Drowning in anxiety and fear
Hi everyone.
This is is my first blog ever and one that I am both keen to write in the hope of gaining some support and release from the emotional pain but that I am also fearful of writing as it makes my diagnosis real. I was diagnosed yesterday with breast cancer. At this stage they are unsure if it is in my lymph nodes also. I have an appointment with the surgeon to have my 3cm lump removed along with the lymph nodes on my left side.
after this I know nothing, just that there will be more waiting for results until I find out if this cancer is curable. At least that is how I feel. I have avoided 'googling' anything as every waking second of my days since finding the lump, 7 days now, have been consumed by shaking, crying, disbelief, wanting to crawl into a hole till it's all done or until someone tells me they made a mistake.
ive had anxiety and depression before but this is inescapable. It cycles around and around but only changes it's intensity never really going away. I can't function. I've tried distracting myself but that I have found is useless. I've tried pouring myself into my 3 and 7 year old boys lives and being present with them. But this only lasts 10 min or so before my fears take over again. My husband is doing his best but I just can't get hopeful. I fear that the surgeon is going to tell me he couldn't get it, that I will have ongoing anxiety just waiting for the next lot of tests to see if it has shrunk or if it is killing me.
My diagnosis came one year to the day of the death of my close friend from secondary cancer. she stayed cancer free for only 2 years. How am I supposed to be hopeful when even if this goes well I still might get sick again? What if it's already gone too far? These are the thoughts consuming me.
I have always thought if myself as a strong woman but I cannot find one ounce of strength right now. I need hope, please someone help me find hope, help me get out of this emotional jail I am cowering in the corner of.
I know there are good news stories. I know success rates are high But I feel like i won't be one of those people. Something in the way each of the doctors and ultrasound scan people have spoken to me. No one has said I caught it early, no one has said I will just need surgery, my gp could only say "we have found it now" when I asked her for some positive feedback.
How am I supposed to find hope in that?
Comments
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Welcome to the online network,an amazing place,where you will find advice and support.One year ago last Tuesday,I also was diagnosed with cancer.My husband was overseas at the time,and my daughter moved a mattress into my room,on the floor,so each time she heard me crying during the night,she would turn on the light and hug me.I was pretty much convinced that my days were numbered,and it wasn't until I joined this blog,and started to read and communicate with other ladies,that I realised that I was going to be OK.Now try to hear what I am going to say:) Most ladies diagnosed with BC go on to lead long,healthy lives.In the beginning,when we are waiting for test results,we always read something into what the doctors say,or don't say,or the'look on the face' of the person doing the ultrasound.I used to think that they knew something terrible for sure!!!!!BC these days is SO treatable.Even if you need chemo,or radiotherapy,or whatever,you will be OK.:) Stay on this blog,as much as you need to.No question is silly,and every one on here will help you through this.I am sure that over the next couple of days ,you will find that ladies who were terrified like you,will come on here and offer support.The beginning of this journey,when you really don't know much,is always the worst.Once you have some results,and a plan of treatment,I guarantee you will start to feel more in control.YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Big hug to you.xxxxRobyn0
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Welcome to the online network,an amazing place,where you will find advice and support.One year ago last Tuesday,I also was diagnosed with cancer.My husband was overseas at the time,and my daughter moved a mattress into my room,on the floor,so each time she heard me crying during the night,she would turn on the light and hug me.I was pretty much convinced that my days were numbered,and it wasn't until I joined this blog,and started to read and communicate with other ladies,that I realised that I was going to be OK.Now try to hear what I am going to say:) Most ladies diagnosed with BC go on to lead long,healthy lives.In the beginning,when we are waiting for test results,we always read something into what the doctors say,or don't say,or the'look on the face' of the person doing the ultrasound.I used to think that they knew something terrible for sure!!!!!BC these days is SO treatable.Even if you need chemo,or radiotherapy,or whatever,you will be OK.:) Stay on this blog,as much as you need to.No question is silly,and every one on here will help you through this.I am sure that over the next couple of days ,you will find that ladies who were terrified like you,will come on here and offer support.The beginning of this journey,when you really don't know much,is always the worst.Once you have some results,and a plan of treatment,I guarantee you will start to feel more in control.YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Big hug to you.xxxxRobyn0
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I am so sorry to hear you have been diagnosed and are in such distress. So sad you have lost your friend to cancer, but this does not mean you will lose the fight. Most of us will go on to lead perfectly happy lives.It has only been 12 weeks since my diagnosis and your writing of how you feel brings it all back to me. The size of my tumour was also 3 cms. I had lymph node involvement and will need 6mths chemo and 9 mths IV and 5 yrs tamoxifen.It is so overwhelming to hear the news and I remember thinking that I will never feel anything but anxiety and fear again. But here I am post lymph nodes biopsy and mastectomy, at the airport on my way to my 3rd of 8 rounds of chemo knowing that I will beat this. Yes it is a big job and the journey can be rocky, but it is doable.
I know it is all consuming in the beginning and it takes some time to get over the initial shock. The waiting is the worst part. I was hoping someone would put their arm around me and would say it is all just a bad dream or they would give me a guarantee it would all be fixed like a bad cold.
Stay in touch with us on your journey and lean on us at any time.
Take slow deep breaths, take one step at a time and things will soon become clearer. You too will come to terms with it and remember that this illness is treatable.
I hope the fog clears for you soon.
xx Silke0 -
Welcome to the best place you will find for support and understanding. We all know the terror fog after diagnosis and understand what you are going through. As Robyn says, these days bc is very treatable, but it is important to take baby steps - just manage one thing at a time, one day at a time. My lump was 3.5 cm, and here I am over 2 years later feeling healthy and well again. You can do this. One thing will flow into another, so keep a good notebook with you at all times - your life is going to get very busy with appointments from now. There are so many posts here with tips for treatment, and there is always someone here 24/7 if you need to chat or just unload. We are here for you. To settle down and switch your brain off, meditation tapes can be enormous help, as you are focussing on something else. Have you sent for your My Journey kit yet? It is very comforting to have all that advice and knowledge on hand. Take a deep breath, and a few more. You really can do this. Sending you a big hug. Michelle xx
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Thank you silky and Robyn. Although your words bring more tears to my eyes they somehow are less fearful tears. I am still petrified but feel that I have already met 2 women who are somehow able to help me through this.
I thank you both from the bottom of my heart And I wish you both long, happy and successful lives. Hopefully we can stay in touch Throughout our journeys.
Anita xo
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Thank you silky and Robyn. Although your words bring more tears to my eyes they somehow are less fearful tears. I am still petrified but feel that I have already met 2 women who are somehow able to help me through this.
I thank you both from the bottom of my heart And I wish you both long, happy and successful lives. Hopefully we can stay in touch Throughout our journeys.
Anita xo
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Thanks Michelle. I haven't sent off for my kit. To be honest somehow that scares me too. I am still trying to convince myself that the surgeon can cut it out and that will be the end of it! I know it's not going to happen but I am not ready to let go of the dream yet. what do you find most helpful in the kit?
anita
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Anita,send off for your kit! It has tips in it on everything,and also explains about the different types of breast cancer.When I was diagnosed I just thought that there was ' breast cancer' and not different types!The kit also explains about the different types,places to go for advice,phone numbers that you may or may not need,and so on.When I got my kit,I could only read it sitting in the sun,and I could never read it at night!!!I understand what you mean about being scared to order it,but don't be.It also has a diary and a journal,and I think that you will find it very helpful.Take carexxxRobyn0
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Thank you MsD I would love to be able to contact you. I'm new to this though, how do I go about contacting someone outside if 'blogs'?
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Hi Anita, I'm not sure to be honest, however I think the best thing would be via email. If you give me your email address I will contact you that way and we can go from there. Then just delete the post with your email on it. If you don't feel comfortable with that let me know and we will try to work something out. xxxx
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If u go to the right hand side of this page and click on your messages,then when your messages come up just click on 'send message',and this way you can send a private message to someone else on the blog.hope this helps
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Thanks so much Robyn, I have done that and sent a message to Anita. xx
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I am truly overwhelmed by the support I have received from you all today. It takes my breath away that there are people willing to support others in such a selfless way. Thank you all very much. Today has been made a lot easier because if you and I am sure that in the coming days, weeks and months I will reach out again. Monday is my next hurdle, appointment with the surgeon. Fingers crossed.
Anita xo
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Dear Anita, my heart aches for you knowing the pain you are going through. I am a anxiety/ panic disorder sufferer and getting the cancer diagnosis sent me into an absolute world of torment. I lost my stepfather to cancer when I was 15, he was gone in weeks from diagnosis. So to me cancer was a very terrifying thing that meant death. I have learnt through this ordeal that it doesn't mean that at all.
I to was to scared to order the "my journey kit" I didn't want to know, I didn't want it to be real. I joined my local support group and they ordered it for me. At the start it was a bit daunting reading it and not much went in as I was in such a fog.
I was diagnosed almost a year ago. Which I can't believe as it has gone so quick. My cancer was 5cm and everyone seemed quite concerned. I wasn't really told much but till they do further tests there wasn't really a lot they could say. My GP was not helpful and actually added to my anxiety. I now listen to my surgeon and oncologist as they specialise in this field.
I really struggled to be around my children who are 15, 13 and 8 as I would start crying thinking that I could be prematurely taken away from them and the guilt I felt for having to put them through this. I spent a lot of time sleeping and hated to be left alone as my head would go nuts with all the what ifs.
Once I saw my surgeon and we started getting a plan for how we were going to attack this, I started to calm. The not doing anything and not knowing what is going on is really tough. As your puzzle starts to be worked out and pieces start getting put in place and you know the plan, you will find a strength from deep within you and you will just do it.
You have two beautiful children and you will do what you need to, to the best of your ability to get through this. Don't be to hard on yourself you have just been given a horrible shock.
I'm happy to chat whenever.
Sending strength and calming thoughts.
Nerida.
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Thanks nerinda,
i hope your journey has taken you to a better place emotionally now, anxiety really is debilitating. I will keep you in my thoughts and welcome the offer to contact you when in need of support as I hope you will me. Although I'm not to sure how helpful I can be just yet! Lol
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