Life after treatment

So sorry you are not supported emotionally as you need to be.  Lots of good advice from the ladies above.  

My suggestions are a bit sneaky perhaps.  Maybe apply for a few jobs you don't have a chance of getting so your husband thinks you are trying.  As one other lady pointed out, there aren't lots of jobs out there.

 Also maybe draw up a roster of housework, shopping, cooking, which requires your husband to participate in these joyful activities and point out this will be needed once you are back at work.  Suggest strongly everyone starts practicing this roster now.  Point out that you will otherwise need a house cleaner.  Women who work outside the home simply don't have the time or energy to do as much housework etc as they did when they were home.   This may dull his enthusiasm for you going out to work.

No one knows what they would do if they got cancer, until it happens to them.  If your oncologist said you needed chemotherapy, you needed it and did the right thing having it.  It's a brave person who rejects chemotherapy when an oncologist says you need it.  So it sounds like your husband isn't thinking straight on this.  Maybe this shows he is simply thinking illogically and very emotionally.  Which doesn't help you much but at least explains it.  There is no need to justify your treatment to anyone, you followed doctors orders.  They are very bright people who have studied long and hard on how to treat cancer.  They might still get it wrong, but they stand less chance than those of us without their training and knowledge.

It may be he is burnt out from the stress of your illness and treatment.  My own husband who has been a wonderful support, got very tired by the end of my treatment and even now, a year later, has not really bounced back.  Over time, as you slowly recover, let's hope so does he.

I have found that pushing myself hard and willing myself to be 100% doesn't work and sends me to bed with extreme tiredness for days.  It's only by doing things I enjoy and taking it slow with plenty of rest, that I make any progress.  

Very best wishes Karen 

@EarthWalkerLisha Everything you describe is sadly the case for so many! I love my family, but they were quite ignorant when it came to finishing chemo and what I was capable of. My Dad couldnt understand why I wasnt back at work full time..ummm I've been back at work only 3 days a week for 19 months post chemo and only just starting to manage that. I think when this comes from your partner/husband, is extremely disappointing and hurtful. My ex had the same opinion but you would expect that yes? he was shitty because I wouldnt let him help, so was spiteful and made things very hard looking after my teenage kids and doing chemo, it was hell!  My partner however, who we'd only been together 7 months at my 2nd diagnosis and when he was with me, was beautiful. But I have to say, he's from the Cook Islands so has a very hard approach to life which is great most the time but hard when I needed some comforting. Men are strange creatures at the best of times, alot of men don't know how to deal with it full stop. I found communication to be everything otherwise my Partner wouldnt understand the complexity of it all. He is still by my side nearly 3 years later, whilst he says it how it is, is very supportive. 

So I have seen it alot with women what you are saying, sometimes there is a disconnection because you have enough to deal with in terms of treatment and kids etc., I can say to you, you will improve, this is not necessarily the new normal. I thought it was, and I couldnt believe how bad I was. My Surgeon said which is different to the Oncologist that it takes a few years. That's why Im on income protection for 2yrs, finishes in January, but its allowed me a 3 day week. 

I wish you all the best, sounds like it would do him good to hear the complexities of after chemo maybe just the two of you alone, to give him a bigger picture of it all. 

Hugs Melinda xo

So true! They almost make you feel like a fake as after all you look good - Wearing my favourite colour and earrings to boost my inner self, minor details I guess!  Humans they are so thoughtless!   I am fortunate that my hubby knows me and loves me and will occasionally say it's in your face I can see you're hurting today and he'll step up and do the dishes or put the kettle on (a hot cuppa does wonders).  As to family they only see me occasionally so they are a little like others have said; I hide the hurt and they don't even think to ask if treatment is complete et cetera but I still love them and they love me so that is all that counts. 

Gawd. I was treated to a bit of a 'pep talk' while out to lunch with some friends the other day. One of these individuals felt it was about time I 'got back on the horse' and got over the whole thing. This is six weeks after eight months of surgery, surgery, chemo and rads with more surgery to come. Surely I can work more than two days a week, I'll feel so much better after I get back to normal. After all, I look so well.

Now, I appreciate that this was meant to be helpful and all, but I felt like driving my fork through the back of her hand.

I looked up the other conditions you are battling. How the heck you are supposed to be bright sunny and gay is beyond me.
Looking after children and keeping a household running is a job.  Can you see a counsellor  or talk to your gp. There are mental health plans available that reduce the cost. 

Dear Lisha.
Sorry you are suffering and feeling unsupported. Thinking of you. X

I understand a bit where you are coming from - my family seem to see me as some sort of superwoman and have difficulty seeing I need support. .Probably my fault at least partially - am trying to talk to them about where I am at - am disappointed with their response thus far but am keeping on trying.Its not just the physical side effects it's also the psychological esp now the surgery and radiotherapy is done - it's the road ahead and not just side effects of hormone therapy.

I think you have nailed it when you say your husband switches off. Some people aren't blessed with a lot of empathy. He doesn't get it and to a certain extent, he can't get it.  Saying what you would have done if it was you (and it isn't and it wasn't) is pretty indicative. Hard as it is, you (once again) may have to help him with his problem (when you might reasonably expect at least a little sympathy with yours). He may feel he has been holding up the ship. Possibly that he's being taken for granted. He wants the world back the way it was (or the way he would prefer it). A third party (professional) may be very useful, but getting him to go may be tricky. Outline what help will be needed in the home if you do go to work. Indicate what needs to happen healthwise before you can take on anything else. Would a new focus/training/voluntary work as a start to something else actually help your depression?  Anything to stop the general whinging and get him to concentrate on the reality! Best of luck.

Earthwalker, sorry your not receiving the support you need from hubby. Just depression and anxiety alone are debilitating, I'm a long term sufferer myself. Counseling sounds like a good idea. I imagine being a stay at home mum definitely isn't a bloodge.

Dear Lisha, I know what you mean. There's an assumption that we should get over it and move on by people who don't understand how debilitating the side effects can be. The fatigue, anxiety and other symptoms often continue. 

 I spoke to a counsellor at the Cancer Council who mapped out where I was at and then wrote down my concerns. This helped me to focus on one thing at a time and to practise self-compassion which is my new buzz word. She also told me to take up a hobby to get my mind off things. Could you go to see a counsellor as a couple so that he could understand your situation a bit more? 

It will get better. It just takes time and some understanding from the people we love. I remember describing myself as broken and invisible at the one year mark. I did the Wellbeing After Cancer program run by the Cancer Council and this helped me to overcome these feelings. Take care x