Forum Discussion

Cook65's avatar
Cook65
Member
11 years ago

Angry and anxious

Hi everyone Thanks for starting this group. Hopefully we will be able to support one another through the hard times. I was diagnosed in April, had a lumpectomy and am almost finished chemo with just one more round to go. Chemo has been dreadful. I've had 3 hospital admissions due to side effects. They ended up taking me off carboplatin entirely as it made me so sick. I have just had an initial appointment with a psychologist. Her initial assessment showed that I am suffering severe stress, severe depression and one point off severe anxiety. I was already on anti depressants prior to my bc diagnosis. The depression is manifesting itself in anger. Boy am I angry! Angry at my body letting me down yet again (I have suffered a chronic illness for the last 7 years), angry at my family for their lack of support, angry at some of my friends who are no where to be seen, angry at people who have the gaul to whinge to me about inane stuff or they have a cold or the like, angry,angry, angry! It takes me all of my self control not to scream at people or push their faces in. I am still managing to work part time as we can't afford for me not to. I feel as though my whole life is consumed with cancer. Between appointments, feeling dreadful from treatments and moving forwards to the next stage of treatments, it seems never ending. And then when you do have time to stop and think, the fears creep in. Fear of the future, fear of it coming back, fear of the next treatment etc. Look, it's not all bad and there have been some ok times. I try really hard to focus on those. But some days the darkness takes over and is just so hard to shake and be positive. Everyone says that I'm an inspiration so clearly I am managing to put on a brave front. I'm just not too sure how real that is. What choice do we have though? We have family's, jobs, people rely on us. We don't have the luxury of curling up in the foetal position saying we don't want to play anymore. The world doesn't stop just because we feel like crap. Sorry about this post. It really is quite negative but it's nice to be able to verbalise how I'm feeling knowing that others understand and won't think worse of me for actually letting it out. Karen

16 Replies

Show More
  • Onga's avatar
    Onga
    Member
    11 years ago
    Hi Karen, one benefit I have found throughout this journey is that now I feel I don't have to tolerate people that aren't helpful. Family members that don't help, don't need to have any time spent on them, it is a waste of your time. I don't care that they turn around and say it is the cancer that has changed me, because it is!! I now know that I need to look after myself at the moment. Yes you are allowed to vent - some times a problem shared is a problem halved and you feel so much better after. Be kind to yourself. You have been through sh*t, this is your time. Pam
  • Cook65's avatar
    Cook65
    Member
    11 years ago
    I've just read mitch's post and all of the responses. I was writing down on fb all the things that I was grateful for. I've just realised that I have stopped doing this. I need to start doing this again. I was also having relaxing baths but now that I'm working more that has also gone by the wayside. I think I need to make more time for myself. Just some time to be kind to me. I feel better having read all of the posts. Thanks so much Xoxox
  • Cook65's avatar
    Cook65
    Member
    11 years ago
    Thanks ladies for the support. I think part of the problem with other people is that my bulls@$t meter is at an all time low. I have no tolerance for it at all. I'm so hoping that things will get easier after chemo. It really has been a rough 5 months. I have also had a number of "friends" tell me with my other illness, well at least you don't have cancer! Well guess what, now I do and they still are nowhere to be seen. I guess it is true that you find out who your true friends are at times like these. Kathleen I can so relate to the being short with people to the point of being a bitch. I do it at work too. I'm an office manager and seem to be the go to person when people want a whinge. One staff member in particular is very high maintenance and sometimes I want to tell her to put things into perspective but a bit more emphatically than that! Deanne, I will go and have a look at mich's post. I feel as though I need all the help I can get at the moment to get me back on track. Hoping the increase in my meds will kick in soon and I will be able to settle a little. Thanks again Karen xoxo
  • Deanne's avatar
    Deanne
    Member
    11 years ago
    I think each and every one of us can relate to the feelings of anxiety, depression and anger. Particularly when I was on chemo I found the drugs and steriods really messed with my mind, mood and feelings. 'What helps you when you are down or depressed' is a post put on the network by a wonderful lady 'Mich' who has helped so many of us on here. It is full of ideas from other ladies who have battled to feel better. You can find it if you type depression into the search bar. You are right when you say that it helps just to vent your feelings on here where you know that others really do understand. Hope you feel better soon. Take care. Deanne xxx
  • KathleenT's avatar
    KathleenT
    Member
    11 years ago
    Hi Karen I can relate to all you've expressed. I had a lumpectomy, then mastectomy, chemo etc. I do know how you feel. Since my first diagnosis in 2010, I have certainly experienced different levels of "support". I have 2 younger sisters, & the one who is closest to me in age is the one from whom I receive the most support. She even wanted to come and care for me when I was first diagnosed. (I live in Vic, the rest of my family are in SA). I was certainly angry, & wanted to go through it all by myself. I had no idea that the supportive sister felt "pushed away". We have since sorted that, however I very rarely hear from the youngest sister. She says we are "estranged" - her choice of words! Lots of other teadons, not just my cancer for her having this attitude. I find myself being angry a lot. Being firm and just short of bitchy to shop people, service providers.... I really have to get out of that habit. The best support I am really grateful for is my involvement with a support group-the Northern Breast Cancer Support Group, for whom I am secretary, & this site. I am making loads of new friends on this site. We can whinge, vent, be angry, ask questions, share and make friends. Its just the best forum. Hang in there with your treatment. I found that sucking fruit tingles helped a lot with the nausea. Also, if you've been given the My Journey kit, use the appointments and especially the journal. It's really helpful to write down how you're feeling, & interesting and encouraging to look back on. Thinking of you. Take it easy love & hugs Kathleen xxxxxxooooooo
  • FranP's avatar
    FranP
    Member
    11 years ago

    Hi, I hope things are improving for you, chemo is the pits and I can sympathise with you. 7 years on and I am here to send my strength. I have always had bi-polar 2 and the cancer sent me loopy and no end to the tears, but it does get better. All my love and thoughts go out to you. Fran