn't. It is totally normal to be a bit scared of the future - it SHOULD go back to rosy & fulfilling ..... it just may take a while! Well done on getting thru your chemo, too!!! To be honest - Many of us find that the Radiation treatment is relatively 'easy' compared to the surgery & chemo - but everyone is different, too. What affects one person badly may NOT affect another person.Make sure you lather up with the lotions & potions between each session - I was doing it 3 times a day (only AFTER treatment each day) and altho I had some 'dermatitis' type spotting - was lucky without having any real burning tho my skin was red & itchy. During your treatment - if you notice ANY area that is redder than the other, of if it just seems 'wrong' - make sure you mention it to the Rads Nurses there before you leave that session. My nurses were brilliant - checking up on my every 'other day' as I had the daily treatment.Try not to be too apprehensive about the Rads ..... most don't have any issues with it - tho you DO need to be aware that any 'burning' will continue for up to 2 months, after it has finished, as it is deep seated & slowly works it's way to the surface.Keeping busy definitely helps stop the mind from taking over ..... take care, thinking of you xxxx

My long suffering shrink, generally refered to as 'That poor woman'' came into my life following my first head on with BC over a decade ago. I wanted to see a mental health professional like I wanted to contract anthrax, but she has been incredibly useful. When I had to go through it all again in 2016, I found her number and booked another appointment.Like you, my back story has some things lurking in it I'd rather not keep looking at. Three's nothing like a life threatening illness, loss of body parts and treatment that brings you to the point of death to let the gremlins out of the box. I was prepared to be asked all manner of probing questions --expected to be made to bare my soul and it wasn't like that at all. Yes, as the relationship progressed, I did throw some pretty dark stuff at her, but it was such a relief the get it out of my head. It was getting pretty crowded in there.What I did come away with was a series of coping mechanisms. The one I find most useful is to look at the rolling Trainwreck that BC can be and think 'isnt that interesting?' Because it is. If I mentally pick up the individual elements of what is distressing me, examine them and put them down again I can distract myself and focus on one thing at a time. It's a diversionary tactic which helps me calm down. Once you accept that you can't really change things it's common to have a meltdown. You may never have another, which would be just splendid. Good luck and keep plodding forward. MXX

Hey @LisaJHM , You don't have to be happy, or sad, or any other emotion. It's okay to be you. Be gentle on yourself and take whatever time you need. Have you tried journaling to get things out of your head? I find it really useful, especially when I am going through difficult times. Writing things down can help me put them into perspective, I find it gets it all out of my head and onto paper (or the computer screen) and I can look at it more objectively, one thing at a time if necessary.I use LiveJournal.com to keep a personal journal (no one else can read it, which could be a good thing haha!) but there are other journaling options online. It's free, always available day or night, and when you've been doing it for a while (over 10 years in my case) its really interesting to go back and see what you have written in the past.

Hi @LisaJHM,Sorry you have been going through such a hard time lately! I think we all have those times when we feel totally overwhelmed and anxious about what lies ahead for us! I try to rationalise it by thinking that really no-one, affected by cancer or not, really has any control over what happens in our lives. I am four and a half years out now, and just am teying to take each day as it comes, and make each day count. That's not to say tho, that there aren't days, and nights, when the dark thoughts still sneak in.After a particularly rough patch last year, my oncologist prescribed Lexapro for me, which seemed to help with the number of days where things seemed to get to me. Migh5 be worth having a chat to your dr and telling them how you feel.Like you, I only contribute here occasionally, but am forever grateful for the fabulous support and advice I have received here. I do hope you can get some support and start to feel better. Im sure there are some tough days, but also some fabulous ones ahead for you.Best wishes, Michele xxx

Hi @LisaJHM you don't have to feel positive about any part of this BC stuff. And you certainly don't need to feel guilty about not feeling positive. Because you know what? The whole thing sux. Big time. It doesn't matter if you only had a little tumour or you got through treatment relatively well. Don't compare your cancer situation to other people's. I'm notorious for trying to minimise things and it's not helpful. If you want to compare your situation, compare it to someone who doesn't have cancer. That has helped me put things into perspective a lot better. Best wishes to you for your next round of treatments.

LisaJHM

Member

6 years ago

trying so hard to be 'fine' ahead of radiation

Hi Everyone - I've been in and out of the forum for the last 6 months trying to keep my discussions focused on treatment. But I need to just let things out - I had a major panic attack on Sunday that took a lot out of me. At the centre of it all was a lack of feeling safe (emotionally mainly) with old traumas & stressful situations all coming flooding back. I've finished my chemo, had my surgery & am cleared to start radiation next week. I should be happy that I've had such positive results so far, but there is part of me that is afraid. There has been a lot on my plate work & family wise and I believe this is why the panic attack came on so strong as I've been trying to be 'strong & ok' for a long time. I'm struggling with finding ways to be positive about my situation & feel guilty for not doing so. As I'm sitting at home on my own a lot & not 'busy (i.e. distracted)' again yet with treatment I've got too much time to think. I'm scared of what the future brings & whether it will be 'rosy & fullfilling' or just more of the grind & stress that I've faced in the last few years, which I fully believe contributed to my breast cancer. I wonder if anyone else has felt like this? Thanks in advance.

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trying so hard to be 'fine' ahead of radiation

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