Hi everyoneI’ve never posted here so please forgive any newbie mistakes. I wanted to start asking some fellow warriors some of the questions I find I cannot get answers to, from myself or any of my beautiful medical team. I’m just gonna dive in with this one:Am I a freak for feeling totally alone and abandoned AFTER I’ve come through my treatment and am ‘healthy’ again? It feels like I was so supported through the whole journey from devastating diagnosis to chemo to surgery to rads to hormonal therapy to physio.....and now that I’m doing much better, and I’ve had a complete clinical response (HECK yeah) and I’m achieving great things - nobody is there for me anymore. I still suffer greatly with (sadly invisible) mental illness/post trauma and with frustrating boring horrible ongoing treatment consequences. So why is it so hard to have support after the actual cancer storm has passed? Is it just me or is it incredibly lonely when you are supposedly ‘fine’ now, and superwoman, and ‘an inspiration’ and all your previous support systems fall away? It’s like none of my close friends or family have the same empathy and care they showed when I was sick, yet I feel so destroyed by everything I’ve been through still, and have no one to turn to anymore. Feels like breast cancer didn’t kill me but it killed the dynamic of all my close relationships instead. I'm feeling quite depressed by this experience. I hope someone can identify or share some wisdom. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest (no pun intended). xo

Holly you can post in this forum any time you want to and pretty much about any thing. That's what its here for. I am wondering since our cancer scare, did it scare all our loved ones into living their own lives to the fullest and we sort of got forgotten? It's up to us to find things we enjoy ourselves. It doesn't have to be big like a world holiday. Just a new jigsaw puzzle challenge is good. There is a song, some days are diamonds, some days are stone. Very true sometimes during our lives. Look forward to the diamonds. <3

I am not sure I can explain this well enough so hope you can read around what I am trying to say about this.I think over our lifetime pre breast cancer we built up stores of self confidence based around experiences we have had often involving interaction with others thru work , sport , social stuff including family. We grew to take for granted our invincibility.Yes I know we all get kicks along the way but fundamentally we develop self belief.A cancer diagnosis drops the floor of confidence from under our feet and to rebuild it needs time and practice like a child learning to walk. It also needs acceptance of our new normal - be it scars , aches and pains , and even ongoing medical monitoring etc.In the initial stages of this “repair “ work we are quite needy requiring more from family and friends . To family and friends we look the same and talk the same but we are no longer the same person we were pre diagnosis as the stuffing has been knocked out of us.That is where this blog and support groups can help as we can share with others who understand this.A child starts out in life vulnerable and dependent but over time grows in confidence thru experiences which often include a lot of practice with falls and fumbles along the way. We can too.

Hi @"Holly Prevails" I've had two bouts of BC --Version 1 and V2. I , too can identify with what you are saying. V1, I had all manner of trouble with surgery that went on and on (still have issues) but mentally I was OK. Maybe that was because I was still part of the system long after chemo and didn't feel so much like I'd been cast out on my own. By the time I'd had 7 surgeries I was well and truly ready to get the hell away from the medical system.This time has been very different. In the intervening years two of the founding members of my Team Titty have died and I feel like everyone else is getting a little jaded. '''Again, Marg? Really?'. Physically I'm taking a very long time to recover which, of course, impacts on my mental health. Its not doing my bank balance any good either.I also have a long standing relationship with a shrink, but I'm struggling to afford to see her, and I'm not sure that there is much she can do anyway. OK, maybe we could continue some anger management stuff and work on my coming to terms with my situation, but while I'm still seeing my broken body as the problem I don't know that's useful either. Its the everyday stuff--I try really hard not to be a downer if I'm asked how I'm doing. What do you say? Perhaps that why some people don't ask, they can take one look at me and go, 'Nup, I don't really want to know.' The other end of the equation are those who keep bloody asking in the hope of getting some bad news, I don't feel like being the exclamation mark at the end of someone's story about the people they know who have cancer. They can get stuffed. See, no wonder people are conflicted about how to approach the subject...Keep plodding and treasure the good hours. They are there, it's just too easy to focus on the dark stuff. I'm going to plant more trees today. Nothing says 'Hope' more than planting a garden. Mxx

Well I've chosen to believe I'm cured or NED...rather than remission. ..which means you still have cancer but it's not active....unless of course you have metastatic bc.However that's me.Oh it's hard to pick up our life threads. I think in some ways it must be like the returned soldier. Imagine just coming home and returning to normal life. We are only now beginning to understand how difficult that is. BC survival is a battle. We are the mentally wounded soldiers...and just like them finding a new focus helps.I found supporting other women with bc diagnosis helped me. You could consider this forum or joining local groups or fundraising groups. I also focussed on my weight reduction so I am a member of a private group of women who support each other and share our struggles regaining our health.Shifting your focus brings purpose back and then suddenly one day ...you realise you think of yourself as a SURVIVOR. Because once we believe....well...we've got our life back again.

I believe it's a fairly common thing, what you're feeling. For me it's a feeling of knowing I've come out the other side different but everyone expects me to be the same as before. I'm really struggling with a sense of being held back when I really want to move forward. No one seems to get it or really want to listen. I have a psychologist, too, who's helping me a bit. There are also post treatment programs and, of course, the bcna helpline if you think it might be helpful.

It’s harder and lonelier now that I’m in remission. What’s that about?

39 Replies

PatsyN
Member
8 years ago
@kmakm I'm seeing a great cognitive therapist. You get a cure you in 6 weeks but only one problem at a time, lol.
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
I've been worried about this time since I was diagnosed.

I am keeping a running list on my phone onto which I add every idea of what would make me happier/calmer/more fulfilled/fitter etc etc the moment I think of it. No more putting off my life plans until 'one day'. When I finish treatment I will start exploring each one, money permitting.

I am also seeing a psychologist to help me through which I'm finding very helpful.
PatsyN
Member
8 years ago
I was declared free of cancer last week but the physical damage hasn't even peaked. How do you tell anyone that your cancer has gone with a smile on your face???
SoldierCrab
Member
8 years ago
totally agree Romla
I did encore then I found out our local bc nurse had started a support group now I am secretary to that group. I am very active on here. I have done a BC exercise group that our local exercise physiologist has going .... I have 2 groups I admin on Facebook for BC and I have 2 groups here I facilitate with others.....
Like you said some of the older ladies have been my stabilizing supports as I learnt to know the new me and what is normal after BC, Their openness and at times bluntness have been both engaging and funny. I also sought help from a psychologist as I knew I was really struggling and in a dark place.

What are others doing ?
Romla
Member
8 years ago
Ok - if we know why this happens to us have you got either ideas or tips that you have used to get thru the first few months until we start to get back on our feet.

I found the endorphins released by a one hour walk helps with the blues . I became involved for a while with a local support group as well as did the YWCA’s Encore hydrotherapy course both of which put me in contact with others who had had a breast cancer diagnosis. I also became an active participant on this blog trying to help others.I joined a local gentle exercise class which as well as helping joint pain has introduced me to a lot of new people whom I may not have talked much to before as they are a bit older than me. Old age might turn the hair grey and the joints a bit stiff but I have found them interesting ,lively and on occasions very funny.

I firmly believe I needed to look outside myself and no it wasn’t easy to start this - meeting strangers alone when I was low was hard. I was lucky to find people who recognised this and accepted me as I was and am.But we need to try because no one else can do this for us.
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
So good @Romla
SoldierCrab
Member
8 years ago
romla love that explanation....
smokie08
Member
8 years ago
Well said romla it is a bit like that.
Summer_Prevails
Member
8 years ago
Ugh I wrote a much longer thing responding to Zoffiel and others and it cut off after one line ! Damn. Sorry about that. Technology fail!
Romla
Member
8 years ago
I am not sure I can explain this well enough so hope you can read around what I am trying to say about this.

I think over our lifetime pre breast cancer we built up stores of self confidence based around experiences we have had often involving interaction with others thru work , sport , social stuff including family. We grew to take for granted our invincibility.Yes I know we all get kicks along the way but fundamentally we develop self belief.

A cancer diagnosis drops the floor of confidence from under our feet and to rebuild it needs time and practice like a child learning to walk. It also needs acceptance of our new normal - be it scars , aches and pains , and even ongoing medical monitoring etc.

In the initial stages of this “repair “ work we are quite needy requiring more from family and friends . To family and friends we look the same and talk the same but we are no longer the same person we were pre diagnosis as the stuffing has been knocked out of us.That is where this blog and support groups can help as we can share with others who understand this.

A child starts out in life vulnerable and dependent but over time grows in confidence thru experiences which often include a lot of practice with falls and fumbles along the way. We can too.

Forum Discussion

It’s harder and lonelier now that I’m in remission. What’s that about?

39 Replies

Recent Discussions

Friday Funnies

Wise words ....

🌏Take A Global Deep Breath on May 13th

Baring all

Today's feelings in poetry