Get Real
Blossom1961
Member Posts: 2,517 ✭
So I woke up this morning not wanting to deal with non real people. After posting the thread on unspoken thoughts it got me rattled. People ask me how I am but answer for me because they don't want to really know. "How are you you look amazing it is so good to see you so positive every week" How do you respond to that? It isn't really a question when you think about it. I love going to my cancer clinic support centre because there I meet real people who are going through the same things and being honest. I am now valuing honesty above complimentary words spoken. I find myself psycho analysing peoples words to see if they are being honest or not. Last week I had the joy of travelling a couple of hours and visiting with a group of friends who were real and genuine. Now I am struggling to come back to the typical. Tomorrow is my last Paclitaxel. Maybe I will be able to deal with this in a few months and I should just bury my head in the sand for now and pretend everything is okay. Has anyone else had their friendships, thoughts, etc turned upside down?
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Absolutely yes,yes,and more yes.
To the point where I cant sensibly comment here at the moment. But you have taken the thoughts straight out of my head.....i wish US, all of us well in sorting thru this mind mess.xxx1 -
I know it may be very trying but two thoughts. People who don't really care how you are aren't worth getting upset about. Say thank you, and move on. Many people are scared of cancer, and they try to minimise their own fear by emphasising, to you, the positives. Their fear is not your responsibility but it's also not intended to hurt you. What's honest to one person can be unfeeling and callous to another. Give 'em another chance. Best wishes.5
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I agree with @Afraser regarding other people's reactions. I did find some comments hurtful, however I now no longer allow myself to be upset by them. I do find that I now hold people at arm's length until I feel comfortable with the person. I do not always share. When asked I usually reply "Doing well thankyou" and move quickly on. I have got over the "what must people think of me" attitude. I no longer care if I appear rude or off hand. No longer my problem.
@Blossom1961 I do now have to make myself go out. It is too easy to stay inside my gate. I have had to muddle through this "survivorship" as best I can. There are no counselling services or support groups in the remote area where I live. Still there is the internet (When it works!), and I have found the BCNA Forum invaluable.
I learnt early in my BC months that most women, when they learnt of my diagnosis, think "That could have been me". We all have our mammograms at the same Breastscreen van when it comes to town every 2 years. It becomes very close to home in a small town.
One of the nicest things ever said to me was from an acquaintance who when she heard said to me, "I can't imagine how you must be feeling". Her words and a hug were very comforting.
Just remind yourself at all times that you come first and it is not all about other people and their feelings.
Take care and very warm Kimberley wishes to you.
Annie6 -
Yeah, support--and disappointment--come from unexpected quarters. I accept most people don't know what to say. Hell, I've been through this twice and I still dont know what to say.
I think I've developed a 'emdar' that identifies people who are genuinely kind and empathetic and flags those who are just curious, speculative or looking for a juicy story to tell at their next coffee klatch. I've lost friends (can you? Or were you wrong from the start) and had some people i hardly knew surprise me with their unqualified support. Those with a mild case of the bumbles and foot in mouth disease I now indulge with more patience than I could muster even a year ago. The predatory get short shrift. I try not to get angry with insincerity. Let's say that is still a work in progress. Mxx4 -
I often get tired of the mask but then I am confronted with someone going through a different life crisis and I realise how hard it can be to say the right thing. What I have taken from this is how much so many people are hoping for the best outcome for me even if they don't always use the right words. Then, of course, are the few who just have no idea at all...6
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Most people do not know how to react to our situation. Some are very good and tune in to how far to push the compassion button and others just make a right twit of themselves.
You are the most important in all this! Maybe this saying will make them think!!
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Most people don't want to know. I just smile and say ok. Ok that you think I'm looking good when i feel shit but thats ok because im not here for your approval. Alot do seem to need me to say im fine. If it is a close friend i tell it like it is.3
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@Bbbcm I like that! I can do that! I can say the 'right' things but be thinking (that's okay because I'm not here for your approval) Done!!! Everybody is happy.
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