Accepting your New Self
I could have put this discussion in the breast reconstruction group but thought it was better in general discussion. I'm struggling at the monent. Yes My cancer was found at stage 1 and I had no nodes and clear scans. Yes I had a bilateral mastectomy due to dense breasts and family history, a decision which wasn't hard but certainly upset me knowing its impact on my intimacy and body image. Yes my Herceptin was stopped due to heart failure twice but I got halfway. Yes I had a good reconstruction, which still just needs the icing on tbe cake (nipples) sorted. Yes...I have every reason to believe I will be one of the 90% But by golly things are tough for me presently. I'm uncomfortable with my body without clothes. The reality has finally hit home after final changeover...that this is it. I don't have breasts. I have memorials built as breasts. But no sensation. No natural movement. This is it. It has taken me 15 months to really mourn my loss. During treatment I just got on with it. But suddenly it's now got really hard. It's a phase I guess. Grief is a funny thing and I just need to work through. And even though I'm grateful to have hair again ..it is nothing like my hair. Texture is the same but colour and curl are very different to who I was. I miss my hair. Somebody said to me this week...I was trying to explain it...I'd just be happy to be alive. Well...hell yeah I am....and I explained it to her. If someone had their leg cut off due to cancer would you say that? Would you not understand why they grieve for the loss? Our breasts were part of us...our sexuality, fed our children, a coming of age. They're just breasts is probably the most hurtful thing someone could say. Last night I met many ladies at "State of tbe Nation" who so openly shared their stories. The thing that struck me, the thing that brought tears last night ...at home...in the early hours...was remembering what we quietly discussed. She said...12 years on...it doesn't matter how long it is...I will always miss my breasts. And I realised...Yes...I will too. Kath x