it's been a long wait for 'my new normal'....3years since diagnosis, bilat, chemo, radiation, hysterectomy & arimadex. Short horrid fuzzy hair still, lymphaedema, chronic nerve pain & a host of 'bits & pieces' but grining and saying 'all good' as programmed as that is what everyone wants to hear! Not happy & no fun in my life just existing now, regretting everything as the results are simply too much to deal with. root cause is that I look & feel hideous and husband agrees, whcih explains why from day one there has been nothing but silence between us. should i just pack up my bags and leave my husband? leave my job and home and adult son and try to start again, having learnt my lessions - putup shutup and trust and rely on no-one? need some advice as things are sad and not looking like they will change.

So sorry you are feeling this way. We all have moments where everything gets on top of us and it's hard to see a way forward. If you have been feeling this way for a while though, I would think it is time to seek professional help from a counsellor. You need to let out your feelings not keep them shut up inside you. The best way to do this is with a counsellor. Sometimes you just need to talk about it with someone who can give you unbiased advice. Find someone soon, ring the Cancer Council or Lifeline for advice on what to do. I have had counseling it really does help. Deanne xo

Thanks Deanne, it's been a long three years, nothing has changed. we have just embarked on this along with couples counciling, not looking too promising so far as it's a hard area to address so we have been advised and outcomes are not always what we want or expect -(so expect divorce is more the outcome) it's not really a conflict...more a loss of trust & attractiveness, i really cannot help how I feel about my look & feel, nor how my husband feels about how I look or feel...it is what is is - .....i cannot express the regret I have for not choosing to live a happy short life instead of this drawn out, disappointing existence.....but todays Monday and tomorrow Tuesday and others are worse off...so be it. thanks anyway.

yes I'll do the talk therapy thing now ...as I've ran out of tacks to make this work....I'll face the humiliation & shame & chat about 'ubber' confidential and personal stuff...fuzzy feeling etc ....I just wish I'd get a positive vibe from the therapists on how this will work out ...otherwise the whole event has been leading to a lonely solitary life.....or putting up with more of the same (silence treatment - which is unbearable!) I know it's just another stage, just wish the whole thing would cresendo & end, rather than have to face the reality of living alone. ho hum...back to work a cup of tea and a silent cry....

sorry you asked what our relationship was BC....well that's the strangest thing ...it was fine....healthy, sexy, lustful, loving.......what did I do to deserve to be treated like this? Yes, my husband is probably depressed & I have asked him to seek profressional help on a number of occassions but really after 3 years???

I'm not sure whether you are in a position to discuss or get your husband to read some of these posts. I would like to give him a kick in the butt and tell him to work hard with you to accept what has happened and to feel blessed that although you may look different etc he is blessed that you are a survivor. I had a very unexpected marriage break up nearly 5 years ago. My husband of nearly 20 years asked me to stop the car one day driving home and proceeded to tell me our marriage was over as he felt nothing for me. We were 5 weeks away from our first family holiday overseas with our 3 beautiful children. What I am reading bought back to me those terrible feelings of numbness and disbelief when my whole world came crashing down. I lost my husband, my children's father and my best friend all at once. A month after we returned from our holiday he was living with a lady he got the train to work with. I had no idea he was having an affair. I had arranged for us to renew our wedding vows on our cruise. Two years after this I was diagnosed with breast cancer after having a dream to have a mammogram. I had multiple cancers in both breasts of 3 different cancer types and high node involvement. I had met through a friend a beautiful man but was still living my life as a single mum putting my children first as they too had lost their whole world. I had no choice but to have a bilateral masectomy. No time to discuss reconstruction etc. In October it will be two years since my masectomy and I still chose to wear no prosthesis even though I have them. I am lucky that I am completely comfortable with the new me.i have been with my beautiful partner Michael for four years. He accepts my body complete with his " booby pillows missing " We don't live together as we are both raising our children in our own homes. He has been there for me every step of the way. I wear a singlet in the bedroom if the lights are on but I am happy for him to see me in the shower, getting dressed etc. I believe he is proud of me and proud of my battle scars. He often says that scar is a reminder of your battle and your determination to win this battle. I have very fond memories of him cuddling me and telling me I was still beautiful to him without my boobs, with no hair, with a puffy arm and with drains in the bed with us. I would suggest to you that you seek counselling for yourself first. Your cancer journey and your issues with your husband have worn you down and I can see you are in a bad place. Consider taking anti depressants. I take 75mg of Effexor with gabapentin for ongoing nerve pain but I'm sure it helps my mood too You deserve to be feeling good about yourself and living your life to the fullest. I know there are often expectations of cancer survivors to be rejoicing and living their lives differently but its not always that way for everyone. We are often left with ongoing medical issues and low self esteem I'm hoping that by sharing my story with you you are able to see things really have to improve for you. You deserve better than you are getting and its time for you to put yourself first and work on you as an individual before you can save your marriage if that is what you want. Look after yourself Let us know where you live so someone local to you may be able to meet you for a coffee and talk That often makes a huge difference Mel xxx

pink sister advice | BCNA Online Network

11 Replies

mgndam1603
Member
13 years ago
I read your post and felt so much saddness for you, I know that doesn't help you but I feel your pain.

There is loads of advice for you from the ladies and it is all good, this site is so good for support, please stay with us.

Check your area and see if there is a support group that you can join and meet up with the ladies for a coffee and a chat, speaking to like minded people helps and maybe others have faced something similar but have not put it up on their blog.

I strongly advise that you see someone for yourself, I see a psychologist every 2nd week and have bonded very well with her. I have adjustment disorder (no kidding) no depression but I struggle with so many things happening in my life that are out of my control. Courtney (my doctor) is just wonderful, she has helped me identify triggers and how to manage them and what to do when I can't.

Anyway my best wishes and love are coming your way.

Donna
adean
Member
13 years ago
Hi I to read your blog with sadness too,maybe husband is scared shi-less and doesn't know how to react , are you scared to? This damn disease is one of the scariest things ever and sometimes people just can't deal with it. Reality is not everyone can make it better and just sometimes we have to try to gather everybit of strength to pull ourselves out of that bloody hole to live, hopefully you can get out and claim back some of the good and love yourself back you deserve it. Do whatever you need to as much as you can and at least youve given it a shot, whatever, Possibly you can salvage your relationship and if not maybe you can accept that to, hope us ladies input may have given you a bit of help. Regards adean
adean
Member
13 years ago
Hi I to read your blog with sadness too,maybe husband is scared shi-less and doesn't know how to react , are you scared to? This damn disease is one of the scariest things ever and sometimes people just can't deal with it. Reality is not everyone can make it better and just sometimes we have to try to gather everybit of strength to pull ourselves out of that bloody hole to live, hopefully you can get out and claim back some of the good and love yourself back you deserve it. Do whatever you need to as much as you can and at least youve given it a shot, whatever, Possibly you can salvage your relationship and if not maybe you can accept that to, hope us ladies input may have given you a bit of help. Regards adean
adean
Member
13 years ago
Hi I to read your blog with sadness too,maybe husband is scared shi-less and doesn't know how to react , are you scared to? This damn disease is one of the scariest things ever and sometimes people just can't deal with it. Reality is not everyone can make it better and just sometimes we have to try to gather everybit of strength to pull ourselves out of that bloody hole to live, hopefully you can get out and claim back some of the good and love yourself back you deserve it. Do whatever you need to as much as you can and at least youve given it a shot, whatever, Possibly you can salvage your relationship and if not maybe you can accept that to, hope us ladies input may have given you a bit of help. Regards adean
Melg
Member
13 years ago
That's the spirit honey I remember oh so well the numbness and feelings when my marriage ended. Maybe that was why I was so much more able to cope when bc came along I couldn't imagine the pain etc associated with reconstruction. I know I'm lucky to be truly happy in my own skin and I honestly don't miss my boobs at all. Lucky for me I've never shed a year for them. Maybe its because it all happens so fast. I laugh sometimes at the children I work with. I'm a preschool teacher in a room of 30 3 to 5 year olds who are all fascinated with body parts. They sneak a look down my shirt and say oh where have your boobies gone or show me what's there. I say nothing's there and they say oh yeah your boonies were sick so the doctor cut them off. Such a simple way of looking at it I was 42 when I lost my boobs and my kids were 23, 19 and 15 A very close friend came to visit me after my masectomy in hospital. She told her 4 year old my boobies were sick and there was no medicine to make them better so the doctor had to cut them off. He sat quietly for a minute then looked at his mum and said " oh no, how is Mel going to feed her babies ?" We laughed and laughed Feel free to send a private message if you ever need to Mel xxx
longwait
Member
13 years ago
really appreciate you sharing your story Mel....it does show that things could be different as long as I see it though more pain first....I didn't mean to make anyone sad...i'm just beside myself ....for whatever reason (no-one is able to give me one) my hair has grown only two inches in 3 years!! it's fuzzy and horrid - it's like a series of unfortunate events! I laugh at myself and cry at myself all the time - I'm still wearing the stupid wig! I have contemplated breast reconstruction, besides costly, I just cannot image the pain as I too have chronic nerve pain & if I need to support myself more going forward, not sure if I can affort the cost & time off work...ho-hum, life is cruel. I'll move forward but i'm annoyed with myself for putting up with less than I deserve also, part of having very low self esteem I guess....i may show hubby these comments but somehow I think he'd just shrug and walk away - man of no words now! Lets' hope couples therapy slaps him round & wakes him up!
Melg
Member
13 years ago
I'm not sure whether you are in a position to discuss or get your husband to read some of these posts. I would like to give him a kick in the butt and tell him to work hard with you to accept what has happened and to feel blessed that although you may look different etc he is blessed that you are a survivor. I had a very unexpected marriage break up nearly 5 years ago. My husband of nearly 20 years asked me to stop the car one day driving home and proceeded to tell me our marriage was over as he felt nothing for me. We were 5 weeks away from our first family holiday overseas with our 3 beautiful children. What I am reading bought back to me those terrible feelings of numbness and disbelief when my whole world came crashing down. I lost my husband, my children's father and my best friend all at once. A month after we returned from our holiday he was living with a lady he got the train to work with. I had no idea he was having an affair. I had arranged for us to renew our wedding vows on our cruise. Two years after this I was diagnosed with breast cancer after having a dream to have a mammogram. I had multiple cancers in both breasts of 3 different cancer types and high node involvement. I had met through a friend a beautiful man but was still living my life as a single mum putting my children first as they too had lost their whole world. I had no choice but to have a bilateral masectomy. No time to discuss reconstruction etc. In October it will be two years since my masectomy and I still chose to wear no prosthesis even though I have them. I am lucky that I am completely comfortable with the new me.i have been with my beautiful partner Michael for four years. He accepts my body complete with his " booby pillows missing " We don't live together as we are both raising our children in our own homes. He has been there for me every step of the way. I wear a singlet in the bedroom if the lights are on but I am happy for him to see me in the shower, getting dressed etc. I believe he is proud of me and proud of my battle scars. He often says that scar is a reminder of your battle and your determination to win this battle. I have very fond memories of him cuddling me and telling me I was still beautiful to him without my boobs, with no hair, with a puffy arm and with drains in the bed with us. I would suggest to you that you seek counselling for yourself first. Your cancer journey and your issues with your husband have worn you down and I can see you are in a bad place. Consider taking anti depressants. I take 75mg of Effexor with gabapentin for ongoing nerve pain but I'm sure it helps my mood too You deserve to be feeling good about yourself and living your life to the fullest. I know there are often expectations of cancer survivors to be rejoicing and living their lives differently but its not always that way for everyone. We are often left with ongoing medical issues and low self esteem I'm hoping that by sharing my story with you you are able to see things really have to improve for you. You deserve better than you are getting and its time for you to put yourself first and work on you as an individual before you can save your marriage if that is what you want. Look after yourself Let us know where you live so someone local to you may be able to meet you for a coffee and talk That often makes a huge difference Mel xxx
longwait
Member
13 years ago
sorry you asked what our relationship was BC....well that's the strangest thing ...it was fine....healthy, sexy, lustful, loving.......what did I do to deserve to be treated like this? Yes, my husband is probably depressed & I have asked him to seek profressional help on a number of occassions but really after 3 years???
longwait
Member
13 years ago
yes I'll do the talk therapy thing now ...as I've ran out of tacks to make this work....I'll face the humiliation & shame & chat about 'ubber' confidential and personal stuff...fuzzy feeling etc ....I just wish I'd get a positive vibe from the therapists on how this will work out ...otherwise the whole event has been leading to a lonely solitary life.....or putting up with more of the same (silence treatment - which is unbearable!) I know it's just another stage, just wish the whole thing would cresendo & end, rather than have to face the reality of living alone. ho hum...back to work a cup of tea and a silent cry....
longwait
Member
13 years ago
Thanks Deanne, it's been a long three years, nothing has changed. we have just embarked on this along with couples counciling, not looking too promising so far as it's a hard area to address so we have been advised and outcomes are not always what we want or expect -(so expect divorce is more the outcome) it's not really a conflict...more a loss of trust & attractiveness, i really cannot help how I feel about my look & feel, nor how my husband feels about how I look or feel...it is what is is - .....i cannot express the regret I have for not choosing to live a happy short life instead of this drawn out, disappointing existence.....but todays Monday and tomorrow Tuesday and others are worse off...so be it. thanks anyway.