Drained- Depressed & Struggling

THERE ARE STILL MANY WORDS I WANT TO SPEAK

30th December 2018

Breast Cancer seems to have sucked the life out of me!

The thing that bothers me most about getting old is words. Words I want to say but if left for a minute or two I have completely forgotten what they were!

I know or think they were important, alas they are gone never to be spoken but remain a constant gnawing on my brain for some time in my mind of jumble only to be forgotten forever.

I know they are in there, “why can’t I recall or spit them out?”

People of my age all agree they have the same problem, why is it happening to me? Is is because I am now 70 years of age or just some dam medical trickery bestowed upon us older persons? Why hasn’t it been addressed a long time ago by the medical profession?

How come most of our politicians do not seem to be affected by loss of memory? They or most of them are well into their late senior years, how come they can be running the country & making world decisions without this memory problem?

Is there something we are not availed to, a medical treatment they have we are not offered? Just why is it that the medical profession has not found a simple solution to such a huge problem that affects a huge senior population in the world? BUT not our politicians all over the world!

Is there some form of medical priority conspiracy availed to politicians, the wealthy, doctors, etc How come they don’t seem to be affected like a lot of other populous? Or is it just me thinking this?

My brain seems to be trying to compensate for what it can’t remember by working overtime. Thinking up solutions to problems and situations that really I should not be trying to solve.

I feel overwhelmed by future problems that I shouldn’t even be bothered about. Why can’t I slow my thinking ahead all the time? It’s as if I know from my past just what is going to happen but can’t stop it!

Why can’t I just forget & let go & try to relax & enjoy what I have left of my life in a meaningful way that is suitable to my NOW!

I have passed down what I have learned & know what is right & what is wrong to my children & grandchildren now it is time to move on.

BUT where to & what to I don’t know where the road to it is or what it is I am to do now.

It isn’t coming naturally as things did in the past. Like working, running household, rearing my children. I did it all as it came along but now NOTHING! Just can’t find the next road to get on. It doesn’t seem to be there as naturally as the past, I have come to a complete BLANK!

I have more questions every single day than answers. Why is that? Is it because my brain is not functioning as it should be? Is it because of the chemo and radiation I had and have not had enough time to get back to normal yet? Or is it my aging, losing brain function, maybe alzheimer's or dementia or something like that? Maybe even Mets. from my breast cancer.

Could I have a tumour on my brain I don’t know about?

See as I said more questions these days than answers. Nothing spontaneous, no plans nothing to really aspire to anymore. No reason to wake up & jump out of bed for. The REASONS I once had in my past are no longer there.

Now don’t get this wrong. I do love my family very much. But they are at where I was many years ago. They still are only one third or halfway through there reasons and purpose for getting up and doing things with fun & spontaneity I no longer feel what they feel each day.

Do I have an illness I feel doctors would say I am depressed. Yes I would agree in a way but not in a downwards way in a lost way. I have usually always been able to solve any problem that came my way. Now I feel I can’t anymore & it bothers me terribly.

Being not in control of what to do about it causes me great angst.

I know I am not well as I sleep almost half a day every day if not more. I am soooooooo tired all the time I literally drag myself around when I am upright. My eating habits have gone off the chart! I am eating all the wrong foods and too much of it also. Though my defence is my current living arrangements. My loving family.

I love being with my family, but if I thought I could manage by myself I would much prefer it. I feel I have lost a great deal of my independence by moving in with them & giving up my unit. I must say at this point though I realise & appreciate the fact that they offered & I knew I did need their support for my treatments & doctor’s appointments etc.

I want to be independant again but am not sure if I may be heading down the track for further health problems with my breast cancer. So am sensible enough to stall looking for a unit for the moment. This puts a strain on me mentally & emotionally about my future lifestyle.

I know in my heart I should be grateful & just accept it is what it is. Be grateful settle down don’t worry go about your day as normal & do the best you can each day. Take one day at a time and all that stuff, I hear it every day. BUT I am a doer not a sitter, these days I seem to be sitting & pondering more than doing, it is driving me crazy!

Just where do I go from here, what to do about it or not I don’t know! It’s doing my mind in & eating at my soul. I feel I have died & just waiting for my heart to stop now & it will be all over. In fact I am sure this is my situation unless I can find a way to fulfill my soul & days with more positive things daily or when I am physically & mentally able to.

So a list of things I need to do:

One:        I need to start walking to get fit again.

Two:        Go to doctor get TSH levels checked for my tiredness

Three:    Look for other hobbies or interests to fill my days,

Four:        Lunches or coffee with Dale more often.

Five:        Go for drives with or without Dale, anywhere just get out.

Six:        Bake boiled fruit cake or cookies take to a friend for cuppa.

Seven:    Crochet much smaller things, easier on oneself.

Eight:        Go to a movie with Dale now & again.

Nine:        Minimize stuff from your room, unclutter it!

Ten:        Buy Air plants & collect them for a hobby also Fuschias.

Eleven:    Write to your dying sister Jean more often now for her.

Twelve:    Learn how to laugh out loud again or deeply. So it feels good.

Thirteen:    JUST get out there & live till your DEAD Then give up not now!   

Now I started this off as a list of words that I wanted to speak or not left unspoken before I had the chance to before I departed this life. It actually ended up a therapy session for myself. Hope I get into it for 2019

Dawn Cynthia Brown (That’s another thing I need to do one day. Change that bloody surname) But that’s another session on it’s own.👎

Still receiving treatment IV Herceptin every three weeks until March 2018 ( I think.) Finished Chemo & radiation (yuk that was awful) now the usual every three months Echocardiogram, on Femara (Letrozole) for 7 years if no side effects. Been referred to a dentist as Femara may cause problems that appointment on 3rd Jan. next.

Sadly I have been like a investment chart up & down all over the place. Sounds normal for all you sisters out there. Still coping is a problem for me. Sad I was never this person who I am now just a shell of someone I don’t know. I know deep down I will get through this from life experiences BUT that word BUT is still lurking in the background.

Thank god I can rant on here, no wish to burden you all with what you are already coping with yourselves. I needed to do this to kick myself off for the new year & get on with it again.

Thanks again for being here love to all you wonderful sister sufferers’

Dawn

Dawnc said:

Well it has been three months since I have been online so here goes. Twelve weekly sessions of chemo (Paclitaxel) plus Trastuzumab (hercepton) every three weeks just completed! Last tuesday was my last chemo (Paclitaxel) YAY! 
I was to start 4 weeks of radiation on 17th Sept. But was notified yesterday it will now start on 2nd October and I will only have 16 days again YAY!  It has been the most draining weekly sessions I could ever have imagined, sorry for the complaining but I am exhausted. My body is not mine it looks like some 90 year olds. No hair has taken away my identy, my poor old body is sagging, covered in chemo rash damage, lack of colour, I am so tired all the time, can't concentrate and not much interested in anything that goes on around me! 
What the hell happened to me in the last three months go? I've been in a timewarp!
Where did the fun loveing grandma go, the lady who loved meeting her friends at craft every Thursday & who loved her indoor bowls every Monday with her group. Where did she go? 
I really didn't have any expectations when I went in to this I just decided to do the very best I could at it & give it my best shot at beating this dam big C. Wow today I feel like laying down & sleeping & just letting mother nature take over.
Yep I am depressed I realise I need to seek some help I don't know this person any more who is she?
I have about three weeks of only Trastuzumab every three weeks so a break might just give me back some energy to get through the rest of these few months. Hopefully I will be able to visit my craft & indoor bowls groups to say hi to them all again as I have only been able to visit them twice each over the past three months & that was a struggle.
As long as I make the effort & keep moving forward I am sure I will get through this but have just hit a brick wall at moment & need to retreat, regroup & reenergise, get positive & move on for the next round.
Sorry for the long rant I needed to vent so thought of all you sisters out there. Until next time love & good health to you all may your journey be smooth. Regards Dawn