Feeling like a fraud

Bearyfolk

Hi Everyone.
I have been newly diagnosed. Everything has happened at light speed. I had a followup ultrasound on the 9th of Feb for another issue that they wanted to check. They found a small lump, did the needle biopsy then and there. Got the result on from my GP on the 13th, saw a breast surgeon on the 14th and had surgery on the 15th. I had a very small grade 2 invasive carcinoma of no special type and my lymph nodes were clear. Doc says I will need radiotherapy and consider hormone therapy. I do have to have another surgery to remove a little more breast tissue as she wasn't happy with the margin on one edge. 

I know I have been incredibly lucky that it has been picked up so early and that I won't have to go through having invasive surgery or chemo. Other than that I feel nothing. Everyone else around me seems to be more worried than I am. I don't know if it's because it has be so fast or because my son's partner has been through an awful time with breast cancer (double mastectomy and multiple infections), and comparing myself to her thinking what have I got to complain about.

Has anyone else felt like this.

SoldierCrab

HI Bearyfolk yes there are some ladies who feel like you do.... BUT you have had a diagnosis and that is enough for anyone. You might find that once the next surgery is over you will have had a bit more time to react to the diagnosis.... 
I am sure others who have felt like this will respond to you. 
Sorry that you have been diagnosed with BC 

Soldiercrab

arpie

@Bearyfolk  

I know exactly how you feel and have expressed that same sentiment .... mine went pretty fast & furious as well - 12 days from diagnosis to surgery -  but yours certainly WAS lightening fast!!

Yes - everyone around you sort of expects to see you looking and acting 'ill'!!  But like me - you wouldn't have 'looked ill', you wouldn't have 'felt ill' ...... cos most people only remember the bad days when a lot of BC sufferers didn't make it.  You had a 'condition' that has been removed, so all's good ... (not unlike having a baby - once it is born, you aren't pregnant any more .....)

With modern surgery & with it being picked up so much earlier - there is a much better likelihood of a good outcome and you were lucky to be able to get operated on so quickly.

We really are the lucky ones - compared to those having the same surgery even 10+ years ago.  I hope your radiation etc goes well too.  Mine starts on Wed.  Then I have to decide whether to go on the tablets or not, like you.

In a matter of weeks or months - it will all seem like a bad dream.

All the best for your further treatment. xx

kmakm

Hi @Bearyfolk. Sorry you're here.

I had an email on a Thursday recalling me to the Breastscreen clinic the following Monday. Back again a week later to receive the diagnosis (4/12/17). Hookwire insertion, sentinel node biopsy and wide local excision (lumpectomy) the next day. Bam. Not clear margins so a week later a re-excision. It was a whirlwind that impacted me greatly and the speed from which I think I am still recovering.

My prognosis is good, where so many people's are not. However I am struggling emotionally. Which then makes me feel guilty. It's a vicious circle compounded by my sister's death from this wretched scourge in 2016. I feel like I have some sort of survivors guilt.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that we all have our own emotions, there are no 'wrong' ones, and that sometimes the absence of emotion can be your brain's way of protecting you from the whirlwind.

My first, only and overwhelming emotion was intense anger. That gave way to tremendous sadness (SO many tears). The tears have mostly dried and now I'm just miserable most of the time.  I'm looking forward to the day when something (hopefully better) replaces miserable. You will probably find that you'll experience a range of emotions as time goes on.

Or you could be someone who takes it in their stride and just gets on with it! There's no right or wrong, despite those nagging voices in our heads, just be you. Best wishes.

Sister

@Bearyfolk.  It is a whirlwind sometimes and a shock and sometimes it takes some time for the emotions to catch up.  Not sure if mine have, yet.  Diagnosis on 5/12, wide excision on 21/12, mastectomy on 8/1 and heading in this week for my second chemo.  As everyone else has said, there's a wide range of emotions and there's no "right" response to this.  I've been through shock, tears, disbelief, anger, depression and fear and back again.  I will say that after surgery I thought that I felt fine (not sure if I really did, though) so maybe this is it for you.  Or maybe down the track it might hit you.  If so, lean on those who support you.

Best wishes.

arpie

I forgot to say that I also scared myself silly leading up to the surgery, and again leading up to getting my results ..... tho it is totally normal to go thru a raft of emotions throughout the BC journey!  As already mentioned, there's lots of tears at the initial diagnosis, anger, also a couple of dummy spits as well when some things DIDN'T go to plan ..... 

I just really feel for so many fellow members who've had a much harder time of it than me at this point in time, even tho my journey is not yet complete & there is no guarantee that the wheels may fall off further down the line!

I've had some fantastic support from family & friends & this has been invaluable in allowing me to concentrate on what was important at the time - getting thru this necessary ordeal!

Jax1964

Hi Bearyfolk, my journey has been almost identical to yours and I also used the same phrase as 'being a fraud'.
Diagnosed just 8 weeks ago, 2 surgeries and I'm now in the 2nd week of radiation and consider this whole episode an inconvenient interruption to my travel plans.
This is also not the worst medical thing that has happened to me.
Don't beat yourself up - accept your journey and do not compare it to others.

jennyss

Dear @Bearyfolk, @Jax1964 , my path  is very similar to you ladies; except for a little chemo  inserted in  the middle LOL. Did  have some side effects from this. Now looking for work 8 weeks after the finish of radiotherapy. I do feel very lucky and grateful at this stage. I love to be part of this network as I think we can all offer something and get support and info. One thing  I have gained is encouragement to get fit and exercise more.
I agree with what Jax1964 says: 'Don't beat yourself up, accept your journey and do not compare it to others'.
Best wishes to all from jennyss in Western NSW.

socoda

Hi @Bearyfolk, I was diagnosed May 2016 had Grade 1, Stage 2 tumor 2.7cm with a satellite lesion that turned out to be benign. Due to the size of the tumor I was told a lot of breast tissue would need to be removed and my breast would look deformed even under clothing so I chose a mastectomy with immediate reconstruction using an implant. I had no idea at the time I had just minimised my treatment by a huge amount. No nodes were involved and because I had the mastectomy no radiation was needed, because of the grade and stage no chemotherapy either. I am currently on Tamoxifen and change over to an aromatase inhibitor in July as I've been pushed into menopause (was heading there anyway!!) I too felt like a fraud and then I realised the emotions and fear that come with a diagnosis are no different for any of us. I do totally realise how incredibly lucky I am and I was even told prior to surgery that I would be having chemo (even bought a wig). I still have issues such as cording and pain but I count my blessings that I am lucky enough to have dodged other treatment bullets and even with my limited experience I can still try and be a support to others going through. The guilt will lessen and you will feel better. This is a very individual disease and I'm sure all of the lovelies who have had to go through extensive treatments wish that they too could have bypassed various stages. I haven't met anyone yet who has begrudged me my lack of treatment and if others can be that kind to us maybe we need to be a bit kinder to ourselves!! Hugs. Xx Cath

Sunshine0206

I often feel guilty because I have had such minimal drama with chemo but I try and turn that guilt into being grateful. Life plays out. We can’t control it. 

Our treatments may be different  but all of us have a risk/fear  of reoccurrence. It’s our common denominator and bond. 

Xx

Bearyfolk

Thanks everyone for your responses and support. It is really nice to hear that no one on here judges on what type/size/treatment that you have. It's also good to know that I'm not alone with these feelings (or lack of them). I will stay positive and if it all comes crashing down (mentally) at a later date then I guess I will deal with it then. Thank you again ladies. I am so glad my breast surgeon told me about this site. I'll definitely keep popping on here and I hope that in time I can give support to others. 

brightspace

Hi Bearyfolk
I like the term  lucky
Only DCIS for me in 2011 with MX
What i have learnt about medical issues  is never become complacent about your health..
when treatment has finished continue to follow up  the minor aches and pains after cancer clear meant that mbc was caught early.
many of us recover from bc some of us have it reappear  and like you i feel i am lucky as i still  have good health fairly fit and  not had chemo or rads.
Yes everyone is different
All the best 
Bright in hope

Afraser

Please will you all stop feeling guilty! Most of us vacillate from feeling lucky (about treatment dodged, or side effects we weren't blessed with, or great support or something else) to feeling unlucky (Why me? Why do they get good results and I don't? Why do I get one thing after another? And so on). Feeling guilty affects very little and is so unnecessary. Be happy you have less of a bad thing! Be positive about your future! Be glad! We have so many women facing very difficult and uncertain futures who still find joy and meaning in their lives. That's the model - getting on with a life to live as well as possible. There's not a moment to waste on feeling guilty for something you didn't choose. 

Yogibooboo

Hi Bearyfolk, I too had similar experience with low grade bc dx (LP/re-excision). Rads x 16 (started yesterday). I feel great (so far) and just relieved I didn’t need to have chemo or mx.  Ppl tell me I’m so brave and I say I don’t think so I just follow instructions from Dr. and others qualified, what else can you do?  Reality is we have the best case scenario in an otherwise gnarly situation, thank goodness!  I can’t wait to finish rads and fully get on with life. The one thing I have learnt is never take anything for granted as you don’t know what’s around the corner and to be grateful for a test run on something that could’ve been a lot worse.  

Big hugs and good luck xox

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