Angry and anxious

Cook65

Hi everyone

Thanks for starting this group. Hopefully we will be able to support one another through the hard times.

I was diagnosed in April, had a lumpectomy and am almost finished chemo with just one more round to go. Chemo has been dreadful. I've had 3 hospital admissions due to side effects. They ended up taking me off carboplatin entirely as it made me so sick.

I have just had an initial appointment with a psychologist. Her initial assessment showed that I am suffering severe stress, severe depression and one point off severe anxiety. I was already on anti depressants prior to my bc diagnosis. The depression is manifesting itself in anger. Boy am I angry! Angry at my body letting me down yet again (I have suffered a chronic illness for the last 7 years), angry at my family for their lack of support, angry at some of my friends who are no where to be seen, angry at people who have the gaul to whinge to me about inane stuff or they have a cold or the like, angry,angry, angry! It takes me all of my self control not to scream at people or push their faces in. I am still managing to work part time as we can't afford for me not to.

I feel as though my whole life is consumed with cancer. Between appointments, feeling dreadful from treatments and moving forwards to the next stage of treatments, it seems never ending. And then when you do have time to stop and think, the fears creep in. Fear of the future, fear of it coming back, fear of the next treatment etc.

Look, it's not all bad and there have been some ok times. I try really hard to focus on those. But some days the darkness takes over and is just so hard to shake and be positive. Everyone says that I'm an inspiration so clearly I am managing to put on a brave front. I'm just not too sure how real that is. What choice do we have though? We have family's, jobs, people rely on us. We don't have the luxury of curling up in the foetal position saying we don't want to play anymore. The world doesn't stop just because we feel like crap.

Sorry about this post. It really is quite negative but it's nice to be able to verbalise how I'm feeling knowing that others understand and won't think worse of me for actually letting it out.

Karen

FranP

Hi, I hope things are improving for you, chemo is the pits and I can sympathise with you. 7 years on and I am here to send my strength. I have always had bi-polar 2 and the cancer sent me loopy and no end to the tears, but it does get better. All my love and thoughts go out to you. Fran

KathleenT

Hi Karen

I can relate to all you've expressed. I had a lumpectomy, then mastectomy, chemo etc. I do know how you feel. Since my first diagnosis in 2010, I have certainly experienced different levels of "support". I have 2 younger sisters, & the one who is closest to me in age is the one from whom I receive the most support. She even wanted to come and care for me when I was first diagnosed. (I live in Vic, the rest of my family are in SA). I was certainly angry, & wanted to go through it all by myself. I had no idea that the supportive sister felt "pushed away". We have since sorted that, however I very rarely hear from the youngest sister. She says we are "estranged" - her choice of words! Lots of other teadons, not just my cancer for her having this attitude.

I find myself being angry a lot. Being firm and just short of bitchy to shop people, service providers.... I really have to get out of that habit.

The best support I am really grateful for is my involvement with a support group-the Northern Breast Cancer Support Group, for whom I am secretary, & this site. I am making loads of new friends on this site. We can whinge, vent, be angry, ask questions, share and make friends. Its just the best forum.

Hang in there with your treatment. I found that sucking fruit tingles helped a lot with the nausea. Also, if you've been given the My Journey kit, use the appointments and especially the journal. It's really helpful to write down how you're feeling, & interesting and encouraging to look back on.
Thinking of you. Take it easy
love & hugs
Kathleen xxxxxxooooooo

Deanne

I think each and every one of us can relate to the feelings of anxiety, depression and anger. Particularly when I was on chemo I found the drugs and steriods really messed with my mind, mood and feelings. 'What helps you when you are down or depressed' is a post put on the network by a wonderful lady 'Mich' who has helped so many of us on here. It is full of ideas from other ladies who have battled to feel better. You can find it if you type depression into the search bar.

You are right when you say that it helps just to vent your feelings on here where you know that others really do understand. Hope you feel better soon. Take care. Deanne xxx

Cook65

Thanks ladies for the support. I think part of the problem with other people is that my bulls@$t meter is at an all time low. I have no tolerance for it at all. I'm so hoping that things will get easier after chemo. It really has been a rough 5 months.

I have also had a number of "friends" tell me with my other illness, well at least you don't have cancer! Well guess what, now I do and they still are nowhere to be seen. I guess it is true that you find out who your true friends are at times like these.

Kathleen I can so relate to the being short with people to the point of being a bitch. I do it at work too. I'm an office manager and seem to be the go to person when people want a whinge. One staff member in particular is very high maintenance and sometimes I want to tell her to put things into perspective but a bit more emphatically than that!

Deanne, I will go and have a look at mich's post. I feel as though I need all the help I can get at the moment to get me back on track. Hoping the increase in my meds will kick in soon and I will be able to settle a little.

Thanks again

Karen xoxo

Cook65

I've just read mitch's post and all of the responses. I was writing down on fb all the things that I was grateful for. I've just realised that I have stopped doing this. I need to start doing this again.

I was also having relaxing baths but now that I'm working more that has also gone by the wayside. I think I need to make more time for myself. Just some time to be kind to me.

I feel better having read all of the posts. Thanks so much

Xoxox

Onga

Hi Karen, one benefit I have found throughout this journey is that now I feel I don't have to tolerate people that aren't helpful. Family members that don't help, don't need to have any time spent on them, it is a waste of your time. I don't care that they turn around and say it is the cancer that has changed me, because it is!! I now know that I need to look after myself at the moment. Yes you are allowed to vent - some times a problem shared is a problem halved and you feel so much better after. Be kind to yourself. You have been through sh*t, this is your time.
Pam

Onga

Hi Karen, one benefit I have found throughout this journey is that now I feel I don't have to tolerate people that aren't helpful. Family members that don't help, don't need to have any time spent on them, it is a waste of your time. I don't care that they turn around and say it is the cancer that has changed me, because it is!! I now know that I need to look after myself at the moment. Yes you are allowed to vent - some times a problem shared is a problem halved and you feel so much better after. Be kind to yourself. You have been through sh*t, this is your time.
Pam

rowdy

Hi this is the best place to vent as we all suffer the same crap at some time during this trip. I had a bad week last week and had a vent and felt much better because people  here understand. As people have told me be kind to yourself, and if people dont understand that you are different it is their problem. Take carexx

Anita.geary

I have been lucky in that many true friends have stepped up more than I ever knew possible and support from them is amazing. I find that it is family that I get angry at, one of my brothers has totally avoided me and his wife whom i previously considered my sister has not made a single attempt to contact me at all! I do not understand this and feel total anger and hurt that they have done this. Then there is my husband, I love him I really do but now that surgery is done (for now until I go back for a mastectomy) and I look 'normal' at least for another 2 weeks till my hair falls out, he seems to have gone back to pre diagnosis times in regard to his contributions to daily tasks and looking after our 3 and 7 year olds. I get really angry at him, how dare he ignore what is happening to me, how dare he expect me to be able to do as much as I used to even though I'm exhausted and in pain, he gets a lot of my anger lol and unfortunately with less energy my kids get a much shorter tempered mother. This I think I feel the worst about. There are so many things we battle with, I think the fact we get up each day can sometimes deserve a major prize! Don't give yourself a hard time, look on the bright side, you haven't actually pushed anyone's faves in yet! Lol

Sandybeach

After managing to delete the first half of this post this is the quick version. How are you Cook65 or Karen. I hope that you are beginning to feel a little better. Keep on posting and let us know how you are going.This web site and group has been a life line for me over the past few weeks. Basically my story is that I have depression, Parkinson's disease and whatever anesthetic or pain meds that I was given when I had my partial mastectomy sent me into a major Panic attack. I've had them before but this one was a "doozy" Besides the lack of care that I had in hospital, I wasn't sleeping for anymore than a couple of hours a night for weeks afterwards and was shaking like a leaf, besides the loneliness feelings etc. People kept saying it's normal to be anxious when you've been diagnosed with BC. They didn't
know the half of it. Sometimes although all the specialists we see are trying to do the best for us Its like performing the high school lab experiments in the brain. So please know that you are not alone and that people in this group understand. I'm still waiting for the date of my big op so it's hard not to be nervous, but I've done the rounds of the 5 specialists that I am currently consulting so hopefully they are all on the same page this time.I found a great GP who prescribed Valium to get past the panic attacks and they are great to help me sleep but I hate the fuzziness during it day. It's OK at home because when I walk down the passage I can bounce sideways from wall to wall (that's my Parky joke) but it's a pest when I have to go shopping and walk in a straight line as well as try to remember what the dickens I came to get.My long suffering husband drives me where I need to go and tries to help me remember the meds that I take every 2 hours through the day. I know what you mean about having to be strong whilst being terrified. You are stronger than anyone will ever know.
Ive cried buckets but that is grieving for loss and you are allowed to do that. Seek all the help you can from your psychologist and if necessary search out a psychiatrist who can better understand drug interactions. I've got mine on notice this time. The Beyond Blue 24/7 hour telephone service is fantastic when you feel the need to talk to someone. Heart hugs Sandra

KathleenT

Dear Sandra
Wow! You have been through a plethora or stuff! I will re-evaluate my intolerance to some parts of aanesthetic now! All I had was a face that swelled, making my eyes almost invisible, & a queer rash ov my upper torso. The bullshit meter resonates with me too.Fine for me & I can just yell at myself, or the poor cat ( who still shows unconditional love!). But then easy for me as I'm on my own. Wanted to go through it all on my own. But have supportive son and one sister. My two younger sisters are chalk & cheese. One contacts me daily to see how I am, the other totally ignores me, choosing to lable our situation as "estrangement! Her word...she clearly denies my cancer. Not to worry...girl in the lovely support group I'm in reminds me of the serenity prayer. Cant change things that have been constant...

In the early days I was so determibed to do everything alone that I unknowingly pushed the supportive sister away. Felt awful about it as time went on. We're fine now and closer than ever.

Love and hugs to you - keep posting & we will keep posting and supporting.

Love from
Kathleen xxxooo

Sandybeach

I can totally relate to your sibling situation Kathleen and truly feel for you. My own sister & I are 8 years apart in age and our personalities are chalk and cheese but it disappoints me that after ringing her to tell her to be extra vigilant herself now that I've been diagnosed with BC and mum having passed so quickly after her diagnosis, I have had no further contact from her. Not even a "how are you message." My brother is the same (12 years younger than me), he found out from my sister because he isn't presently communicating with me so it's my fault again. How pathetic some families can be. I've chosen to put them out of my mind and meet new people like yourself that have a heart. Heart hugs Sandra

Cook65

Seriously I don't get it? At what point in life do you stop and say enough is enough and some things are more important in life! You don't have to be best buddies just because you are related but surely there is some genuine concern, for their own well being if nothing else! That makes me really sad. I understand that not all families are perfect, god knows that I had an extremely difficult and destructive relationship with my mother, but when the chips were down we were there for one another. Family is not always blood related though. Surround yourselves with people who love you for who you are. This process we are all enduring is just too hard to do alone. Even if the ones who support you are from this forum. Be kind to yourselves. Xoxoxo

Sandybeach

Love it! Good problem solving. I asked my neighbour about meals on wheels the other day. She volunteers for them in their kitchen. I think it might be a real possibility for us, even if it's only 3 days a week. My hubby learned to cook chops and vegetables but it might make for some variety. My hubby is 70 years old and by tea time he doesn't feel like thinking food. My op is about all he can handle right now. So we'll both get fed and it will be one less thing for him to worry about.
Sandra xxxxxx

Sandybeach

Thanks! I'd be lost without all you lovely ladies. When this is all over I'd love to meet you face to face and give you a big thank you hug. Cheers Sandra