Cold Cap Experience

Goodness, I've obviously let off some steam that's been building.  Sorry, guys!

That last part is a good summary @sister. People always tell me I'm amazing but you're right, I don't feel amazing, I just get on and do it.

My relationship with my sister remains difficult but I hope we're making baby steps. My mother is a different case. It's not all bad but at 83 she has tipped into querelous old womanhood with huge side servings of passive aggressiveness, self-pity and a reduction in her ability to filter. Much of which I understand is normal at round about her age. I am striving to be patient but not always succeeding...

Now re counselling I want to say that it goes against my grain too. I'm from the school of putting my head down and just getting on with things. But the 'things' in my life have become overwhelming, so reluctantly, I have dipped my toe into talk therapy with a psychologist who specialises in breast cancer. I've only had two sessions so far, and am proceeding cautiously, but it's OK I think. I think you have to find a therapist you know you can work with, the chemistry has to be right. Can you ask a medico who knows you to recommend someone? I got to my woman via my Breast Care Nurse. Let me know how you go if you do. Hang in there.

My Mum was one of your "tough old chickys" @Zoffiel - the strongest woman I have ever met.  My best friend described her as having the softest heart with a backbone of steel (she also had eyes and ears out for anyone who needed help).  18 years and I still find myself wanting to pick up the phone.

@kmakm I was having the wine a lot, too (which my husband is convinced was integral to the cancer, and probably didn't help) but I can remember thinking many times with the stress that, if anything was going to give me breast cancer, that would be it and I what was I going to do about it. I do wonder how many of us there are that have succumbed after a prolonged period of stress.  Internet research seems to show the jury's out about it but one of my GPs said that it's definitely considered a factor.  And like you, I found out about the cancer because I was making appointments to get things checked.  And I too have decided that I have to find some way to cope after this.  I love to walk but when life is normal, I never seem to have the time when I have the energy.  I spend more time at work or in a car.  Living in the sticks isn't as back to nature as it seems.  I had more time when we were living in the burbs for awhile, and that's another stressor.

I've actually been laying in bed thinking that it might be time for me to access some counselling.  The problem is, as much as I advocate it for others, I'm not very good at actually talking to psych people - I tend to close down. 

I hope you've resolved matters with your Mum and younger sister.  Or, at least, dealt with them.  And remember, you must be an amazing woman - you've taken in 2 traumatised children, an elderly in-law, had to overhaul your house and life to do so, while grieving.  I know you do what you have to, but the fact is you did it.  And, I don't know what it's like at yours but somehow, the minefield of emotions is always ours to deal with.   

@sister I'm pretty convinced stress was a factor in my BC too. The year my sister died was high stress from start to finish. Apart from the devastating event itself, there was tremendous pressure being applied to me by family members to be present. So difficult when I was responsible for looking after my own family. When I was driving between the two houses, 45 mins apart, I could feel the stress thrumming through my body. I sometimes had to pull the car over because I could feel my heart pumping so hard and had pain radiating down my left arm.

And then we embarked on a year long renovation to accommodate the three extra people (and an extra dog), where we had to stay in the house as there wasn't the money to move out.

And then my niece and nephew moved in. Traumatised, deeply sad and troubled, I have worked SO hard to try and provide a steady, calm healing space. All the time receiving criticism from my mother and youngest sister. Trying to integrate an 8, 11, and 84 yo into a previously nuclear unit is incredibly hard. I had to be so mindful of everyone's grief. And I drank a LOT of wine...

The reno finished, and I set about finally putting some time aside for #projectme! Had a week interstate with a bestie, lost 5kgs, had a pap smear, allergy testing, lung function test, mole check, mammogram...

And then the stress was back. When treatment is done I will have to find a way to neutralise the stress. I have NO idea how apart from exercise. Can't be the wine again...

Your reaction to being jealous of the time your mum and sister had is purely human, and one of love.

@sister there is nothing wrong about wishing your Mum was there to help you. Miserable Bandicoots need all the support they can get. Mxx

@kmakm I know your counsellor would have told you that you're still grieving but sometimes with everything else it is hard to remember to let yourself do it.  And I remember when I was diagnosed, the first thing my GP said to me was that it didn't matter what survival statistics and evidence I was given, losing my sister to this was always going to be the reality for me.  I'm almost fully convinced that 4 years of stress brought this bitch of a thing on so I'm trying to let go of crap as much as possible - not sure I'm ever going to be completely successful.  My Mum had a saying that we used to tease her about...when she was unhappy, she was "as miserable as a bandicoot'.  I can tell you that there have been some real miseries of bandicoots around here the last couple of months.  And my worst secret...my older sister was diagnosed at 32 and died at 45; my Mum died almost a year later to the day (anniversaries around my first chemo date) - I find myself jealous sometimes of my sister for having Mum to turn to during those years.  How sick is that?

Oh @onemargie those are such kind sweet words. Thank you.

Accepting help was the first lesson I was schooled in with this illness. Raised to be fiercely self-reliant and independent, it goes against every fibre of my being! But from my diagnosis onwards every medico I met urged me to accept help. I also have an old friend, who's been through a trauma of a different kind, who put the hard word on me to accept help. So I do. It makes me very uncomfortable but I do. I am currently well supported.

My father-in-law is OK-ish for now but a recent decline is noticeable. I shall be in touch for advice if/when the time comes. Thank you.

Pleased to say I am quite happy with my appearance bald! Haven't quite had @Zoffiel's guts yet and marched about hatless. But did drive the car hatless today for the first time! Later at the supermarket a couple of adults really stared at me. It was most uncomfortable.

@sister this shitstorm is five years long now, I'd like it to stop...

Chemo 3 tomorrow (first one with no cold cap). Filled with dread, and the nightly cloud of misery is descending. Dexamethasone on board so sleep will be elusive. Wish me luck ladies. And good luck to all of you.

Hi there @kmakm I know this was supposed to be about the cold caps experience but I’m so pleased you’ve opened up to us on here. As @Sister says life can certainly be a shit storm and it sounds like it’s been raining not only from the sky but also through the walls at your place too. I hope you use the resources available to you for your dad and your family. I’m sure you’ve researched what’s available for your dad but I work as a nurse In a gp clinic and do have info on support that your dad can get that could help you including respite options. And I’m sure your local breast cancer support group, bc nurse, or social worker,  or the cancer council could help you also with support. Let me know If you need any help and I’m happy to advise you if I can. Just PM me about it if you like. Please also take any help offered by other family or friends too if they offer its because they want to help so take that for granted if you can. I bet you look awesome bald I have a big potato head so not such a good look for me at the time lol. Hubby used to call me Spud. Lol.  And I agree with @Zoffiel it really is amazing how resilient you can be when you need to be. You’re doing a bloody good job love. But don’t forget to outsource the support though if you need it. Margie xxx

@kmakm no wonder you feel like you are running on empty! It never ceases to amaze me, the level of resilience some people have, you sound like you are doing a fantastic job under very trying circumstances. It is just not bloody fair, but what can you do but keep plodding.

A large G&T is a perfect accompaniment to head shaving. I got to the stage last year of marching around town totally bald when I was staying with my partner who lives 100 km away. I wasn't going to meet anyone I knew, so stuff it. Quite liberating really.

@Mollygirl, I know what you mean! I've kept mine super short(#4 and #6 clippers) because I can't stand the sight of it when it gets any longer. Grey frizz. Apparently it suits me, which is just as well because I can't bear the thought of growing it out. One good thing, the clipper cut only costs $15 :)

@kmakm Sometimes the heavens open up and just rain a shitstorm, don't they?  I'm sure you're on top of it, but just in case you're not (and I know you've got so much energy to sort everything out), have you looked into what care your father-in-law might be entitled to (I also don't know how active he is)?  My in-laws are entitled to quite a bit under different schemes and, although your situation is different, I would assume that you could make a claim as being an invalid carer (not that I know an awful lot about this stuff but might be worth trying to find out).  This may mean that you can get services to help out.  It might not be much but, hell..I'd give over the cooking and cleaning to someone else any day of the week!