Forum Discussion
Family are not being respectful of my wishes
Dear all,
I have invasive BC. I had surgery in May and I am currently having chemo. When I was diagnosed after much thought I decided to only tell my immediate family and a few very close friends. I choose carefully and selected people who i thought would support me.
When I told people i had BC I expressly advised each of them that I did not want to have my breast cancer known to anyone else. I wanted my privacy. I wanted time to deal with my emotions.
Well my parents (in their 80s and in good health) have told distant relatives. I find out because I was messaged and called on the phone. Shock to say the least and totally unprepared.
I was a annoyed with my parents but explained again I wanted my BC private. Again my parents have kept broadcasting my health to others including random retirement village people in their retirement village. I then hear a message from a male cousin i only ever see at funerals that they know of my condition. Of course it was a nice message but hey I won't hear or see them until another family funeral.
I challenge my mother and she says I told her to tell all relatives, a complete and utter lie. She says i must have forgotten but my husband knows I was very clear.
Our relationship has deteriorated. They just don't respect my wishes. In fact they tell me I am overreacting and there is nothing wrong with telling people. They now suggest i am 'not well'. They are gaslighting here.
What do I do? I had asked for space and said I would get in touch when I was able to (The intention was to create some space from them) however my mother can't respect that and haS called twice. Neither call had been good and she continues to gaslight telling me telling me I forgot whst I told her.
I am stressed about it. I didn't want a bad relationship with them during this time. There is s long history of not respecting my boundaries. Yes i can forgive but I don't know if I want to see them. I can't trust them. If they contact me and they will i plan to just say everything is fine and no further details. I am not sure if I should cut them out of my journey but at the moment I feel like it given their betrayal.
I have invasive BC. I had surgery in May and I am currently having chemo. When I was diagnosed after much thought I decided to only tell my immediate family and a few very close friends. I choose carefully and selected people who i thought would support me.
When I told people i had BC I expressly advised each of them that I did not want to have my breast cancer known to anyone else. I wanted my privacy. I wanted time to deal with my emotions.
Well my parents (in their 80s and in good health) have told distant relatives. I find out because I was messaged and called on the phone. Shock to say the least and totally unprepared.
I was a annoyed with my parents but explained again I wanted my BC private. Again my parents have kept broadcasting my health to others including random retirement village people in their retirement village. I then hear a message from a male cousin i only ever see at funerals that they know of my condition. Of course it was a nice message but hey I won't hear or see them until another family funeral.
I challenge my mother and she says I told her to tell all relatives, a complete and utter lie. She says i must have forgotten but my husband knows I was very clear.
Our relationship has deteriorated. They just don't respect my wishes. In fact they tell me I am overreacting and there is nothing wrong with telling people. They now suggest i am 'not well'. They are gaslighting here.
What do I do? I had asked for space and said I would get in touch when I was able to (The intention was to create some space from them) however my mother can't respect that and haS called twice. Neither call had been good and she continues to gaslight telling me telling me I forgot whst I told her.
I am stressed about it. I didn't want a bad relationship with them during this time. There is s long history of not respecting my boundaries. Yes i can forgive but I don't know if I want to see them. I can't trust them. If they contact me and they will i plan to just say everything is fine and no further details. I am not sure if I should cut them out of my journey but at the moment I feel like it given their betrayal.
39 Replies
- @ChezaH 🤗❤️😘
- So sad to read these stories. Sending hugs to you all xx
- Having read these sad stories I am extra glad I have no family. Mind you, had my Mother been alive when I was diagnosed she would have simply said "never mind, dear".
All the best to those ladies whose situations have been made so much worse by the insensitive actions of others. May those actions end up giving you strength and power. - Oh @arpie what a story you have. I have no idea how you would have coped with all you have. You must be very courageous and a very strong woman.
Thank you for your kind words. I think i have forgiven my parents over and over over. I think it is important for healing and personal growth however I will never forget. After my specific request for privacy over and over their actions to the contrary I will never see them in the same light again. I feel a bit sorry for them. I didn't want this shit for me or them really but they created it so there it is. - Sadly, you can't choose your family @Cath62 . Some are just incredibly selfish - it has to be about 'them' - THEY want the sympathy - how dare YOU get any! But breaking/passing on someone's confidential information is right up there as unforgivable. Even if you ARE able to forgive - you'll never forget & highly unlikely to disclose any other confidences again! :(
I deliberately didn't tell my step sibling about my BC for 12 months. She emailed me back with commiserations & then we chatted on the phone ..... then 12 months later, she claimed I'd never told her! Weird - I have a copy of the email - both of them! There isn't a lot of love lost between us for all sorts of reasons! Trust, being one of them.
I was so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister Cath - how incredibly sad that you were unable to mention her in a family setting ever again. :( Counselling would have helped, I think. I am so glad that your husband is such a tower of strength and is riding shotgun for you - and good that he is pointing their lies out to them!! xx
@AllyJay - How sad that your brother died so young too :( Your description of your travel advice to your mother had me laugh out loud! My favourite 2 words, too! :) My own mother buggered off when I was 2 & my stepmother basically kicked me out of home the year after I finished school. My father had died 5 years after they married (I was 8 when they married.) My siblings & I were at boarding school our whole life, so we had never really 'lived' with her other than holidays. Within a year of leaving school, my brothers had left home and then my sister & I were literally kicked out a year apart - so there were serious trust issues from the start - which continues to this day with the step sibling. I am so glad that your husband and children/grand children and fur babies are such a wonderful support. Unconditional love! WONDERFUL
This bus we are on is a crazy enough journey as it is, without loopies jumping on as well!!
Take care, stay well xx - @Cath62, I am so sorry to hear of you losing your sister like that and having to be the support without receiving it yourself. Sisters are so precious and my heart hurts for you and all others who have lost siblings. I don’t want to even imagine losing one of my children. I have 4 siblings - 3 older than me - and I am relieved inside that I am the one with the cancer and that I won’t be left to grieve one of them. Pretty selfish I know - I don’t want to be the one left.
- @AllyJay sorry I took so long to respond. I have been away for a couple of days. How lovely you have a family of your own and one you can enjoy special times with. I lost a sister nearly 30 yrs ago. I helped my family and sat with my mother daily for 3 months after that. They have never got over it. I can't imagine what it would be like to loose a child. My sister was 28. My family never collectively discussed her death and it was never acknowledged that I lost my sister. I had to notify everyone about het death and my mother told me I couldn't reveal what she died from. I was 30 yrs old at the time and my son was 3. I respected her wishes but it was difficult. We should have talked about it, had counselling or something. We seem to have a couple things in common.
For now I lay low limit communication and just focus on my healing. - @AllyJay I wanted to mention your husband as well but I forgot. Sounds to me like you have yourself a very loving and wonderful family 😊🥰
- Hi there @FLClover...thank you for your feedback and kind wishes. Exactly a year after my brother died, we got the go ahead from the Australian embassy to emigrate from South Africa. My loving family are my husband of 41 years, my children and my grandchildren....oh oh...and my four furbabies. As to what the others are up to, I couldn't give a fig.
- Oh @AllyJay, it sucks to be denied good motherly love, and fatherly, which I think is pretty essential in life. I hope you have more than enough love from your child/ren and grandchild/ren (I’m guessing from profile photo). Lots of hugs to you 🤗❤️😘
