Wondering if this will ever be over

Melinda are you okay? This post has stirred a lot of emotions in you. Take a deep breath pat yourself on the legs and bring yourself into now.  Easy does it perhaps put the kettle on and reflect a little on where you have been in this long journey and as you slurp your hot drink start to put thoughts into enjoying that cuppa and maybe humming a happy tune. This is about you and what you feel is best for you. 
Take care sending you a virtual hug xx

@SuzyG I totally agree with you, and Ive realized there is no wrong or right in this decision, we all feel very differently. On my last chemo treatment I had my kids with me then I saw the Oncologist and we were so relieved it was the end!! To have him say now go have a rest get over chemo and think about a Mastectomy left me gutted. I couldnt get my head around it after everything Id been through and I was fine. It was because of the recurrence, he even said to me that I was different to most patients he'd seen!!! Im like what???? he said most in my position want it gone..ummm well Im not everyone and Ive struggled with the decision all this time, now Im scheduled and petrified of the surgery, going backwards when Ive come so far...but mostly??? petrified because I'll never know if I made the right decision, but the only thing I have to cling to for me is this is the last thing for me I can possibly do, I guess thats what gets me over the line. So dont ever do what you dont want!! Its all about YOU, nobody else! Sending a big Hug, because Ive actually burst into tears...knowing how damn hard it is. Melinda xo

Hi Suzy, I'm glad you feel better now that you have settled on a decision - none of this is easy and we can only go with what is right for each of us. Sending you a big hug and hope that all works out well for you xx

Yes it is a massive decision.  I feel for you after 4 years being clear.  I honestly feel so much better about it now having made the decision.  As I said to the oncologist I struggled with the hair loss with chemo and still do every time I look in a mirror and having people stare at me because I have a headscarf on but at least I knew the hair would eventually come back but I am not going to grow another breast and the surgeon told me that a reconstruction later is a big operation.  So after two lumpectomies they wanted to do surgery number 3 with number 4 in 12 months time.  I just couldn't live with it and lets face it I could get run over by a bus tomorrow.  

Suzy its a massive decision, and I know exactly how you feel, you just cannot make that decision unless you are ready for it. I fought it for a year now post chemo and Im completely fine and healthy...but as I had a recurrence at 4yr mark, they recommend mastectomy, honestly?? Im still struggling over it but I also know I can't gamble again, I feel like I cannot win so I guess Im doing what I feel is my only option. But its soooo hard!!! My pre med appointment is Monday for feb surgery and I can be honest and say Im still overwhelmed with it, scared really. Hugs xo do whats right for you at each step, you'll know if and when you need to alter your decisions. x

Ok have seen to oncologist and discussed how strongly I feel about the mastectomy and have made the decision to not have it done.  Will continue on to radiation and hormone treatment and see what happens.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me.

Hi Suzy, it sounds as though you are feeling really overwhelmed with it all right now and I can totally understand that. You do get fed up with constancy of it all and the ever-shifting goalposts. I had a mastectomy in 2012 after clear margins couldn't be achieved with the lumpectomy, and like you there were other tumours picked up after that surgery (2 invasive lobular & 1 invasive ductal) despite previous ultrasounds etc which didn't show the extent of it. That was a tough time to get my head around as I was petrified it had also moved to other parts of my body. Thankfully the full body CT scans I had after surgery didn't show anything other than the 1 lymph node. I also then had chemo, Herceptin (for 12 months) and radiation therapy and am now on hormone therapy.

I did have reconstruction in 2014, so lived with 2yrs with just one breast. I had a tissue transfer / flap procedure called a DIEP reconstruction where they move tummy skin, fat and blood vessels to the chest to make a new breast. This type of procedure is often recommended for women who have had radiotherapy as sometimes (but not always) radiation can compromise the outcome of an implant reconstruction, but it really depends on the extent of the radiation and quality of your skin etc. In many cases a Tissue Expander can be placed at the time of mastectomy and following radiation your surgeon/s will see how well your skin has recovered and discuss whether an implant is still possible or what other options are available. You might want to join the Choosing Breast Reconstruction group on here to connect with others that have had radiation and reconstruction, or check out the information on the Reclaim Your Curves website, which has a section specifically on this topic. 

I'm now heading towards 5years since my diagnosis and I have to say that things do get better, you do (eventually) adapt - although I know I fought my "new normal" for a very long time - and the reconstruction, for me, was the turning point in my recovery and healing. I am glad you have reached out, please stay in touch and if you have a chance, it might be worth trying to head along to a support group where you can meet others who understand. Jane xx

Hi Suzy please let us know how you are from time to time. It's a very personal journey. We all carry the same diagnosis Breast Cancer but we are unique in our treatment plans. I quickly accepted my diagnosis and then I was only interested in ok what next. My surgeon made me feel confident from the start and I haven't looked back and I haven't cried and he sent me to a couple of Oncologists; one being medical and the other being gynaecology.  It is what it is for me! Yes I struggle with side effects but once I am aware that is part and parcel of it I settle into it. I know I can come on this forum and moan and groan and be reassured by others have the same vent. I still have 23 weeks before active treatment is complete and only 8 years and 3 month of tamoxifen! 
It does get better 
Sending you a virtual hug. Take care 

Not sure about expanded Iserbrown will ask. Have already done chemo Cate64 which was supposedly shrinking the tumours now doesn't look like it worked too well. That's part of it too I am sick of people staring at me because I wear a head scarf (hair hasn't grown back yet after chemo) but got through it as I knew it would grow back. Not going to grow another breast though. Also so I don't have kids am happily married and just hate putting my husband through all this as well. 

Hi @SuzyG,
I had a mastectomy before chemo and radiation back in 2013. I also asked about immediate reconstruction but was told that I had to get on with treatment ASAP. Honestly at that time I just wanted to get onto treating the cancer so I had the mastectomy with a view to having reconstruction later.

I am a C cup and found that I adapted to life with one breast amazingly well. I lead a very active and full life. I swim, exercise and travel without it being a problem in the slightest. After I got through treatment and started tamoxifen I decided to just leave it be. I know that I can have reconstruction if I ever wish to at any point but am happy with my life at this point.

It has not stopped me from doing anything including trekking in Nepal last year and again in a couple of months time. I was 47 when I had the mastectomy. That was almost 4 years ago and I still feel happy with my choice.

But we are all different and the important thing is to understand all your choices, have doctors who understand your concerns and then make your choice based on the very best info about your unique situation. I know that I always have the option of reconstruction and I have learned that things can change, so that helps me to feel ok. Whatever your situation you deserve and need to feel ok about it. Like the others have suggested, keep asking questions. I know many women on here have had expanders put in at the time of surgery and still had radiation. There are all sorts of possibilities. Hope that you can find an option you are comfortable with. Take care. Deanne xxx
PS if you have any questions about the practical side of living with one breast just ask.