Struggling

Dear Kimmi, we live in a time and place that often wants to allocate blame for bad things happening.  I think this is partly because we as a society want to believe we are in control of our bodies, our lives and our fates.  So we believe bad things happen because we did the wrong thing.  The fact is that bad things happen to good people all the time and we often have no control over it.  Babies and young children get cancer sometimes.  They didn't do anything wrong.  

if you had checked your breasts you might have found something.  On the other hand, if you checked them you might not have found anything.  The great thing about the breast screening process for older women is how many cancers it picks up where the women haven't noticed anything suspicious.  

I checked my breasts but sadly not the part where the cancer was, stupid of me,  I suppose.  I delayed having my regular mammogram, I was busy and tired.  Stupid also.  But we are human.  So very human.  In the end we have to forgive ourselves for not being perfect and acknowledge that life has a huge randomness about it and what we did and didn't do often has no effect on our lives.

I hope you can stop feeling guilty.  Soon chemo will be over and it starts getting better, slowly but surely.  I wish you the very best of luck.  Karen