Struggling

kimmi17

Hi everyone,  its been a struggle for me day to day with the effects if chemo.  Also the blaming game always runs in my head as I had friends who had bc but I did not bother checking my breast and now I have bc just when I noticed something strange.  I need to accept now that I am having treatmemt.  Only thing is that everyday I keep regretting that I wasted so much time not checking myself.  Hope to move on & face the situation now.   

Deanne

Hi Kimmi,
You are on the right track when you say you hope to move on and face your situation right now. I think most of us wish we had done something different, found the cancer sooner or just not got it at all!

Maybe it might help if you start looking and concentrating on what you can do to make the best of your situation right now. I tried to do things to help minimize the effects of chemo, like exercising when I could, keeping my skin moisturised, my nails cared for - little things that helped me to feel in control to some degree. I also found it helped to come on here and help others if I could. 

As as you know it takes a lot of energy to get through treatment so you don't want to waste it thinking about the past and things you cannot change. Just look at what can make your day or somebody else's day a little bit better right now. Take care and hope you feel better soon. xxx

primek

My regret was not seeing a genetic specialist again (saw one 20 years ago) just 2 years earlier. I knew I had a sucky family history and was thinking now through menopause would have ovaries removed...knew could now be tested for gene. Little did I know if done just prior menopause it may have reduced my risks. But my life was just so darn busy . My mammogram did not show my lump. I felt it.  We can't  change the past we can only look forward at what we can do now. It's  normal to have regrets. It will pass. Take care. Kath x

socoda

Hi Kim, Sorry to hear that your struggling both with chemo and with guilt. The wonderful what if game can be played for minutes, hours, weeks even lifetimes, and still leave you with frustration and unanswered questions. How lucky are we all to be here, having available treatment and able to look forward to a future.  I love to look for one really beautiful moment to enjoy each day whether it's a gorgeous sunrise,  magnificent flower in my garden or savouring a good laugh with family, friends or work colleagues. Don't beat yourself up for being human!! Treatment from the initial diagnosis can be so very fast that it leaves you feeling totally bewildered, and feeling as though your trying to catch up.But you will get over the blaming, you'll get through your treatment and you are already a major force of strength. Look how far you've already come!!! Be gentle on yourself, you're doing wonderfully!! Big hugs Xx Cath

kimmi17

Thanks so much Deanne & Kath.  I need encouragement as my family are all overseas & been hard not having them here.  Though we commumicate thru the internet.  Its my first time to post here so now when I needed some advise & unlifting words will put my attention here as it will really help me.  

Ann-Marie

@kimmi17 Welcome to the online network. It can be very hard when your family is not close by but just know that the lovely members are here to support you along the way. x

melclarity

Kimmi,
Im so sorry to hear of you struggling, but I want to say to you also, that it is all so incredibly normal. You sound like a very giving and caring friend, and that you have been there for your friends with BC. Kimmi, in majority of cases you wouldnt detect anything even checking. Ive had it twice now, and both times no lumps nothing. Incredibly mentally disturbing. When I first had diagnosis in 2011, I urged work colleagues to get checked, thankfully 2 friends had BC and were caught early. There are sooooo many people I know who havent been checked at all. The other thing is I think too, there are sooo many women walking around with it and dont even know. So I say, thankfully you found it when you did, and now you have the chance to treat it. Its normal to want to blame people, situations whatever it may be, but Ive learnt the hard way through going through a multitude of emotions that all I have is this moment, and only I now have the control to do one thing at a time. I dont look back and I dont look forward. Chemo is incredibly hard and Ive always been a very strong independent woman...but this broke me as it was a recurrence. I can admit it...Im human and I dont apologize to anyone for that. 

I also have no support, only my Dad thats it really and Im a single parent. It is difficult when nobody gets this once strong woman crumbled in a million pieces, its an inner turmoil, that friends and family just cant help at all. Only people traveling your path, 'Get it'.

Psychologists are great too and I urge you to consider having some counselling, but obviously not all are suitable to your needs. 

You can do this, you will get through it, even in my darkest days where I felt I could no longer, I did!!! You will find the strength one day at a time to get through, and not let this define you. 
Big hugs
Melinda xo

kimmi17

Thanks Melinda, the bad thing bout me is that I keep on going back to th past, that I should have done this & that etc but I cannot go back anymore & it hurts me and makes me sad.  I will now look forward & just trust & continue with treatments tough its been hard on me as I am a thin asian lady & been losing weight aftrr every chemo & will let the oncologists know this on my next visit. Tks

melclarity

Oh Kimmi,

It really is normal to travel back to the past, and I think we do it because the present is so much out of control, you know? as in this is out of your hands, so in our minds if we can just go back and change one thing, we wouldnt be going through this right now. Of course it makes you sad and hurts too. So important to just feel whatever it is you feel, then let it wash away. Bring your focus back to where you are right now and keep talking. Definitely tell your Oncologist everything as the Team will help you every way they can.
Hugs
Melinda 

JanineG

Kimmi don't beat yourself up. Now is the time to treat yourself with as much kindness as you possibly can. Say yes to the people who want to help and no thank you to those who aren't positive for you. If only is a waste of energy. Only look back on things that make you smile, the others can fade away. Don't forget to remind yourself on how amazing you are to get through each day of this BC trip. Xo Janine

Sevenbe

Try not to beat yourself up about it. I checked my breasts pretty regularly and still didn't notice my lump until suddenly it was quite large. Breast tissue changes all the time and you never know what you would have spotted and what you wouldn't have. The important thing is that you know now and you're dealing with it now.

Hopes_and_Dreams

Kimmi, the most important thing now is to surround yourself with positivity and happy thoughts. Mine was picked up in a routine mammogram and couldn't be felt.  But it is natural to wonder if we could have done things differently.  Maybe I shouldn't have gone on oestrogen replacement for early menopause?  But we can't change what has happened, all we can do is accept that it is fine to have those feelings but don't give them the power to take up your energy.  You are amazing and will be stronger than you could ever believe.  Every day takes you one step closer to beating this disease.  Sending you 
my best wishes.
Jane x

Jodie123

It's only natural to think about what we could have done differently. I know I have rerun things a million times in my head. Unfortunately it just messes with your head.
The most important thing is to keep positive and focus on getting through treatment. Be kind to yourself and best of luck with your recovery. xx

Karenhappyquilter

Dear Kimmi, we live in a time and place that often wants to allocate blame for bad things happening.  I think this is partly because we as a society want to believe we are in control of our bodies, our lives and our fates.  So we believe bad things happen because we did the wrong thing.  The fact is that bad things happen to good people all the time and we often have no control over it.  Babies and young children get cancer sometimes.  They didn't do anything wrong.  

if you had checked your breasts you might have found something.  On the other hand, if you checked them you might not have found anything.  The great thing about the breast screening process for older women is how many cancers it picks up where the women haven't noticed anything suspicious.  

I checked my breasts but sadly not the part where the cancer was, stupid of me,  I suppose.  I delayed having my regular mammogram, I was busy and tired.  Stupid also.  But we are human.  So very human.  In the end we have to forgive ourselves for not being perfect and acknowledge that life has a huge randomness about it and what we did and didn't do often has no effect on our lives.

I hope you can stop feeling guilty.  Soon chemo will be over and it starts getting better, slowly but surely.  I wish you the very best of luck.  Karen