I thought I was doing okay
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I was shocking and all my regular doctor could do was take blood tests and say there was nothing wrong with me. In the end I demanded a psychologist referral but those seem to be non existent here so I got a psychiatrist who put me on 'happy pills'. I persisted with them for a couple of months and they really didn't agree with me at all but they did get me over the bad hump of PTSD he diagnosed me with where I would wake being unable to breathe in a panic.
Once diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression, giving it a name seemed to get me on the mend. It wasn't just me being stupid, it was a condition I could work to manage. Now I take Cannabis oil as needed. It is better on my stomach and glands as the pills although helpful weren't great for me long term.2 -
Hi @JSN. I returned yesterday from my first overseas holiday since breast cancer.
I'm having a difficult time in survivorship due to my own BC and the accumulated trauma of family events over the past few years. I'm seeing a psychologist.
I was nervous about going back to a country I love. How would I 'be' there now? I'm happy to tell you it was OK. Different, but OK. There are no breast cancer ads in India! Graphic heart attack ones, diabetes ones, but no BC ones. The world didn't care about my health, and despite being called sir a few times, lol, it was all good and refreshing to be out of my home environment and away from everyday cares.
The folk above have given you some great advice. Let go, breath and stay in the moment. Travel is especially good for the latter. I hope you're feeling better now. Have a wonderful trip, and I look forward to hearing how you go. Big hug, K xox4 -
I love and thank you for all the support. It means so much. I find something in each and every response. Something to help me. Something which adds to my understanding and working through my own feelings. I have decided to take more control and I’m just starting hour by hour. First up I went for a walk this morning. Then sorted some paperwork. This hour I am checking in here. Next hour clean the kitchen. Baby steps. I intend to call the cancer council tmw, I expect getting counselling this week will be hard but just some guidance and few words from a trained professional will help too even over the phone. You all sound so experienced and ‘together’. Maybe that how I look from the outside? There is a very large proportion of this that I would describe as PTSD. Such a wretched thing to happen to anyone. It’s hard for me to acknowledge the sadness, grief and bewilderment. I feel if I acknowledge it and feel it I will be stuck there. I feel sometimes that if I feel those feelings it will make the cancer come back. My mind plays tricks. I have to remind myself that the whole experience is very hard. It would be for anyone. I am only 9 months post treatment conclusion. It is the first year and I would say to anyone who was feeling as I do - it is completely normal and expected. The first year I would think is the hardest. Is that everyone else’s experience? I see that it is for some. It is normal to be feeling and reflecting on it all- even if you don’t want too. The existential crisis is normal. The questions regarding mortality and thinking that if this occurred 50-100 yrs the outcome would be very different. I panic and I want to avoid all these thoughts when actually thinking them and letting my brain flood with the feelings is actually a way of processing it and is healthy and required to move forward.
I do know some positive stories: I know a lady who is 30 years post BC, many who are 5, 10, 15 years plus. My three great aunts had BC in their late 50’s early 60’s who survived into their late 80’s/early 90’s leaving this mortal coil from heart disease. I know of people surviving bowel cancer 30 and 40 years on when treatment would of been so different, someone who has survived both cervical cancer and BC and she is 15 years out BC and 20 cervical cancer.
Please don’t be surprised if after the coming weekend I connect on here again while I am overseas.
Xxooo4 -
That's what the site and all of us are for, come whenever you want to. I am 6 years out, probably not as useful as others because, honestly, I've forgotten some stuff! It can and does happen. Life is like a boat, it's meant to be on the ocean. The sea can be rough and it may be scary, but our boat is not fulfilling its purpose tied up at the jetty all the time. After the first scary trip, we rather fancy the jetty option, but sooner or later, when we are ready, we put out to sea again. Maybe just a safe trip, with a trusted companion, to begin with, until we get our sea legs again!! Best wishes.6
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I love that imagery. Thank you. Yes I will take my boat again and again. For me it is the feelings and how to manage them. Sorting through the panic fuelled ‘what if’s’ and the reasonable objective ones. I feel a lot calmer from all the support. Far less panicked. Lots of love 💕4
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I feel very moved at the end of this Christmas day reading what everyone has said. A year has passed, I feel mostly fine physically but yesterday in the midst of trying to get all the stuff together I found myself with tears just pouring down my face feeling certain it would be my last Christmas. And then it turned out pretty horribly and now I'm crying again and I don't care if I never do this again. Oh well.0
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I reckon an awful lot of Christmases are like that - a lot of effort for not much joy. I've played it down for decades, without missing a thing - today was the first time I have gone to a Christmas gathering on Christmas Day for nigh on 40 years! Let it out and realise that it's all too normal at this time of the year (even without bc thrown in). Things may look a lot better tomorrow when all the expectations have died down. Take care.3
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@Annski
Your anniversary and Christmas coincide and this year your anniversay seemed to dominate.
Not every Christmas goes to plan.
Next stop is some reflection time on what you've endured and still here to tell the tale.
It's been about 3 years since we played the left right game so that's part of next Christmas.
Then there's New Year to look forward to. Small steps, no pressure. I don't think I need a New Year resolution as Santa didn't give me a pain free day so I am pretty peed off about that!
Hope tomorrow is a better day for you
Take care0 -
I think all of us have panic attacks , just variations of severity so don't feel bad and don't let it worry you because all these thoughts are normal and part of the crappy disease cancer is.
Go on your holiday with your husband, enjoy , eat what you like and enjoy it on behalf of all of us that are still going through treatment.
All the best ,
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. Love to see what us lot can get up to, hate that I'm not there, too! 
