Wondering if this will ever be over

Thankyou @Share, so far I'm feeling ok post my dosetaxol and I didn't have any reactions yet. I think it's just all hitting me and I don't seem to have any control of when it will. I suppose it's like a grieving process. I'm just really scared too that after all this it may still come back which terrifies me! But I know plenty have gone through this and done really well so I know I could, I just don't want to! As I'm sure none of us do. Thanks for your support xo

Suzy am thinking of you, I know after doing this myself 5.5yrs since initial diagnosis and Mammos u/sounds yearly for 4yrs prior, Im over it too. So you did chemo before surgery? its so hard when they dont get clear margins and you have to go back. I havent experienced that either diagnosis. I think too post chemo you really just need a break, my last day of Chemo I was hammered out of the blue with HEY!!!! I think you should consider mastectomy now as it was a recurrence. Ummm after 6 months earlier my Surgeon swore it wasnt needed due to the fact it was a major lumpectomy, Im big breasted and in my case it was equivalent and no benefit. NOW of course they say preventative. All I can say is this in all these years. Dont do anything that doesnt sit right in your gut!! I have alot of faith in my Team and so am guided by their opinions, In my situation, a double mastectomy would be overkill and unnecessary, but it took for BRCA Gene testing and a report from the Geneticists to substaniate the theory of a negative result. Having my left breast removed soon is purely preventative, like so many women. I cant guarantee it will come back, or it won't. And I totally agree with you that where does it end?? so I believe in just dealing with what I have at hand in this moment. Do what I have to do and then refocus back into just living as best I can without the whole thing dominating my life. Step at a time, big hugs for tomorrow, just wanted to say you are not alone in how you feel. Its a very personal and individual journey of no right or wrongs.  xo Melinda 

Best wishes for tomorrow SuzyG. Big hugs. Xx Cath

Thanks for the kind words all.  I actually postponed the surgery and am now having it on Monday (tomorrow) after a lot of talking and asking questions.  Then on to radiation treatment and then the hormones.  It just feels like they don't always tell you everything but I guess there is so much to know - it has all been a steep learning curve.  The frightening part now is that I don't know if it will come back and if so where.  I just know that I want to start living my life again and not going from one doctors appointment to another or one surgery to another.  Bakdom so glad that your second surgery was a success.  Will keep you all posted next week on what happens.

I have to admit also that i had 4yrs on tamoxifen with zero side effects or anything that was really noticeable. Now 1yr on Arimidex and i have joint pain but i guess i just do the best i can. I haven't worried so much about the hormone treatment as for me not a major deal i think in my mind yes ultimately be great to be off it but i accept how i am and work on how to minimise my pain. I guess i prefer this as a protection and peace of mind. Hugs Melinda xo

So sorry for what you are going through.  You are concerned about hormone treatment and possible side effects.  I wanted to possibly reassure you.  I have been in tamoxifen for six months and the side effects are not huge.  I get some mild hot flushes, that's the main one.  They aren't a huge problem.  I also was quite grumpy and quick to anger but that seems to have passed.  Whether it was the tamoxifen or just life I don't know.  

Yes eventually your unpleasant but necessary  treatment will end and then you can recover and life goes on.  Wishing you the very best.  Karen 

Hi Suzy G, thank you for expressing this, I can really identify with what you said. I have also been feeling a bit sorry for myself. My family are all going on our annual holiday on Monday but we can't go because of my bc. I also have had 3x fec and start 3x dosetaxol on Monday and for some reason I'm really scared. I have a large tumour in my left breast so need mastectomy but want double mastectomy but the oncologist said even having a double mastectomy won't reduce the chance of it coming back. I am absolutely terrified of it coming back! I have been really teary lately, maybe it's all hitting me? I am also having the hormone therapy (letrozole and zoladex) as part of a trial so maybe that's making me emotional? Anyway, I hope your surgery went well and it's onward and upward from here. Sending you a virtual hug, Kate x

SuzyG hope all went well with your second surgery. Thankfully my second op was successful but recently met with my oncologist and being premenopausal the hormonal treatment(s) are very daunting, the long list of side effects make me want to run and hide

@SuzyG I really feel for you, its hard to find peace of a little piece of happiness when you're in the midst of surgery or treatment and hard not to look ahead at what is going to come yet. I finished Chemo mid December last year and honestly I feel a hell of a lot better in many ways just 1yr on...yes I still have a mastectomy pending in the New Year but then Im done! I find when I start thinking and getting overwhelmed I just try to say its OK, I feel crappy! annoyed, angry and downright upset over the whole damn thing!!! I had horrific days through treatment and honestly, I never thought I'd look back now and go How On earth did I get through it all. One step at a time, and remember the beauty of all that you are. Im spending Christmas Eve alone as Ive done the past few years and its....well quietly tough...so today I thought, well Im going to focus on me and do little things that make me happy tomorrow. Its not a full fix for those moments when you hate this journey and wishing your full life back, but I guess I hang onto these little glimpses. I hope you have a lovely Christmas, and maybe some YOU time to just be...contented, sad whatever it may be and find something that nurtures you. Big Hugs Melinda xo