I hate this

@Elmumof2 it's me again I deleted the second half of my comment so will continue on.
When I had my mastectomy I too was like Nikid . The nurse had left me to shower and when I looked at myself in the mirror and could only see one breast and bandages across where my left one had been i cried buckets of tears for so many things , the anger and sadness I felt that cancer had changed my life and how I would never be emotionally free again.
4 years later I am waiting on my reconstruction life is good . I definitely still have my moments and nights where sleep eludes me as you can see I am on this forum at 2.27am.
I wear a mask (figure of speech) on my tough days and I try to stay positive and away from negative people and thoughts.
I think if you just live in the moment and go one day at a time and not look too far ahead you will realize slowly you will get stronger. This sounds hard when you are going through so much right now. Your children will be your strength. The ladies on this site are amazing so If you are feeling down just hop on. They all understand .
Hope things will get better.
Thinking of you .
Di xxx 

@Elmumof2 it sounds like you are going through a tough time and understandably.
When the doctor confirmed I had breast cancer I thought my whole world had colllapsed. I was at work and had a message to call my doctor about the results of my breast biopsy. I just asked her do I have cancer and she did not want to tell me over the phone but I needed to know. I closed my office door and just howled. I had lost my sister who is 12 months older than me and all I could think off how was I going to tell my mum and dad and my family and children that I had cancer too. I cried and cried and drove home that afternoon along the beach and gathered myself before I faced my husband and children aged 21 and 23. . 
My emotions were all over the place. I was angry and thought why me hasn't my family been through enough watching my sister suffer. Then all of a sudden the fight kicked in and I thought you are not going to win this battle this time.,I will fight you all the way and I won. Yahoo !! A winner

Elmumof2 - I think you have every right to want to scream!! We all get it and have been there. It's not easy not any level and I admit every time Ive been in hospital I don't have visitors apart from immediate family. After a recurrence, I became quite intolerant, people mean well but really...it was my time I wasnt up to talking to anyone. I was in far too much pain, I dont mind it now 6 weeks post and am doing better for people to come, but really apart from here...they don't get it. I also found too if you werent all 'UP' and positive theyd come down on you...Don't need it. Of course you want your kids and to pick them up! I'm sorry to hear of your Partner too, that is really tough!!! When I was in Chemo, my partner donated a kidney to his daughter, but that was different,but we were still quite a pair. 

The best thing you could do honestly, is cry and scream and don't apologize to anyone for how you feel. All the positivity and support in the world doesn't change how you feel when youre in that moment. Only way is to let it be...no judgement here at all!! Just keep talking to anyone you feel that helps... You really are doing so well inspite of all the circumstances, and I think we forget to give ourselves credit sometimes of how hard things can get that we dont have to be strong or perfect. Just be YOU!!! Hoping things settle down for you.

Big hugs Melinda xo

It's perfectly normal to be angry, frustrated, frightened and lost about your future. These are bloody scary times, and you need to have a good cry.... my breast care nurse wore lots of my tears and told me it was best to let it all out. This keeping strong for others sucks. You have a right to feel as you do. Do you have a best friend you could debrief with. I have a screaming place that I go to where I am alone and nobody is around to hear me. I yell and scream and cry and rid myself of my shit on my own, and it helps to let it all out. You have the extra stresses of your husbands illness and missing your little ones as well.
Feeling for you, and sending you a huge gentle cuddle, Trace xx

When I got out of hospital, after about a week I went for a walk along the beach to get rid of the rage (since they had just told me I needed another op.) It took 5km for me to settle down and stop screaming at the world. Trouble is, then it was 5kms back to home. Fortunately my big son found me and we had a wonderful healing talk on the way home. It was truly worth it.

Screaming in the car is good. Though it's best if you wait until you are in there on your own...I won't let anyone visit me in hospital anymore. This has upset a few people, but it's not about them.

Learning to deal with the well meaning is one of the hardest lessons cancer has for you. I see a shrink periodically when I find I am falling off the edge, it helps. It also helps to tell people you hate it and you don't want to talk about it. If they get the shits or become all horrified, they aren't the people you need around you at the moment.

The mastectomy thing is horrible and it's difficult to imagine there will ever be any sort of normal again. I think of recovery a bit like cleaning up after a wild party--you are in the middle of all this mess, most of which you didn't  make and you are now responsible for  a sorting it out and getting rid of a heap of garbage.

Figuring out where to start is daunting, then you get a bit of a plan, then you get a couple of clear surfaces... I'm usually guilty of going at it too hard and wanting everything fixed too quickly. I generally make a few monumental cock ups, but I was like that before BC so it really is situation normal.

Find way that you can cuddle your kids without everyone yelping, things will follow from there. Marg

ELmumof2....Your ill your partner is ill .You should be happy? HUH  You are lucky to have support but what is happening to you and your family is  incredibly unfair..
 Of course you feel alone. How many of your friends and familyare going through what you have to do. You have landed in another world. It will get better but this is not a fun place to be. Your children will love you no matter what. 
Whats there to like? The only thing truly positive is the treatment your getting will allow you to be with your family for many many many many years to come.  lots ol love

You are doing so well El! Ask your breastcare nurse for a Zonta pillow (or two, seeing as you have bi-lateral); a V shaped pillow from K Matt is also good for sleeping (you'll be on your back for a while).

Be kind to yourself - it's a shit...but it is what it is....and you will get through this, your kids are the beacons.

Nikki xxx

Thanks ladies .I will look into getting a comfort pillow and I'm sure every day I'll feel better .When my kids visit me it kills me how I can't just pick them up and cuddle them tightly as I always have .I was breastfeeding both till few weeks ago .Cancer has taken stuff like this away from me it's so unfair.People comment how good my breasts look , but I loved my breasts I didn't want these ones that feel like bricks and look so freaking weird not even having a nipple .I feel so lonely although lots of friends visit  .It's the 4th day post op  and definitely the worst one .I am not going to let this get to me I will keep fighting , tomorrow is a new day .Lots of hugs to all you lovely friends thanks for letting me be me xxx