Not the midlife crisis I was planning on...
Imo
Member Posts: 25 ✭
A few months ago I realised that my 40th birthday was looming and becoming harder to ignore. Mild panic started setting in - what have I done with my life? I'm running out of time to have a second child, I need to find a career I love, I need to bite the bullet and buy the acreage of rolling hills and start the farm I always dream of... and what on EARTH am I going to do to celebrate my 40th in April 2018?
Then, 2 months later while breastfeeding my son I found a lump.
And here I am, wishing I wasn't.
But I am here, I can't change that, and I'm so very, selfishly, grateful that you are all here with me. I've read so many beautiful posts of support and encouragement from so many women going through similar scenarios. It's helped me immeasurably already and I've only just begun this shitty little journey.
I have two medium sized tumours in my right breast. One is grade 3, one is still being tested. I'm triple negative. I'm taking the neoadjuvant chemo path and started last Friday. My treatment plan is weekly paclitaxel with 3 weekly carboplatin for 12 weeks followed by dose dense AC (doxorubicin and cyclophosphamide) for 2 months. I have my fingers tightly crossed that the chemo runs as smoothly as it can. Following chemo it will likely be mastectomy, possibly bilateral. Given the grade and triple negative status as well as my age as a 'young women' for breast cancer, I don't want to risk any chance of second primaries let alone recurrence. Genetic testing is also in the pipeline. It's a long pipeline apparently...
The irony of being a 'young woman' for breast cancer doesn't escape me. Two years, while attending antenatal check-ups I was considered positively geriatric as a first time mother.
I'm becoming used to the hollowness in the pit of my stomach, the heaviness that drags me down when I'm tired and forces me to contemplate the worst. The idea that I'll abandon my son, that he'll have to grow up without his mother. There are hours in every day where this is unbearable, where the idea that I even entertained the thought of a midlife crisis is laughable. Luckily, now that treatment has started and I have something to work towards, it's getting easier to slip into this 'new normal'. Isn't it amazing how strong we are? Our ability to dissolve into a hopeless, helpless puddle of tears for a time, then pick ourselves up and say "right, lets get on with it" (closely followed by another puddle of tears, and repeat).
So that's me - 39, mother of one and now unlikely to be mother of 2 or 3. I'm full of anxiety and doubts and filling up on research I never thought I'd need. I'm not exactly up for this challenge but I don't have a choice so I'm really glad I've found you all to help me through.
Have a beautiful Christmas with your friends and families,
Cheers
Imo
Then, 2 months later while breastfeeding my son I found a lump.
And here I am, wishing I wasn't.
But I am here, I can't change that, and I'm so very, selfishly, grateful that you are all here with me. I've read so many beautiful posts of support and encouragement from so many women going through similar scenarios. It's helped me immeasurably already and I've only just begun this shitty little journey.
I have two medium sized tumours in my right breast. One is grade 3, one is still being tested. I'm triple negative. I'm taking the neoadjuvant chemo path and started last Friday. My treatment plan is weekly paclitaxel with 3 weekly carboplatin for 12 weeks followed by dose dense AC (doxorubicin and cyclophosphamide) for 2 months. I have my fingers tightly crossed that the chemo runs as smoothly as it can. Following chemo it will likely be mastectomy, possibly bilateral. Given the grade and triple negative status as well as my age as a 'young women' for breast cancer, I don't want to risk any chance of second primaries let alone recurrence. Genetic testing is also in the pipeline. It's a long pipeline apparently...
The irony of being a 'young woman' for breast cancer doesn't escape me. Two years, while attending antenatal check-ups I was considered positively geriatric as a first time mother.
I'm becoming used to the hollowness in the pit of my stomach, the heaviness that drags me down when I'm tired and forces me to contemplate the worst. The idea that I'll abandon my son, that he'll have to grow up without his mother. There are hours in every day where this is unbearable, where the idea that I even entertained the thought of a midlife crisis is laughable. Luckily, now that treatment has started and I have something to work towards, it's getting easier to slip into this 'new normal'. Isn't it amazing how strong we are? Our ability to dissolve into a hopeless, helpless puddle of tears for a time, then pick ourselves up and say "right, lets get on with it" (closely followed by another puddle of tears, and repeat).
So that's me - 39, mother of one and now unlikely to be mother of 2 or 3. I'm full of anxiety and doubts and filling up on research I never thought I'd need. I'm not exactly up for this challenge but I don't have a choice so I'm really glad I've found you all to help me through.
Have a beautiful Christmas with your friends and families,
Cheers
Imo
5
Comments
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Hi Imo i have a triple negative tumor or rather had. I had the same chemo did AC for 4 treatments every 2 weeks then the pacliltaxal and carboplatin for 12 weeks. It was tough but it shrunk it to near a enough nothing. Had lumpectomy and auxiliary clearence and am now on rads so did not have mastecomy like you are planning. It's a bit of a roller coaster ride but hang in there. Take care and have a good Christmas1
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I had many many nights of fears and tears. My sons are older but I believe need me even more presently whilst muddling their way into men. I was terrified of the impact on their mental health, whether their relationship would improve with their father if I died, would they become closer or would they all become lost without me keeping them communicating. It was truly a horrendous time. But slowly slowly I began to believe I am a SURVIVOR. Any guarantees of that? Nope. But I am ensuring that now I treasure the moment. Put time in with my family. Look after myself physically and mentally and do all those things I thought I should be doing. Almost 2 years on and and I am thinking about studying again.
So I wish for you every success with your treatment. Dream the dreams. Make plans for a life beyond treatment when you feel ready. A new career might show itself during this challenging time. Treasure those you love. Kath x
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So eloquently written. Welcome to the site that none of us want to be part of but certainly grateful for it.
No doubt you've explored the site and found the resources. There is a group that you maybe interested, natter in private in http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/group/10-young-women
Take care
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Hello @Imo
Our circumstances are very different but having read your post I just want to let you know that you are in my thoughts and I just know you will have some fantastic supports here on this network.
There is a group for "young women" so do join that.
Never give up, try to concentrate on the positives (even if you cannot see them right now), and know that your medical team are there for you - and keep asking questions if you don't think you have the right answers.
Big hugs Summer
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@Imo firstly, I'm sorry you are here, but secondly I have to say what a beautiful writer you are. You will find wonderful support from the beautiful ladies on this forum. It's a horrible tough nightmare but you're not alone. I wish you care and good wishes, and enjoy your family at Christmas- they are what gets us through xxx1
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Hi there @Imo I had triple neg last year aged 43. My kids are older one now 19 and one 21. I had a 3cm tumor left boob grade 3 stage 2a no lymph nodes involved all scans clear. I had dose dense chemo 4 rounds of AC and 4 rounds of paclitaxol all two weeks apart. I finished chemo oct last year. It’s always daunting at the start the feelings you have are normal lovely and rest assured you will have other ladies with small children who will give you endless advice and support. I had the gene test as I was under 50 with no family history and was negative for that. I also chose to take my left boob off so I only had to have chemo and no rads. Then took the right boob off 6 months later as a preventative and my guts told me too despite my surgeon saying it wasn’t necessary but he respected my choice anyway. And I have no regrets with my decision just have the frustratingly long wait for my recon now. Hang in there you will get there and we will all be there to hold your hand n doubts about that. Margie xx
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I hear you loud and clear. I am 41. 40 when diagnosed mid year. I have 5 year old.
The dred and and sadness is still with me but the panic has worn somewhat thinner....It’s a dredful aching feeling. Like a nightmare. That never ends.
I only worry for my my son and him losing his Mum.
I get you.
x
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Yes,it's a feeling that is indescribable to someone who hasn't been there.l too was 40 when diagnosed and now 41.sending you lots of love ❤️0
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@Imo
Hi just want to encourage you I am not a survivor of 5 yrs with No evidence of Disease.
we are a lot stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for.
Hugs
Soldier Crab
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@soldiercrab I think you might have meant I AM a survivor of 5 years
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Yes @Joannie inboxed me about it ..... silly typo work phone and busy and typing don't go together....
I AM A SURVIVOR
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