Losing friends because of Cancer
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jane84
Member Posts: 63 ✭
Anyone else feel isolated and like some friends have disappeared from your life since cancer?? I'm 34 and was extremely social before my diagnosis. Since starting chemo for obvious reasons my social life has been put on hold for the most part. It's like because I won't go out drinking or up for very much I'm now of no interest to some friends. They've stopped texting and keeping intouch. No one apart from my close family pops by to check on me and my children. I feel like people are afraid of me! Am I alone on this?
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The experience of this old chook (almost 60) is this. Whenever there is a major change in your life, there is some sifting out of "friends". When you marry, that takes you out of the "single" camp. Groups of single young women might choose to cut off the married one. She sort of cramps their style. Similarly, when kids come along, some childless step aside. They really have no interest in sleepless nights, vomiting and trouble latching on. But by far, the biggest life change, is a life threat. You have rung the Existential Bell for some. FFS...if you can get cancer, so might they...right. Their perceived immortality balloon has been popped. I don't know that they are afraid of you per se, but of what you have brought into focus...the fact that every person born, will at some point die. Truth be told, you're better off without having to drag any extra baggage around with you at this time..a bit of pruning always improves growth, for plants and for people. Lots of hugs ((( hug ))).
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Aww thankyou @AllyJay I was reluctantly aware this may be the case
I guess it's just really hard to come to terms with. You'd think when something like cancer happens to a friend that there would be more care and thought toward that person, but I guess they really weren't 'friends' to begin with if that's not the case. It's hard knowing you don't really mean that much to some people! I miss my life and the friends I had before cancer, but I know I need to move on. Maybe it's time to make friends with women who have been through similar 
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Yes an unexpected consequence! Some friends are seasonal, only for the good times and then there is those that you least expect check on you, turn up at the door with a cake or something! So it works both ways, you lose some but you also win some!
Seeing your age group have you joined one of the groups on here, Young Women
http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/group/10-young-women
Take care
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As a previous reply stated it unfortunately happens during every “change” in your life. When I first told people of my diagnosis people who hadn’t been around for a while suddenly wanted to know me again with promises of visits etc but surprise surprise it never happened. It’s often the people who you don’t think of as particularly close who often end up being those who show the most care and the right type of care.
I have also found 2 new friends from this forum who live locally.5 -
I was having a big whinge about this just yesterday.
I had a quick surgery last year, avoided chemo and skipped straight to radiation for 5 weeks.
I've not been ill... I'm perfectly capable of going for a picnic, coffee, dinner, movie but has anyone called - nope - nada!!
I'm perfectly happy to go out for dinner and NOT discuss cancer if it makes them more comfortable but seriously - they need to grow-the-hell-up.
As a wise friend said to me... they were there for ONE chapter of your life story.3 -
@Jax1964 it's so frustrating isn't it?? I guess we just have to learn to move on. It's hard saying goodbye to some friendships though because for me before cancer they were great! When you care about someone you naturally hope they will care about you too. It's sad when it's not the case
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@jane84 u definitely find out who your friends are at times like this. I have found that friends I would of expected to be there haven’t been and other people I haven’t spoken to in ages have been incredibly supportive.1
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Quality not quantity. And, yes, what you gain in one aspect you lose often in another.
I now seem to be the expert in what to do when everything goes shit shaped. I must admit I'm maybe not totally dedicated to putting myself out for those who dropped me like a hot scone when I was in big trouble. Yes, I'll help, but not with great enthusiasm. It is interesting to see the approaches people take when they suddenly want something from you. Apparently I'm too independent to need help and it's remarkable how off putting any display of resilience can be for some folk. "I just didn't think I could help". Hmm, maybe not, but we'll never know now, will we?
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Agree with most of what has been said already, especially by @AllyJay - it's transitional. However, never underestimate the inability of people to know what to say - and to think it's OK to say nothing rather than put their foot in it. Some of your friends will get back in touch, when they have worked out how to deal with it all. One of the things we all learn when we have cancer is that we have to deal with other people's inability to deal with it!! Not fair, but frequent!5
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Unfortunately no you are not alone. My phone hardly rings anymore and I have also suffered the loss of many friends. I guess Cancer really knows how to weed the garden if you know what I mean. These days I go for quality not quantity. Us BC girls have got your back.2
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Sadly, it happens. When my husband was diagnosed with stomach cancer back in 2010 - he was incredibly fit - an award winning triathlete! I was AMAZED when one friend in particular never made contact after I'd advised him of his diagnosis! I don't know if he thought it was 'catchy'? We had supported him when his son was killed in a cycling crash, so it was even more weird. We caught up with him last year when he visited from NZ ..... so that was good.
I've been lucky since I was diagnosed in Jan - most of my friends & fellow Uke Players & yak fishos have been incredibly supportive of me. Stunned - but supportive.
Our life is made up of friends who come in & out of our lives - some for a short time, some for a long time - some for ALL the time!
Try not to worry too much about it - it is THEIR problem, not yours!
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