extra long summer days
hi bloggers,
we are travelling well. Sometimes I feel very sad and am not really sure why??? I have to force myself to be happy with my lot.........force myself to think positive and be mindful of all the great things I have in my life. Its Easter, and its not raining, and the sun and surf are out.......We have a roof over our heads and plenty food in the fridge. and yet there is a sadness.........maybe its because my friends haven't called in a while??? maybe its because my husband keeps telling me how pretty I am and I don't really believe him. Time seems to go past so quickly now and I'm scared I won't have done anything important in my life...
should, should should............what is the point of all we have when we continually want something else and your family and friends always stay at the surface........never wanting to get involved, or feeling something more than warmth and understanding.
Last night I told my husband,I wish I was never born into this family. Next time around I want to be born into a family that is very different.......how awful to say that out aloud.......I'm sure everyone is doing the best they can with what they have.........
maybe its just all the drugs talking.................the fog everyone talks about??? all this self awareness is scary and I just want to hide......
I will be fine..........it will pass........and we can go back to being normal..................
Comments
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I am sorry you have been feeling down Michelina.
You are allowed to feel that way and to express it though - nothing wrong with it and I actually do admire you have the strength to vocalise It and not just internalise it and bottle it all in like some of us do.
I hope it changes for you and maybe worth trying to get out of the house while this decent weather holds... there is nothing like fresh air and nature. Sounds like your hubby is a good guy so maybe worthwhile asking him to organise an outing for the 2 of you
My hubby is absolutelly terrible (or should I say 'hass been terrible and hopeless for the past 16 years) and if left to his own devices we would sit indoors every weekend staring at thw TV but after my diagnosis (few weeks ago) I told him I needed all the help I could get and needed him to work extra hard to both keep my spirits up and to make sure he organises at least few hours outdoors where he has to plan the food, transport and the activities and how to entertain me.
I know it sounds selfish but I told the 'boy' it is time for me to be selfish and for him to be unselfish if I am to get through this so it has to be his job to keep me in good spirits. Funnly enough, i expected him to give up and whinge that it is all too hard but he did step up and has been very supportive, encouraging and has organised outings every single weekend making me feel both loved and safe. Not to mwntion how soending few hours sitting on a beach, or in a National Park or on some cliffs overlooking the icean with just fresh air and mother nature arround us has done wonders and lifted my spirits every time
I hope you find your 'mojo' soon and, in the meanwhile, just hang in there. You are dealing with some heavy duty circumstances not many can handle so nothing wrong with feeling a little bit down every now and then
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I know what you mean. It feels like a crossroads in your life but you aren't going up any paths just sitting on the sidelines marking time. I suppose Easter is supposed to be a joyous time but with no little kids of our own and no grandkids yet our big boys aren't exactly up for Easter egg hunts any more and since I am prone to any infections with treatment, no one really comes over to visit either.
Mind you a phone call or a private face book message or even an encouraging comment from my brother and sister would be nice but only my online aquarium keeping friends and older life long friends offer any open comments or support. I feel kind of dirty with cancer because my own brother and sister wont contact me and only my mother turns up every now and again to see how I am and do the family report to them on the phone. Fortunately hubby has a big family and they do ring him from time to time so at least he has some support there.
I've been told the big fishing classic on this weekend there are a couple of women there helping with catering with their hair all missing, obviously from chemo but I just don't have the will or the energy to want to go up to meet 2000 people. Maybe next year. Perhaps it is just the drugs talking and we'll all come good one of these days?
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Dear Michelina
Sometimes what helps best in a stressful time is to talk to someone you don't know at all. Cancer can bring out a lot of deep seated issues too. When we feel confused, frightened (and most of us do at least some of the time) or that no-one understands, letting it all out to someone trained in listening, and not pussy footing around trying to help but not knowing how to, is a good move. Your oncology nurse will probably be able to suggest a counsellor. A few sessions can sometimes help with the fog.
Good luck.
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