Finished chemo but.....

I was at a BCNA forum last week and one of the speakers discussed the whole dilemma of 'finishing' treatment. It really struck a chord with me. I feel like I've been holding my breath and walking a tightrope, now I'm off the other end all I want to do is take a deep breath and yell. 
I drove 720 km today and stopped for a couple of very therapeutic screaming sessions in isolated places. My raw throat has been attributed to 'a bit of a cold' which is, apparently, a more acceptable than explaining I was bellowing at nothing to let off steam.  Humph. Marg

Yep retreat and regroup.  You might need more days like it. We all do. X

@Lillian67 I think that's the one of the hardest things about it all, is other peoples expectations and perceptions. You should be allowed to vent and get things off your chest, but sadly most people just don't get it. It used to frustrate me and I realized that they expected you to be strong...that's not real...and if they were walking your path right now they wouldnt be either not all the time. I say be true to you... I sure as hell found myself through it all and made no apologies to anyone. For me Chemo was the depths of hell, and same, I used to get people say the most ridiculous things, like you look so well, gee you're managing so well!! Ohhh and youre so positive...funny thing is, that has ZERO to do with it..so I say to you JUST BE YOU and don't apologize to anyone. The other thing that may be helpful is talking with someone? Not sure if youve tried counseling or a Psychologist, but it really helps. The Forum has been great too because we all get it, and we are never silenced in any way, we get to say exactly how we feel and that's so important. Hang in there...it will get better. xx Melinda xo

Thank you all :)
I was really angry on Friday. Angry I have cancer, angry that I have very little control over my life, angry because I feel like my MIL is taking over my house and kids (even though all she is doing is trying to help), angry I don't even get asked what help I want, angry that everyone keeps saying I'm going to beat cancer just because I'm so positive, angry because I'm sick of being positive. And then I got really pissed off because I finally have a bad day, and I wasn't allowed to. I wasn't allowed to feel down and angry and scared. And I really needed to feel that and let it out so it didn't eat at me and do I didn't direct it at anyone either.
I guess I'm just so fatigued at the moment. Gave myself the day in bed and just rested :)

Hey @Lillian67, I'm glad for you that you've been able to talk somewhat with your hubby, and no wonder you're feeling a bit let down with the response you've received. I know being scared can be an excuse but bloody hell tell him to pull his head out of his rear end and give you some very necessary tenderness and a big hug!! Sheeeeeeeeesh!!!!!! If he is having problems tell him to talk to his mates and then give him a list of things he can do to help you (he probably is feeling pretty useless) make sure you put down that you need an abundance of pampering, spoiling and being totally looked after and having a crap day at work simply doesn't compare in any way, shape or form. You will get through this with flying colours. Perhaps talk to your hubby about having a couple of days break at an Otis foundation property and the two if you can plan that together? Sending you a huge hug, and a virtual bag of cement for your precious. Xx Cath

@Lillian67 I think this cancer journey is hard. If we had obvious physical scars or walked with a limp or had an arm in plaster maybe some people may twig something is wrong. The most useless response I have come across is I dont know what to say or do and then my sister in law promptly ignored me.
Your husband sounds totally frustrated with the situation. Not that he doesnt care but at wits end to make it better.He cant make it better no one can. In time things will be better. 
Its a whole new episode in your life. best wishes

It's okay not to just be strong for others. Have a day where you stsy in your PJs if you want, cry a lot and eat...well something that you might still enjoy on chemo. I did that. I also pulled myself up and went out and put on the brave face for others. Night time is often the worse when the fear creeps in. My husband did counselling when I was having trreatment. He really struggked in supporting me other than saying you just gotta think positive....ffs...it makes no difference and it feels dismissive of my feelibgs. But we got through and now life has gone on...hopefully cancer free. Wishing you well for surgery. I was relieved to have my cancer removed.  Kath x

@Lillian67 I think his response is like some men but not all, in that just doesn't know how to deal with it, what to say or do. Men generally like to fix things, when they can't they get frustrated and uptight not knowing what to do. I think you said it yourself, you're tired of being strong....ABSOLUTELY!!! its hard work! I did this through my first diagnosis as I was a single parent and had to be for my kids, my 2nd diagnosis in 2015 my kids saw me in the depths of hell in moments...every facet of chemo there was,I was so very ill. I hated it!!! But you know what?? I showed them that yes Mum is incredibly strong...but she's also vulnerable, and so damn real and honest and so I think it showed them all facets rather than just one level of how you have to be. So I say, this is your time, put you first above everyone! THEY ALL think chemo ends you're perfect!!! NO IDEA!! I copped this from family and friends, most friends I never heard from after that because they dont know how to deal with it. I learnt that I had nurture me from now on, because this was about me.

In Feb I had a single mastectomy/diep flap reconstruction and I was petrified 12 months leading into it, I didnt cope emotionally at all, so I contacted a Psych I had 3 years prior. 1 session and it calmed me and I settled, I had the surgery and I never looked back, I dont' feel emotional at all strangely. My surgery was hard 8hrs, massive recovery but I feel amazing!! and so happy with the result. 1 more revision to finish the boob, top it up with some more belly/hip fat, pop a nipple on and lift my right breast, for me this is the icing at the end of my 6yrs journey. We always fear what we don't know...so keep talking. Lillian I have a wonderful partner in many ways, but he's direct and to the point, so I learnt to go to close friends for the comfort that I wanted. It's a bit like I think we expect 1 person to fulfill all the roles,its taken me a lifetime to realise that we get bits and pieces from a whole lot of different people. Hang in there. Melinda xo

Yep. Turns out the only way my husband can say 'Im stressed too' is by being an arse. We talked it out but still feeling pretty let down that it was his initial response.
Thank you so much for your words. It does put me at some ease to know the surgery isn't so scary. My lump started just under my nipple too and covered almost half my breast so chemo first to allow surgery. My onc and surgeon are awesome and I do feel like I'm in good hands with them.
I've been on TAC. 6 rounds over 18 weeks. it was aggressive treatment and I handled it well - I guess too well because people seem to be just brushing it aside now. Downside to being positive I suppose. Everyone is all - you can beat this you have such a great attitude, you got it!
I just want to scream. My positive attitude is for my kids because I have to. It's for me to get through the day.
I'll give my BC nurse a call on Tuesday. I can't seem to meet up with the local support, they meet at night and I have 2 little kids. Plus they meet in a pub most often and I need support not a pub dinner :(
I did connect with the Cancer Council, but again we have had trouble with timing.
I'll get there :) just a shitty day yesterday, where I just needed a hug and I got a reaction I didn't expect. Maybe he needs to talk to someone more than me, he just seems to be burying his head in the sand of this is all too much so I'm just going to be angry.

Hi @Lillian67, there isn't much I can add to what the ladies have already said but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you feel you are going through this unsupported.  Don't be strong for others, you don't have to be. This is life altering and you need to put yourself first. Many men aren't able to cope with illness and react poorly. I hope this is the case with your husband and he eventually wakes up! Has he read the booklet for partners? Please know you are not alone, we all understand what you are going through and are always here for you. Sending a hug, Jane xx