Forum Discussion
Recovery Emotions
After a good couple of weeks I had a bad day yesterday. On what should have been a good one. One bad thing happened, I cried, and the rest of the day was cactus.
I was starting the very first session of the ExMed Cancer exercise programme. I parked, walked fast (running a couple of minutes late) the 20m to the ticket machine, got the ticket and headed back to the car. I saw a man and a woman standing next to my car, gesturing at it, talking and taking pictures of it. My first thought was don't tell me someone's backed into it in the minute my back had been turned. So when I got there, the woman walking away by now, I politely asked the man "what's going on with my car?"
I won't go into the whole conversation but it turns out he was a parking inspector, which was impossible to tell unless you were really close to him and took time to look at the tiny logo on his non-descript zip up hoodie/jumper thing. He was smug, aggressive, didn't identify himself until I asked him who he was. He was unhelpful, bordering on rude and smirked as I put the ticket on my dashboard. Loathesome.
Then I had to wait ages to get into the gym as they haven't organised passes yet, and when I got upstairs the meet n greet had finished, I didn't know where to put my stuff (cos you need a pass to use the lockers) and I couldn't see the exercise physiologist. When he did see me and come over, he asked how I was and I burst into tears.
This reaction is completely unlike me! Normally an encounter like that would get my dander up and I'd be lodging formal complaints!
Today I feel a tad better but absurdly brittle.
Why are my emotions so close to the surface now?? I feel like the slightest thing will have me weeping and beating a hasty retreat to my cave. I've travelled the world on my own ffs! I've given birth with no drugs, stood up to bullies and talk to strangers without blinking an eye. Will this ever go away or is this the new me? I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
I know I feel more vulnerable now, and I'm trying to embrace that and allow it to bring more empathy and softness to how I interact with the world, but I really need my skin to be a bit thicker...
I was starting the very first session of the ExMed Cancer exercise programme. I parked, walked fast (running a couple of minutes late) the 20m to the ticket machine, got the ticket and headed back to the car. I saw a man and a woman standing next to my car, gesturing at it, talking and taking pictures of it. My first thought was don't tell me someone's backed into it in the minute my back had been turned. So when I got there, the woman walking away by now, I politely asked the man "what's going on with my car?"
I won't go into the whole conversation but it turns out he was a parking inspector, which was impossible to tell unless you were really close to him and took time to look at the tiny logo on his non-descript zip up hoodie/jumper thing. He was smug, aggressive, didn't identify himself until I asked him who he was. He was unhelpful, bordering on rude and smirked as I put the ticket on my dashboard. Loathesome.
Then I had to wait ages to get into the gym as they haven't organised passes yet, and when I got upstairs the meet n greet had finished, I didn't know where to put my stuff (cos you need a pass to use the lockers) and I couldn't see the exercise physiologist. When he did see me and come over, he asked how I was and I burst into tears.
This reaction is completely unlike me! Normally an encounter like that would get my dander up and I'd be lodging formal complaints!
Today I feel a tad better but absurdly brittle.
Why are my emotions so close to the surface now?? I feel like the slightest thing will have me weeping and beating a hasty retreat to my cave. I've travelled the world on my own ffs! I've given birth with no drugs, stood up to bullies and talk to strangers without blinking an eye. Will this ever go away or is this the new me? I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
I know I feel more vulnerable now, and I'm trying to embrace that and allow it to bring more empathy and softness to how I interact with the world, but I really need my skin to be a bit thicker...
88 Replies
I can so relate to thatkmakm said:I feel softer about the world, just not myself.- I have to give up the story of who I was. I'm not her anymore. I have to to come to terms with that and write a new story.
It certainly changes your outlook on a lot of things @"Kiwi Angel". I have to work on it not making me bitter. I don't mean about everything, just within and about myself. I feel softer about the world, just not myself. - @kmakm I know what u mean about looking back at the “old” u. I keep thinking about this time last year and the lump was nothing but a aesthetic concern as I had been previously told it was nothing. I didn’t have a care in the world and my biggest concern was dreading the Xmas work period. I would love to have that “me” back. I’m slowly getting there emotionally and will decide if I want to even myself out physically next year. I do have a new appreciation for not taking the people on my life for granted and not swearing the small stuff anymore that’s for sure! Big hugs to u all that are having rough days xoxo
- Thank you @Samm. Right back at you.
Time and patience... I have never been so impatient for a period of time to pass as this one! I am desperate to feel 'normal' again, whatever that is now. As the days tick past to the first anniversary of my mammogram, recall, diagnosis etc, I'm increasingly looking back in longing at the person I was then. I so wish I could be her again. I loathe my weakness and vulnerability.
I know the path to a contented life does not involve looking back. Shit happens. Sometimes a lot of shit. And there are people with way worse shit than mine. I know I must strive to stay in the moment, and to seek to live a life of mindfulness. And to contribute usefully to the world, to give back. When I have these anxious weeks it's harder to stay on track than it used to be.
I'm raging at fate, which is farting against thunder. Completely pointless.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this as well! Hopefully our funks will pass soon and we can get back on track. Whatever that track may be! We are more than mothers. I've got no answers. Just clinging on for dear life hoping the stuff I'm trying will work. All the very best fellow traveller. K xox - Kate, I logged on tonight feeling frustrated, disillusioned, a bit teary, impatient and just wanting to feel like I was before my surgery ...and then your post popped up! You are not alone with how you are feeling! Hope the days have been a bit better!
I know time and patience need to be our friends but now I am now struggling with not having a clear purpose outside of being the best mum I can be.
Stay strong and hopefully each day will bring us to a step closer to our new normal. Xx - @kitkatb I was very flat at the end of chemo. Everyone here assured me that was not at all unusual. Don't worry, it will pass. Mine was slowly replaced by a deep deep feeling of relief that it was over.
I LOVE fresh flowers in the house. They truly brighten my day. Bought myself some cheap n cheerful orchids yesterday and put them in my bedroom. Soft pink, very soothing and cheering.
Can't tell how I'll be yet today but the sun'scout and that's always a good start for me!
K xox - @kmakm Hi Kate, Last chemo finished 2 days ago feeling a bit average, but done and dusted. Thought my emotions would be a lot more positive but just feeling flat. I'm sure I will pick up once this first 10 days after chemo finished.
Hope you are in a better space since dealing with dickhead parking attendants. Just had my day made with a delivery of native flowers from a friend down the road. xox - @Artferret That five things technique sounds really good. I'm going to try that next time I'm having a wobble.
Well done keeping a lid on the stress at this time. I admire you for this strength. K xox - @kezmusc That is sure good to hear. And yes, I really miss my diesel engine grunt.
Fingers crossed everything evens out. I just have to keep plodding along and hope for best when it comes to Letrozole and menopause. Oh, and cancer...! - @kmakm
"Positivity" just gets my blood raging. How in hell do so called expert unwelcome advice givers think we have all got this far if we are not positive.
The other one is "Be strong" and "have hope" grrrrrrr
