It's Not Me

Hi San-dee

its very difficult when you are first diagnosed and you have no idea of what to expect and what treatments may be required etc. People say the stupidest things because they really don't know what else to say. They think they are being supportive.  Unfortunately, that will continue on throughout your journey.  We have often written about the things you shouldn't say to a cancer patient. 

You are self absorbed because you are scared and fearful and that is completely understandable. Cancer is frightening. The treatments are frightening. We all understand that.  Regardless of how "bad" your diagnosis is, it is confronting and you are going to have to focus on you and getting well again. You will feel calmer and a little more in control once you know what it is exactly that you are dealing with and what your treatment plan is going to be.  Take one day at a time.  Hang in there. Karen xox

Its ok to be worried and have all sorts of scary emotions as you have never had to face having cancer before and we understand. Its not trivial, I would say its more personal. Its your breast for goodness sakes and it doesn't sit on your back or on your leg, its right up front on your chest and its a private thing to every woman. Just hang in there and take each step by step and day by day. You do get through it, so I am told as I am still having chemo and sometimes I think I might go insane before they are finished. Hugz XXX

Hi San-Dee

Unless someone's had cancer, or perhaps their beloved did, I don't think it's possible to truly empathise. That's not being mean, it just makes sense. I could never have imagined what it's like - freaking terrifying and foreign and messy. So when someone, likely very well meaning, says trite things like 'it's small', 'you'll be fine', or 'Billy Sue was way worse than you', I'd like to slap them silly. And I'm a very nonviolent person. [Unless you're telling yourself those things and then it's a coping mechanism!]. Cancer is cancer. Having a small, node-free cancer is a bonus, but it's still f***ing cancer. Everyone is on the same cancer bus. How you see yourself is your business and no one else's. You are worthy of love and compassion and support and wizzy bang treatment. Be kind to yourself....gosh, good luck with feelings. Maybe you're so self-absorbed because someone said you have cancer!

All the best x

Hi San-dee,

if you aren't allowed to be self-absorbed when you are dealing with cancer, when are you?  The world has chugged along with various disasters since my diagnosis on January 27th, but I can only view the last two months through the prism of my diagnosis and two failed operations, with the final treatment of a mastectomy on March 22nd.  I have no guilt at all about thinking of myself.  I try to be positive all of the time, as sitting in a corner and moping will only make me feel worse and do nothing to make my cancer go away.  

But as many others have also experienced, one of the worst parts is dealing with friends who tell you bracingly that most people survive nowadays and that there are wonderful new treatments, as they don't know what else to say.  Alternatively, there are the doom and gloom people.  I have an 85 year old friend who tells me how her sister-in-law survived breast cancer, but her two sisters died of it.  This makes its way into the conversation every time I speak to her, even when I tell her that I don't want to hear about it.  My brother can't seem to avoid bringing death from various diseases into the conversation, as he is very awkward in dealing with anything emotional, and doesn't know what to say!  My sister is ready to strangle him on my behalf.

I try to keep the positive attitude up in public, but it can be VERY hard at times.  You have to keep your own compassion and sense of humour going, and realise that people care and are trying to help, but at times it takes a superhuman effort!

Hi San-dee,

Welcome to the Online Network. Thank you for coming online and sharing how you are feeling. As you can see already the members here are amazing. They will share their story and provide you with the support you need as they have been there or are going through what you are going through right now. Keep sharing how you are feeling, we are here for you.

~ Ann-Marie x

Hi Maryrose,

Thank you for taking time out to reply. I think you are right. It does take less energy to be positive, rather than negative and I have to remember not to try to get head of myself. 

Some friends have been a bit stand-offish, while others are there just to listen. The ones that are an issue are the ones who offer advice. "You should have this treatment", My friend had it and ...", "At least you still have your breast!". I just want to smack them!

It seems there are no rules, rhymes or reasons for this insidious thing which has taken up residence in so many women. Even from the little I have read here, I have learned how personal the journey is, and will continue to be. There is no "one size fits all" and it has taken these couple of replies to my blog to make me realise this. 

Since my diagnosis I have been more concerned about the process than the outcome and now I just want to get on with it. 

Thanks for "listening".

Look after youself.  San-Dee

Hey san-dee

You will find that lots of people dont know what to say. I had friends stay away all together and others talk to me like i was on my deathbed. Truth is no one knows how you feel unless they have been through it themselves. I have a significant family history my mum was diagnosed when i was a kid. Growing up i remember how negative and anxious  she was all the time. She ended up with depression and this was in the day when they used to tell you to go out and mix with people. It left quite an impact on me growing up so after that initial shock of my diagnosis i have done nothing but think positive. I see no point in putting energy into worrying and negativity as it achieves nothing. I put all my energy into getting better. The impact on my daughter as a result was minimal as to her i was same old mum..yes grumpy and feeling like crap sometimes but picking myself up and getting on with it.

Take it one step at a time and you will get through treatment.

Take care.????

Maryrose 

Hi Nadi,

I too had no close family history. I'm still learning all the "cancer-speak". My lymph nodes were clear but I am both oestrogen and progesterone positive. My cancer turned out to be more aggressive and a lot bigger than first thought, so  both my husband and I are more shocked about that. Now talking about radiation, hormone and chemo therapies and I am somewhere between lost and terrified. Trying to relay any information to my family is really difficult because half the time I don't know what I am talking about. 

So hopefully being part of this community will help. Receiving the replies I have had so far, certainly have done that.

Thank you and take care.

San-Dee

Hi Inkpetal,

Thanks for making me feel self absorption worthy! Hopefully as time goes on when all the oncology treatment is under way I and I am more familiar with this site I will be in a better frame of mind. Still toddling at the moment but really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Stay well

Hi Rowdy,

Thanks for the comment. Still don't know how I am feeling, but I'm sure I'll get there in the end. Horror stories are coming my way as well and comments like "You'll be fine" and "Think positive thoughts" seem so glib. They really are starting to annoy me. It's nice to read what others here have to say, but sad there are so many. I appreciate your thoughts.

All the best