Saying no

Mic80 Member Posts: 46
edited September 2019 in General discussion
So I have a conundrum.... I am in constant lingo between saying no to people/situations and then feeling terrible guilt about it! I’m trying to follow advice in regards to making this time about me and my healing but then I feel I’m spending more time feeling like I’m letting people down and feeling selfish...anyone feel the same or have any advice?
thank you lovely ladies xx


  • Afraser
    Afraser Member Posts: 4,390
    Sometimes it takes having cancer to realise that we are doing something which is not useful. I learned a long time ago that there are things that we must do, things that we want to do and things that we should do. If we want to make changes/reprioritise, then it’s the last category we should dump. Of course, circumstances make a difference, but following our own feelings about what we want to do and what we are responsible for doing helps clarify things. Best wishes.
  • Blondy
    Blondy Member Posts: 238
    Mic80. I see this as a time when you need to be as stress free as possible. It's all about you, dealing with your treatment, getting through it and returning to your usual self. You are the important one and it takes all of our physical and more so, mental strength getting through it. It's a waste of energy feeling bad about letting others down. You need that energy for you. It's not for a long time, and you need to come out of it, the best you can. It's very ok to say no, when that's all you want to say. Thoughtful people will totally understand, and those that don't aren't walking in your shoes. Rest rest rest when needed, do what you can when you are able and have balance in your life without pressure. You are responsible for you. It's all about getting through it as best you can. You can do it. 
  • Sister
    Sister Member Posts: 4,960
    When the guilt feelings start, try thinking what you would think if the situation was reversed.  I tend to find that I have much higher expectations of myself than I do of other people.
  • Bevey
    Bevey Member Posts: 5
    I understand exactly how you are feeling. I am still in hospital after having a mastectomy with an implant. The first 4 days I had constant visitors, messages and phone calls. The nurses told me I hadn’t had any chance to rest and put a sign on my door to stop any further visits. I sent out a group message and have since only been in contact with my husband, parents and brother and sister in law. I can’t tell you how much it has helped me both physically and mentally. Please don’t worry about upsetting other people. They will understand and you will be better for putting yourself first. I wish you all the best xo
  • Zoffiel
    Zoffiel Member Posts: 3,374
    Anyone who gets upset because you are exercising very necessary self care is making your circumstances all about them. And it's probably not the first time they will have done it or the last if you don't put up some boundaries.

    Your guilt about letting people down is something else. BC turns out world's upside down and sometimes we need  some help adjusting to our new capacity to care for other people. You can access some counselling which can be very useful--if only because it can illustrate just how 'normal' it is to feel this way.

    It's fine to say no. If you do need help--and most of us don't need much, really-- make a list of tasks and give it to anyone who is nagging you. If you don't want to do something, say no, thanks, I'm not up to it.

  • Mic80
    Mic80 Member Posts: 46
    Thank you all so so much... this has really helped me ease my mind xx
    you guys are the best 😘