Forum Discussion
Almost
2011 Sister diagnosed with and treated for a malignant sarcoma on her leg.
2012 Sister-in-law diagnosed with incurable brain cancer.
2013 Sister diagnosed with and treated for Stage 3 BC.
2014 Sister's BC returns, metastasised to lungs and liver.
2015 Sister-in-law dies.
2016 Father treated for aggressive prostate cancer. Sister dies.
2017 I'm diagnosed with BC.
2018 Chemo, double mastectomy and reconstruction.
Eight years of cancer and death. I just wanted to get through this year without anyone being diagnosed with, treated for, or dying from cancer. 2010 was the last time this happened. I've thought about it every couple of weeks all year, and more frequently as we got closer to the end of the year.
We almost made it. Two and a half weeks to go. The finish line was in sight.
Two years to the day that my husband went round to my parents' house to tell them I had BC, on the day I had my re-excision for margins, my father tells me that his prostate cancer has metastasised to his lungs. Two years to the hour.
It is staggering. Not that his cancer's back, but that for the ninth year in a row, we are here yet again. Prognosis is uncertain at this stage, the spots are tiny, yet to be biopsied and could possibly be held indefinitely at bay with hormone supression. But chemo could also be on the cards, as of course is his death. He's 83 and in very good nick, but I am SO angry, and so defeated. It's not the tragedy of dying of cancer at 47, but after everything we've been through in the last decade it's a cruel, cruel blow.
We're not telling the children now, and we may never, but if it comes to it, how on earth am I going to do it? The youngest two, my sister's kids, lived all their lives with my parents until they came to live with me. They are deeply traumatised, there are ongoing psychological and behavioural issues that are monstrously hard and hugely stressful to handle. Progress is slow and fractional.
Some weeks ago I told my psychologist that while I was making huge efforts to get myself onto an even keel, and making efforts towards leading a life that was bearable, hope was not something I had. She maintained that hope was human being's superpower, and that she was going to continue to try to get me to hope again. Bitterly this demonstrates why I am right. If I dare to hope, if glimmers of hope spring uncalled for from my subconscious, than my reality slaps them back down again. Thank goodness I didn't let hope back into my life. Thank goodness I stopped it when I started to feel it. Thank goodness I caught it and suppressed it. Because how I feel now would be worse, so much worse. If I'd received this news in a state of hopefulness... instead I feel grimly prepared for the horror to come.
It's really hard to see the point anymore.
Almost. We almost made it.
2012 Sister-in-law diagnosed with incurable brain cancer.
2013 Sister diagnosed with and treated for Stage 3 BC.
2014 Sister's BC returns, metastasised to lungs and liver.
2015 Sister-in-law dies.
2016 Father treated for aggressive prostate cancer. Sister dies.
2017 I'm diagnosed with BC.
2018 Chemo, double mastectomy and reconstruction.
Eight years of cancer and death. I just wanted to get through this year without anyone being diagnosed with, treated for, or dying from cancer. 2010 was the last time this happened. I've thought about it every couple of weeks all year, and more frequently as we got closer to the end of the year.
We almost made it. Two and a half weeks to go. The finish line was in sight.
Two years to the day that my husband went round to my parents' house to tell them I had BC, on the day I had my re-excision for margins, my father tells me that his prostate cancer has metastasised to his lungs. Two years to the hour.
It is staggering. Not that his cancer's back, but that for the ninth year in a row, we are here yet again. Prognosis is uncertain at this stage, the spots are tiny, yet to be biopsied and could possibly be held indefinitely at bay with hormone supression. But chemo could also be on the cards, as of course is his death. He's 83 and in very good nick, but I am SO angry, and so defeated. It's not the tragedy of dying of cancer at 47, but after everything we've been through in the last decade it's a cruel, cruel blow.
We're not telling the children now, and we may never, but if it comes to it, how on earth am I going to do it? The youngest two, my sister's kids, lived all their lives with my parents until they came to live with me. They are deeply traumatised, there are ongoing psychological and behavioural issues that are monstrously hard and hugely stressful to handle. Progress is slow and fractional.
Some weeks ago I told my psychologist that while I was making huge efforts to get myself onto an even keel, and making efforts towards leading a life that was bearable, hope was not something I had. She maintained that hope was human being's superpower, and that she was going to continue to try to get me to hope again. Bitterly this demonstrates why I am right. If I dare to hope, if glimmers of hope spring uncalled for from my subconscious, than my reality slaps them back down again. Thank goodness I didn't let hope back into my life. Thank goodness I stopped it when I started to feel it. Thank goodness I caught it and suppressed it. Because how I feel now would be worse, so much worse. If I'd received this news in a state of hopefulness... instead I feel grimly prepared for the horror to come.
It's really hard to see the point anymore.
Almost. We almost made it.
18 Replies
- @kmakm You have been dealt an absolutely awful hand by life lately and like the other ladies I feel for you and send what caring and support I can. You said you won’t go on about your dad’s illness on here because it is a BC forum but that is not how I see it. This is a safe place where we can vent about anything that impacts our lives and seek understanding and support that can help us cope with having this shitty disease as well as our daily lives. So please don’t censor what you share here - there is no rule to say you can only talk about BC. 😘
- Shitbags. Really miserable news.
I've been liking the 'One day closer to rain' philosophy. There is no point looking back and that sooner or later things will change for the better. Which doesn't mean that it won't get a whole lot fucking worse before there is peace and relief. But every day that passes is one day closer to rain.
That feeling of 'what's the point's is interesting, hey? I've had a few conversations with That Poor Woman ( my long suffering shrink) about not caring and being on auto pilot. She points out that while I care enough to care about not caring, I'm connected enough to keep going. You do have to wonder, though, why it all has to be so bloody hard sometimes. Hang in there. MXX - @kmakm, you have no idea the strength, laughter and kindness you give to others here on this forum.
THANK YOU for that.
Please know that we see you as strong, funny and kind.
If we can give a small bit back to you then we are doing well.
Please know we are thinking of you, your sadness and grief, worrying about your dad, and family.
I am giving my big bit back to you now, and here it is: xxxxxxooooo - Bugger bugger bugger ... @kmakm. My heart goes out to you and your Dad and your Mum. What a cruel blow. This will be devasting for the whole family. Hopefully recent advances in treatment will work in your Dad’s favour.
Thinking of you all bigtime. Xxxxx - Oh Geezus @kmakm. Like honestly, why, when one thing goes to hell does it snowball from there on for what seems like eternity?
There are no words to help of course, but do know I am thinking of you. xoxoxoxooxox - Hello @kmakm I am really sorry to hear the news that your fathers cancer has spread. Sending best wishes to both of you.
- @kmakm, you can "go on" about it as much as you need lovely x.
Your post made me cry and really hit a chord with me. Cancer is cancer whether BC or not, it's a tough road that is often made easier by venting / sharing with people who have travelled down it before us.
You were a great support when I first came here after my diagnosis and that helped me cope with my new world. <3 - Life is precious and none of us know how long we have. Get out there and do everything you want to do. I don't wait any more. Early Christmas presents darned well get open now. While my physical body is quite good I get out and do stuff. Life is not only to be endured, its to be enjoyed. Hugz <3
- Dear @kmakm,
from jennyss in Western NSW - Thank you all for your responses. Hugs gratefully received. @Nefertari I am so sorry that your family has had a similar experience. My heart goes out to you.
This place is where I tell the truth. In real life I express some of this to my husband, but the face everyone sees is stoic. I soldier on and will be as supportive and helpful as I can to my father and mother.
Unfortunately I feel somewhat more 'fluent' in cancer than I did two years ago. So I understand how my father feels to a greater degree, and I understand the steps that have to be taken. Last night he was explaining what a PET scan was, and who the various specialists were. He doesn't have to for me.
I can feel all the work I've done with my psychologist propping me up somewhat, and being on the right dose of antidepressants is helping.
Last night my mother was stoic and pragmatic. They've been sitting on the news that something was wrong for a week and the results for a couple of days so have adjusted somewhat. She is an optimist, my father is a pessimist. He was grim, shaken, had tears in his eyes (unusual), and not smiling. He looked sad and afraid in a brave way. I said my bit about crossing bridges when we get to them and not before.
After he got the news he went straight to bowls to "distract" himself. We all know the drill here eh.
They are pragmatic, acknowledging that they're in their eighties and they have to die of something at some point. But why in the vast panoply of illnesses did it have to be cancer?
I wish my family didn't have to go through this again. And at Christmas, again. No point in wishing either. If wishes were horses beggers would ride.
Thanks for reading. I won't go on about it here, it is a BC forum after all. You are all such a tremendous support and 'get it' in ways that others don't. I hope you all have a good end of the year, get a nice summer break and if Christmas is your thing, that it's full of blessings. K xox
