How supportive is your partner?

Firstly sorry about your diagnosis. Its a scary time for you and you are probably reeling. I hope you are ok and have others who will support you.

Unfortunately cancer makes people react in lots of strange ways. Maybe she doesnt know how to react or what to do. People unfortunately dont know how to deal with tricky topics like this.  It might not be that she is deliberately unsupportive just that the situation might be felt with intensity that is uncomfortable.

My partner was initially quite upbeat, more than i felt because he didnt comprehend the seriousness at first. Later he felt angry and it felt like he blamed me. It has been a rollercoaster for the whole family. Its happening to you but it also kindof happens to them and they feel helpless and guilty about their own emotions. There has been resentment at times because i couldnt do the things i used to. 

Im not sure if my comments are really helpful. Sorry. Its very common to feel a bit alone because noone else seems to get it. 

You are in the right place here with people who understand and will support you.

Michele

Dear Nix,
I'm so sorry to hear that you most likely have cancer. Don't panic too much until you have all of the details.
Partners vary heaps with their responses. Hopefully she comes around to being more supportive, and even goes to the Dr's when you get results. Stay strong, seek support anywhere you can. 
It doesn't help you but my husband has been excellent. But we've been married 43 yrs(teenage bride) and still get along very well.
I hope that your results are better than you may expect.
Let us know how you go, lots of advice here.

Hey Michele.

Thank you for replying. That made me feel a lot better. I guess maybe she might be emotionally immature, who knows 🤷‍♀️

Stuations like this really make you see who will be there for you,  I had cervical cancer two years ago and it was the people I never expected were the ones that supported me.  

I just don't want to burden people, I feel like I really am because it's the second time. 

Thank you for making me feel better. It sucks and I'm angry and hurt but there are so many women like you, like me that are going through the same thing.  We can support one another. ❤️

Thank you Abby.  43 years marriage is just beautiful. I'm glad he supports you. I'ts a precious thing. 💕❤️

I'll be in touch post results on Tuesday. Maybe, just maybe it will be ok. 🤞

Fingers crossed

Hello Nix
So sorry to see you here. Hopefully your results are negative, but it’s still a very stressful time you’re going through.
This is quite a delicate topic, but I also think it’s a really important one, so I’ll share my experience with you.

 I started dating a guy beginning of January last year. I’d already felt my lump, but thought it was most likely not anything and forgot to get it checked due to already being stressed about something else, and being too busy. I found it again almost mid February, and made and app with my GP. I told the guy I was dating of course, who until then seemed really keen on me, and even told me I was perfect for him. That I was the perfect ‘partner’. He was supportive and told me it would be fine. He asked if I’d made an appointment, and kept checking with me to see how I was going. I was living on Central Coast then and him in Syd, so we couldn’t see each other every day. Also, he told me he wasn’t a talk-on-the-phone person, so mostly we texted when we were apart.

Anyway, I eventually got diagnosed and saw a specialist. I saw the guy two more times after that, then it was only texting because of Covid. He texted me every day, all day. I had my double mastectomy, and again he texted to see how it went. After that, at post op, I was told I’d need more surgery. I had issues with the surgeon regarding this, and started to get anxiety. I tried speaking (texting) to my ‘partner’ about it, but he’d disappear mid conversation. Then he told me that weekends he was trying to be tech-free, so I’d hear nothing from him for about 2-3 days. Then he started texting less and less even weekdays.

Two weeks after my DMX, I went for my second surgery. I was in prep, and he still hadn’t texted me good luck or to even see how I was. I ended up getting a fever while in prep and surgery was postponed. I wrote to him about it. He was surprised it was on that day, as he thought due to my issues with the surgeon it might have been called off. All that made me realise was, just how uninterested he seemed in me and the whole thing. Then I started getting really angry that not only did he not ask to visit me while in hospital for the DMX, he didn’t even freaking call. I just thought I don’t care if you’re not a phone person. If your ‘partner’ has just had a double mastectomy, you MOFO CALL HER!!!! And if she’s having trouble with the medical team, and feeling anxious and depressed, you need to be there to help her through it!!! That’s a true partner, not someone who only wants you when it’s all flowers and rainbows. A fairweather  partner.

I was fuming that I was ‘perfect’ while I seemed ok, but the second I got sick that was it. I called him out on it the day before I was supposed to have the surgery again for the third time. Through text again, of course. I told him I didn’t appreciate the lies and pretence, and all he had to do, if he felt like he couldn’t support me, was freaking tell me. I know most people don’t know how to deal with ca, I understand that. But a partner should be there no matter what. In that moment I told myself I didn’t need him, or any other guy, to fight and overcome ca. I’d always relied on myself for everything, so I could do this too on my own, with my own unconditional love and respect for myself. I also cancelled the third surgery and changed surgeons. Most liberating feeling ever. Anxiety and depression both f***ed off after that.

 And about 3 weeks later, I met my current partner, the most wonderful and caring man I’ve ever met. Supported me 100% through the whole thing. And just made it all the more clear how disgusting that other guy’s behaviour was. I still rely on myself and am my own go to person, but it feels so wonderful to have such an amazing partner that I know is also there for me, no matter what. That I can lean on him in my many moments of doubt and fear, in any area in life. 

And please! Do NOT feel like a burden!!! No one in their right mind asks to have ca, especially more than once! And other people might not have ca, but I’m sure they have other ongoing issues that you’ve helped them through. This is life. As I said above, give and take. If it’s not one thing, it will be another. If there’s love, supporting someone is not a chore ♥️

@FLClover What an absolute shit he was - I can believe that, even though you've moved on, it would still be simmering.  

@nix What others have said is absolutely right - she could just be in a panicky denial - it's hard to know how people will react.  Some people come through completely unexpectedly while others you thought would be supportive, disappear.  She may make a definitive move either way when you know what's going on but importantly, you must focus on yourself.  I'm not going to give anyone relationship advice but you need to call it as what you can live with, although if it was me, I wouldn't be rushing to confront.  It may be just that she needs time to process what's going on.  In the meantime, I hope that you have other supports in family and friends.

I think that our partners are probably as diverse as we ourselves are, and that there is no "one size fits all" in how they react. I also think that sayings become sayings, because they resonate with us with their truth. "Trust your gut"...yes, what is your gut saying? Only you know, but I have to say, it seems to me she is withdrawing, either from you, or the potential diagnosis. Many of us have found that breast cancer has resulted in a sifting out process and that there are some who go straight through and down the drain. In my case, my husband (42 years now), needed a little instruction regarding support. We had had a row where I complained that I felt he was not supporting me and that I was alone with my feelings. He was  somewhat confused and pointed out that he took me to all my appointments and now did all the shopping and cooking. (I was having a terrible time with chemo...56 days all up in hospital). I had to point out that trans-port and sup-port were two different things. For transport I could call an uber or cab, groceries could be delivered to the door, and meals...ta daaa they could be delivered too. I told him I needed him, not a servant. I needed him to listen, to hold me, to love and soothe me. Not to always ask "What do you want me to do"?? I told him I knew he couldn't "fix" anything...he didn't need to be my "Screwdriver or spanner"...he needed to be my "blotting paper" as it were. To absorb my grief and anger, not try to fix it. By the way, he is a full on Aspie as is my daughter, so I know from hard earned experience that he need things to be spelled out literally. Euphemisms don't work. I need to say "orange jam" not "marmalade". Tell your partner how you really feel and if she apologises and gets her shit together, well and good. If not, then do what's best for you. One thing is for sure, you don't need to schlep around an albatross as you prepare for the second shitfest of your life.

There's a lot said already that makes a lot of sense. 
By the sound of it your relationship is in its infancy.
Your gut instinct will or maybe will determine what's going on.
At present you need to concentrate on yourself and what's happening medically.
Do you have Mum or just a good friend who may join you at appointments?  
Surf the BCNA website as there's lots of information to absorb including for families,  friends and workplace et cetera 
Take a deep breath and concentrate on your own well being so you are not emotionally distracted when you go for results 
Take care