Forum Discussion
Accepting your New Self
I could have put this discussion in the breast reconstruction group but thought it was better in general discussion.
I'm struggling at the monent.
Yes My cancer was found at stage 1 and I had no nodes and clear scans.
Yes I had a bilateral mastectomy due to dense breasts and family history, a decision which wasn't hard but certainly upset me knowing its impact on my intimacy and body image.
Yes my Herceptin was stopped due to heart failure twice but I got halfway.
Yes I had a good reconstruction, which still just needs the icing on tbe cake (nipples) sorted.
Yes...I have every reason to believe I will be one of the 90%
But by golly things are tough for me presently. I'm uncomfortable with my body without clothes. The reality has finally hit home after final changeover...that this is it. I don't have breasts. I have memorials built as breasts. But no sensation. No natural movement. This is it. It has taken me 15 months to really mourn my loss. During treatment I just got on with it. But suddenly it's now got really hard.
It's a phase I guess. Grief is a funny thing and I just need to work through.
And even though I'm grateful to have hair again ..it is nothing like my hair. Texture is the same but colour and curl are very different to who I was. I miss my hair.
Somebody said to me this week...I was trying to explain it...I'd just be happy to be alive. Well...hell yeah I am....and I explained it to her. If someone had their leg cut off due to cancer would you say that? Would you not understand why they grieve for the loss? Our breasts were part of us...our sexuality, fed our children, a coming of age.
They're just breasts is probably the most hurtful thing someone could say.
Last night I met many ladies at "State of tbe Nation" who so openly shared their stories. The thing that struck me, the thing that brought tears last night ...at home...in the early hours...was remembering what we quietly discussed. She said...12 years on...it doesn't matter how long it is...I will always miss my breasts. And I realised...Yes...I will too.
Kath x
I'm struggling at the monent.
Yes My cancer was found at stage 1 and I had no nodes and clear scans.
Yes I had a bilateral mastectomy due to dense breasts and family history, a decision which wasn't hard but certainly upset me knowing its impact on my intimacy and body image.
Yes my Herceptin was stopped due to heart failure twice but I got halfway.
Yes I had a good reconstruction, which still just needs the icing on tbe cake (nipples) sorted.
Yes...I have every reason to believe I will be one of the 90%
But by golly things are tough for me presently. I'm uncomfortable with my body without clothes. The reality has finally hit home after final changeover...that this is it. I don't have breasts. I have memorials built as breasts. But no sensation. No natural movement. This is it. It has taken me 15 months to really mourn my loss. During treatment I just got on with it. But suddenly it's now got really hard.
It's a phase I guess. Grief is a funny thing and I just need to work through.
And even though I'm grateful to have hair again ..it is nothing like my hair. Texture is the same but colour and curl are very different to who I was. I miss my hair.
Somebody said to me this week...I was trying to explain it...I'd just be happy to be alive. Well...hell yeah I am....and I explained it to her. If someone had their leg cut off due to cancer would you say that? Would you not understand why they grieve for the loss? Our breasts were part of us...our sexuality, fed our children, a coming of age.
They're just breasts is probably the most hurtful thing someone could say.
Last night I met many ladies at "State of tbe Nation" who so openly shared their stories. The thing that struck me, the thing that brought tears last night ...at home...in the early hours...was remembering what we quietly discussed. She said...12 years on...it doesn't matter how long it is...I will always miss my breasts. And I realised...Yes...I will too.
Kath x
24 Replies
- Sigh, there are good days and bad days, good changes and some that aren't so great, scars that are physical, emotional and mental, fear, anger, tears and anguish. But, there is life, hope, wisdom, love and laughter too. Push on we must and push on we do.
- So inspirational to read these comments on a Sunday ladies - thank you. Looking forward is key! To add a little levity, I was chatting with some girlfriends the other day and they were talking about how long they expected to live. I said "At least 120". They looked at me aghast. My response "Well, I'll just keep changing bits for new bits, like the bionic woman, until then" :)
- @Afraser Yes thanks. It's all about acknowledging those feelings then moving forward which I have done...well still a work in progress.
- Making a new you doesn't even remotely sound easy. It isn't and you are brave and honest to share your feelings - clearly many others have experienced the same sense of loss. I can't advise about new boobs, I had no reconstruction and am happy about that. My body is fine, actually in better nick than before, apart from a bloody big scar, but I feel the same way about that as I do a few wrinkles - I've earned them. My hair changed on and on and on, then I realised that it just wasn't the same and changed my hairdo to suit. It used to be thick and strong (OK coarse!) and now it's still pretty thick but much finer. I had worn my hair much the same way for nearly 20 years, but my new style suits me better and I really like the colour I have finally landed at (much less grey). You will feel like a real you again, it just takes time to get there!! You think treatment is forever, then it's over, you wait for the resumption of normal service that doesn't come and you discover that you still have a ways to go. That saying I've seen often on this site applies - don't look back, you are not going that way. The old you was pretty spectacular, the new one will be outstanding! Take care, Alison.
- @iserbrown Yes exactly
- @primek I saw your post today and then found below what I wrote and must've put into drafts back in May, sorry I didn't respond at the time when you were hurting so much!
your reflection is only a fraction of who you are! You are still you! Grieving comes in all forms and there is no rule book on how to handle it! Acceptance helps with grief but it doesn't resolve it. I gather from your post you have accepted but every now and then that reflection in the mirror says, hey that's not how they used to look, what happened!
Your comment "...that this is it. I don't have breasts. I have memorials built as breasts..." Oh I can relate to that one! They are more about making me look normal when I am dressed without the deep connection that I had with them before the amputation.
Take care and reflect xx - Lol @adean Yep.
- Hi gorgeous kath 5 years on and l still get pissed especialy if someone makes a comment your not the same.dickheads. l get pissed because it wasnt my choice but it choose me why did it not visit someone else. I think its ok to be pissed because you know what we seem to push on again and get through.lol so push on ha ha. Love ya adean
- Beautiful ladies, its so good to read all your posts, they cover the myriad of thoughts lurking in my mind that I sense are still to surface.
Dealing with:
Diagnosis
Surgery
Chemo
No time yet for grief to surface
xxx - @primek Thank you for steering me here- again, all you ladies on here are just amazing and seem to know the right things to say. Thank goodness for this network - having a place where you know everyone understands is just truly amazing. Xx
