Anyone else feel isolated and like some friends have disappeared from your life since cancer?? I'm 34 and was extremely social before my diagnosis. Since starting chemo for obvious reasons my social life has been put on hold for the most part. It's like because I won't go out drinking or up for very much I'm now of no interest to some friends. They've stopped texting and keeping intouch. No one apart from my close family pops by to check on me and my children. I feel like people are afraid of me! Am I alone on this?

The experience of this old chook (almost 60) is this. Whenever there is a major change in your life, there is some sifting out of "friends". When you marry, that takes you out of the "single" camp. Groups of single young women might choose to cut off the married one. She sort of cramps their style. Similarly, when kids come along, some childless step aside. They really have no interest in sleepless nights, vomiting and trouble latching on. But by far, the biggest life change, is a life threat. You have rung the Existential Bell for some. FFS...if you can get cancer, so might they...right. Their perceived immortality balloon has been popped. I don't know that they are afraid of you per se, but of what you have brought into focus...the fact that every person born, will at some point die. Truth be told, you're better off without having to drag any extra baggage around with you at this time..a bit of pruning always improves growth, for plants and for people. Lots of hugs ((( hug ))).

As a previous reply stated it unfortunately happens during every “change” in your life. When I first told people of my diagnosis people who hadn’t been around for a while suddenly wanted to know me again with promises of visits etc but surprise surprise it never happened. It’s often the people who you don’t think of as particularly close who often end up being those who show the most care and the right type of care. I have also found 2 new friends from this forum who live locally.

Quality not quantity. And, yes, what you gain in one aspect you lose often in another.I now seem to be the expert in what to do when everything goes shit shaped. I must admit I'm maybe not totally dedicated to putting myself out for those who dropped me like a hot scone when I was in big trouble. Yes, I'll help, but not with great enthusiasm. It is interesting to see the approaches people take when they suddenly want something from you. Apparently I'm too independent to need help and it's remarkable how off putting any display of resilience can be for some folk. "I just didn't think I could help". Hmm, maybe not, but we'll never know now, will we?

Agree with most of what has been said already, especially by @AllyJay - it's transitional. However, never underestimate the inability of people to know what to say - and to think it's OK to say nothing rather than put their foot in it. Some of your friends will get back in touch, when they have worked out how to deal with it all. One of the things we all learn when we have cancer is that we have to deal with other people's inability to deal with it!! Not fair, but frequent!

I was having a big whinge about this just yesterday.I had a quick surgery last year, avoided chemo and skipped straight to radiation for 5 weeks.I've not been ill... I'm perfectly capable of going for a picnic, coffee, dinner, movie but has anyone called - nope - nada!!I'm perfectly happy to go out for dinner and NOT discuss cancer if it makes them more comfortable but seriously - they need to grow-the-hell-up.As a wise friend said to me... they were there for ONE chapter of your life story.

Losing friends because of Cancer | BCNA Online Network

kmakm
Member
7 years ago
My heart goes out to you @Maggienbub. It's such a difficult time without friends and family adding to your woes. My friends have been beyond amazing but my mother has been difficult and my remaining sibling has chosen this week to attack and hurt me over something untrue and unimportant at this time. It's devastating. I'm sending you a huge enveloping bear hug. Hang in there. K xox
Sister
Member
7 years ago
@Maggienbub I don't think you ever get over losing your Mum. Mine died in 2000 and I still find myself wanting to ring her to tell her things. But while she was the strongest woman I've ever known, part of me is thankful that I never had to tell her about my diagnosis because she would have been devastated. (while she would have been cooking meals and cleaning my house).
iserbrown
Member
7 years ago
@Maggienbub

Perhaps look at it as those old friends and your sibling as being in recess.

Some don't know how to deal and others may have shown that they are not cut for someone else's trauma and have moved on. Some friends are seasonal and some are lifers.

At the weekend just gone I had a catch up with two girls I went to Tech School with, one neither of us had seen for 44 years but what was obvious we all had a deep connection and it was like we picked up from where we left off from, that last day at school and 5 hours later we decided we'd better come up for air and we will do it again and the group will be a little bigger next time as we look up friends from long ago!

It's important at this time that you surround yourself with positive people and yes the one person I wish I could share this wretched journey with is my Mum, she died in 2008.

Take care
jane84
Member
7 years ago
@Maggienbub Sorry to hear of your mum! And Yes losing the life before is one of the hardest aspects of all of this. I hope you have found solice in the new friendships you have formed! Xx
Maggienbub
Member
7 years ago
Couldn't agree more Jane84 and the many others that replied. I lost my Mum to lung cancer & still mourning. My only sibling chose my diagnosis to abandon me including my much loved niece & nephew. A lot of close friends chose the same path.The references to support for family & friends in literature hurts. Let alone the next of kin line on forms. Anyways, I suppose for me the worst bit is that my life before both my cancers has gone & the loss of these familiar people just adds to the loss and the massive changes we go thru. I'm of the treat other's like we want to be treated ourselves. I must be old fashioned.
Yes, I've met some lovely new friends and friendships in the making which I treasure. But I miss the old me and I miss the familiarity of my old friends. And of course I miss my greatest strength, my Mum.
arpie
Member
8 years ago
Sadly, it happens. When my husband was diagnosed with stomach cancer back in 2010 - he was incredibly fit - an award winning triathlete! I was AMAZED when one friend in particular never made contact after I'd advised him of his diagnosis! I don't know if he thought it was 'catchy'? We had supported him when his son was killed in a cycling crash, so it was even more weird. We caught up with him last year when he visited from NZ ..... so that was good.

I've been lucky since I was diagnosed in Jan - most of my friends & fellow Uke Players & yak fishos have been incredibly supportive of me. Stunned - but supportive.

Our life is made up of friends who come in & out of our lives - some for a short time, some for a long time - some for ALL the time!

Try not to worry too much about it - it is THEIR problem, not yours! ;)
jane84
Member
8 years ago
Thanks @Tennille xx
Tennille
Member
8 years ago
Unfortunately no you are not alone. My phone hardly rings anymore and I have also suffered the loss of many friends. I guess Cancer really knows how to weed the garden if you know what I mean. These days I go for quality not quantity. Us BC girls have got your back.
Afraser
Member
8 years ago
Agree with most of what has been said already, especially by @AllyJay - it's transitional. However, never underestimate the inability of people to know what to say - and to think it's OK to say nothing rather than put their foot in it. Some of your friends will get back in touch, when they have worked out how to deal with it all. One of the things we all learn when we have cancer is that we have to deal with other people's inability to deal with it!! Not fair, but frequent!
Zoffiel
Member
8 years ago
Quality not quantity. And, yes, what you gain in one aspect you lose often in another.
I now seem to be the expert in what to do when everything goes shit shaped. I must admit I'm maybe not totally dedicated to putting myself out for those who dropped me like a hot scone when I was in big trouble. Yes, I'll help, but not with great enthusiasm. It is interesting to see the approaches people take when they suddenly want something from you. Apparently I'm too independent to need help and it's remarkable how off putting any display of resilience can be for some folk. "I just didn't think I could help". Hmm, maybe not, but we'll never know now, will we?