Fighting cancer, husband wants out, children taken away
Hi everyone, I'm writing on behalf on my sister who is currently fighting cancer and is going through a very difficult time, a year and a half after her cancer diagnosis. This is her story. Jane and John have been married for a number of years and have several children. There are tensions in the marriage, because John has a hands off attitude when it comes to parenting, whereas Jane believes some boundaries, like attending school, helping with chores, and a limit to computer gaming, are essential. Jane does most of the heavy lifting in the marriage, giving up her career. Jane, in addition, starts working several part time jobs while John goes through regular periods of unemployment. The stress of this probably contributes to Jane's cancer diagnosis. After two surgeries and 6 months of chemo, Jane is taking hormone blocking medication and as luck would have it, is going through the most intense part of the menopause. Jane finds the stress (and the effects of the medication) too much and loses her temper a few times, while continuing to do the parenting on her own. John, perhaps not sure whether he wants this burden, is undermining Jane. "People have put their lives on hold for you!". John encourages the children to rebel, and to secretly record Jane in order to "gather evidence". Over Christmas drinks, John arranges with his male police relative to launch a "family violence" order against Jane. Jane is forced to flee the house and has to move in with her elderly parents since she sold her pre marriage unit to fund her children's education. John launches divorce, violence and financial proceedings against Jane, claiming her remaining savings since he, he now claims, is the "family". He also bans any communication between Jane and her children and threatens her elderly parents to never see their grandchildren. Jane faces court action, solicitors bills, police checks against her future employment and her cancer treatment, alone. She is not allowed to see or talk to her own children. Noone wants to hear Jane's story, the police don't speak to her, there is no institutional support. Jane and her elderly parents feel abandoned, intimidated and fearful of impending court actions. Being on the other end of the world, I feel absolutely heartbroken not being able to be there for her and give her all the support she needs. She has spent all her life caring and providing for her children and her husband and now it all being taken away from her, at the time when she needs their support. The total injustice of it all infuriates me, especially him being able to manipulate the law and using it to his advantage, as well as totally ignoring the effects that cancer and the medications can have. I understand that cancer takes its toll not only on the person affected but on the family as well, but surely there must be ways to protect those who are directly affected. If any of you have any advice for her or can help with the emotional/psychological/legal aspects of it, or simply know someone who went through similar experiences - every little bit of help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading this and please take care of yourself and your loved ones.
How supportive is your partner?
Hi everyone, I had my biopsy on Friday and the radiologist said it was most likely cancer. I was a complete fool and didn't follow up on the ultrasound and mammogram that was performed in October as the report said it was probably ok. Unfortunately it's doubled in size. I receive the diagnosis on Tuesday. As you can all imagine I'm pretty stressed out at the moment. I'm not sure if I'm being to sensitive but I don't think I'm getting a lot of support from my partner. (my partner is female 🌈) On the Friday she came over, we had the most ridiculous argument and she went home. This floored me as I would never leave someone alone after a (semi) diagnosis. And tonight I was blown off as she was tired and had a few red wines. Really?? Catch an Uber. I’m not that far. My point is, what have been your experiences with partner support? I'm already worried. We've been together for just under a year so not sure how she copes with stress.
Do you celebrate Valentine's Day ?
As yet another lonely Valentine's Day comes along I think of how others may be 'celebrating', how circumstances can be so different. Some will be cuddling up and enjoying spending time together. Some will be travelling near and far. There may be flowers and chocolates, plans for a great day out together. Some may be visiting hospitals or nursing homes, battling to even remember each other. Some may just think it is all a beat-up money-grabbing venture. With the new lockdown in Victoria I cannot go to visit my Valentine (he is at his final resting place). However you are 'celebrating', please take the time to appreciate all you have. Please, no political comments, allow others to enjoy this day if they want to celebrate it. Hugs to all, especially those who have no-one with whom to share the fun of the day.
Husband not coping
Does anyone have any advice dealing with a husband who is not dealing with a diagnosis? He’s leaning on me for emotional support and has spent most of the holidays drunk (he was a heavy drinker before) but he just sees the diagnosis as using drinking as a way to cope. I’m trying to stay strong and recover from chemo while caring for our daughter. I’ve been dealing with things pretty well but his outlook is just causing tension and frustration. I understand he’s doing it tough but I need support now. I nursed him through a cancer diagnosis 5 years ago but he says he can’t handle it because it’s me. Sorry for the rant. Does anyone have any suggestions?
husband not coping with my physical appearance since failed reconstruction
Hi I had a mastectomy and immediate reconstruction on breast that was prev radiated - I was aware of risk might fail and unfortuantely that has happened. 'I am left with a mound with nipple and v confronting to look at as sort of collapsed on itself. My husband is really struggling with my appearance and cant bear to look at it. I think he has been in denial and now cant avoid fact.. he is quite angry and tells me is more that he is put off/disgusted by fact have put on weight(about 8kg) that fact have no breast. Does anyone know of a support group for partners/husbands or any ideas how I can support him? He is v resistant to counselling....:(
Is anyone Type 2 Diabetes with diet control and Diaformin/Metformin Tablets, not on insulin?
Just wondering if anyone has Type 2 Diabetes and on Diamformin/Metformin tablets & diet control, rather than insulin? Or a partner who is? My husband is a Type 2 Diabetic & his levels are a tad high just now. I'll be getting him to the Dr for further tests in the next day or so - but am just wondering what your diet is & exercise regime? Feel free to PM me if you'd like. His Diabetes is almost certainly as a result of his stomach cancer surgery & chemo 10 years ago - he was diagnosed as Diabetic about 3-4 years ago. He only weighs 55kg & is already a life long athlete and still relatively fit, (tho slowing down now with age at 83.) We also have a pretty healthy diet - all of which are mentioned when blood sugar levels go up. grrrr Any info appreciated, thanks xx
Newly diagnosed .. Glad I've found a safe place
Hello everyone, Glad I've found a safe place where I can vent and talk to others that understand. I had a routine mamogram and they found a large mass or lump, so I had to have a core biopsy and lymph node biopsy, boy I dont want to go through that again, it wont hurt they said!😣 I've had my bone scan and now waiting to see the surgeon tomorrow. Absolutely scared stiff of the results and the plan he has for me, I want to know but it feels safer not to know.😐 I feel like putting a sign on the front door ...'The carer needs a carer'! For six years I've been carer for my husband who has kidney failure. He's now on dialysis after a failed transplant due to a quad heart bypass! We know the hospital nearly inside out, now we are going to get to know a new set of nurses and Drs. Luckily my daughter is very supportive and is going to come to appointments with us to take notes and remember what I dont. I've had good and bad days since the diagnosis which I'm sure you will all relate to, what an emotional roller coaster, I feel so sorry for me ,scared of the pain to come and the disfigurement. This only happens to other people! 😢
Heartbroken, but unbroken
We have just been hit with a TNBC diagnosis. My wife is 44 and we have two young kids. Our world's been turned upside down. There's so much raw emotion and the sense of grief that we all know all too well. Its been 12 days since diagnosis. She had a mastectomy on Wednesday, and a couple of lymph nodes removed. Today we heard that while the mastectomy went well, the borders are clear etc, one of the two lymph nodes had an 8 mm cancer. We are devastated. She's everything I wish I could be and I wish I could take her place, but I know I can't. We are positive and we are hopeful. She's a fighter, she is strong, she is healthy and young. Love to you all.
Not doing so well tonight
I had my breast reduction local wide excision with 3 nodes removed yesterday. My partner did not offer to come in, so he went to work and I did it on my own. I was a bit disappointed that he did not offer, but as he lost his wife to metastatic melanoma I do understand that this is confronting for him. He came in to visit last night, and brought me a coffee on his way to work this morning. The breast care nurse came to see me yesterday, she was great, gave me lots of information, fitted me for a Berlie bra and said she would be in to day with some soft forms. I woke up last night in recovery in a lot of pain, that they had a hard time controlling. And I'm in a reasonable amount of pain now. Surgeon came and saw me this morning. She has taken out about 250g including tumor and surrounding tissue. She also said the nodes felt quite firm. She said that can happen with reactive nodes, but I know she was preparing me in case it's not good news when I see her on Wednesday. A different breast care nurse came to see me today, she asked me if I had any questions and I couldn't think of any. I was still feeling pretty groggy from waking every hour last night. My partner has not come in to see me tonight, he has not called to see how I am. I'm in pain. One of my boobs is half the size of the other and I'm feeling completely overwhelmed.
