Forum Discussion
Fighting cancer, husband wants out, children taken away
Hi everyone,
I'm writing on behalf on my sister who is currently fighting cancer and is going through a very difficult time, a year and a half after her cancer diagnosis. This is her story.
Jane and John have been married for a number of years and have several children. There are tensions in the marriage, because John has a hands off attitude when it comes to parenting, whereas Jane believes some boundaries, like attending school, helping with chores, and a limit to computer gaming, are essential. Jane does most of the heavy lifting in the marriage, giving up her career. Jane, in addition, starts working several part time jobs while John goes through regular periods of unemployment.
The stress of this probably contributes to Jane's cancer diagnosis. After two surgeries and 6 months of chemo, Jane is taking hormone blocking medication and as luck would have it, is going through the most intense part of the menopause. Jane finds the stress (and the effects of the medication) too much and loses her temper a few times, while continuing to do the parenting on her own.
John, perhaps not sure whether he wants this burden, is undermining Jane. "People have put their lives on hold for you!". John encourages the children to rebel, and to secretly record Jane in order to "gather evidence". Over Christmas drinks, John arranges with his male police relative to launch a "family violence" order against Jane. Jane is forced to flee the house and has to move in with her elderly parents since she sold her pre marriage unit to fund her children's education. John launches divorce, violence and financial proceedings against Jane, claiming her remaining savings since he, he now claims, is the "family". He also bans any communication between Jane and her children and threatens her elderly parents to never see their grandchildren.
Jane faces court action, solicitors bills, police checks against her future employment and her cancer treatment, alone. She is not allowed to see or talk to her own children. Noone wants to hear Jane's story, the police don't speak to her, there is no institutional support. Jane and her elderly parents feel abandoned, intimidated and fearful of impending court actions.
Being on the other end of the world, I feel absolutely heartbroken not being able to be there for her and give her all the support she needs. She has spent all her life caring and providing for her children and her husband and now it all being taken away from her, at the time when she needs their support. The total injustice of it all infuriates me, especially him being able to manipulate the law and using it to his advantage, as well as totally ignoring the effects that cancer and the medications can have.
I understand that cancer takes its toll not only on the person affected but on the family as well, but surely there must be ways to protect those who are directly affected.
If any of you have any advice for her or can help with the emotional/psychological/legal aspects of it, or simply know someone who went through similar experiences - every little bit of help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for reading this and please take care of yourself and your loved ones.
I'm writing on behalf on my sister who is currently fighting cancer and is going through a very difficult time, a year and a half after her cancer diagnosis. This is her story.
Jane and John have been married for a number of years and have several children. There are tensions in the marriage, because John has a hands off attitude when it comes to parenting, whereas Jane believes some boundaries, like attending school, helping with chores, and a limit to computer gaming, are essential. Jane does most of the heavy lifting in the marriage, giving up her career. Jane, in addition, starts working several part time jobs while John goes through regular periods of unemployment.
The stress of this probably contributes to Jane's cancer diagnosis. After two surgeries and 6 months of chemo, Jane is taking hormone blocking medication and as luck would have it, is going through the most intense part of the menopause. Jane finds the stress (and the effects of the medication) too much and loses her temper a few times, while continuing to do the parenting on her own.
John, perhaps not sure whether he wants this burden, is undermining Jane. "People have put their lives on hold for you!". John encourages the children to rebel, and to secretly record Jane in order to "gather evidence". Over Christmas drinks, John arranges with his male police relative to launch a "family violence" order against Jane. Jane is forced to flee the house and has to move in with her elderly parents since she sold her pre marriage unit to fund her children's education. John launches divorce, violence and financial proceedings against Jane, claiming her remaining savings since he, he now claims, is the "family". He also bans any communication between Jane and her children and threatens her elderly parents to never see their grandchildren.
Jane faces court action, solicitors bills, police checks against her future employment and her cancer treatment, alone. She is not allowed to see or talk to her own children. Noone wants to hear Jane's story, the police don't speak to her, there is no institutional support. Jane and her elderly parents feel abandoned, intimidated and fearful of impending court actions.
Being on the other end of the world, I feel absolutely heartbroken not being able to be there for her and give her all the support she needs. She has spent all her life caring and providing for her children and her husband and now it all being taken away from her, at the time when she needs their support. The total injustice of it all infuriates me, especially him being able to manipulate the law and using it to his advantage, as well as totally ignoring the effects that cancer and the medications can have.
I understand that cancer takes its toll not only on the person affected but on the family as well, but surely there must be ways to protect those who are directly affected.
If any of you have any advice for her or can help with the emotional/psychological/legal aspects of it, or simply know someone who went through similar experiences - every little bit of help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for reading this and please take care of yourself and your loved ones.
17 Replies
- @Locksley thank you, there have been some developments, i.e. the "family violence" court case instigated by my sister's husband against her has been dismissed! However, she is still too scared to contact her children as she hasn't seen them for months now and is worried that they've been manipulated by him all this time and who knows how much. She's found some services that would hopefully help her get back to them. Also, she's now busy with the divorce proceedings that he's been pushing for as well... More hurdles to overcome... I just pray that it doesn't affect her health.
- @Linda_D you and your sister have been in my thoughts. Has your sister received some assistance /help.
- Hi @Giovanna_BCNA
Yes, this is an extremely complex situation indeed, I wouldn't wish that to my worst enemy. She is still trying to fight cancer, and now worries about the court case, the threat of her children taken away, worries about their well being, the family violence accusations, her effectively being homeless right now, and she's trying to work through all this.
Thank you so much for pointing out the assistance services in VIC, I wasn't aware of those and have forwarded the links and the info to my sister. This is most helpful and we really appreciate it <3 Hello @Linda_D
I was saddened to read of your sisters experience. I cant imagine how difficult this situation would be to deal with, its great that she has you for support during this very stressful time. It’s a complex situation and one that requires some assistance with navigation of services available during this difficult time. If possible, can she make contact with an oncology social worker at her treating centre to help guide her with regards to supports services available.
As others have said, she needs to stay connected with her medical team, General Practitioner and breast care nurse. Encourage her to reach out for emotional support and to link in with a counsellor who can provide some one to one support during this time. I understand that your sister is in Melbourne, Cancer Council Victoria offer some legal and financial assistance that she may be able to access. I have also attached a link to the Cancer Services Guide which has some helpful services listed, there contact phone number is 13 11 20. I wish her all the best and hope this situation resolves soon. Take care of each other.
- Yes @Zoffiel, that is the point: her parents do feel threatened, in fact all three of them (my sister and parents) have been experiencing a great deal of psychological distress due to his actions for months now and it's taking its toll on their health as well. When my elderly and frail father went to my sister's house to pick her up, her husband exhibited verbal violence towards him with threats to never let him into the house, see his grandchildren, let them attend his funeral and so on. All this in front of the children! God knows what they think of the situation and how it affected them - no one from the family can go near them or communicate with them due to the restraining order...
Obviously, no one in our family wants to have anything to deal with him again, but since he is trying to misuse the law by presenting himself as a victim and trying to keep the children on his side - all with the help of his relative police officer... Shitty games indeed... :(
All I want and pray desperately is that my sister can get her children and her life back and, most importantly, that her health is not further undermined by this nasty situation he has created. She is still dealing with the aftermath of cancer and now this Sword of Damocles hanging over her head...
Thank you dear @FLClover, for your encouraging and supportive words, it means a lot to us <3 This is so so hard to not be able to be there for my sister and help her through all this as I should be doing... - You’re a great sister to her @Linda_D. She’ll get her kids back. She just needs to make sure her health doesn’t suffer in the process. He’s not worth it. She has enough evidence to fight him back. Just take it steady and think things through carefully before taking action.M 🍀🍀🍀♥️
- @Linda_D if her parents feel threatened, they could trot off and get a restraining order. They are a relatively cheap way of putting a stamp on someone's character (as your sister will have discovered) and it would not be an unreasonable thing to do if they fear further contact from him.
If he doesn't like it he'll have to defend himself; explain why he shouldn't be told to stay away from elderly people who are frightened of him. The only possible reason he would give is that he needs to contact them so they can see the kids.... If he accepts the order, it almost an admission their action is valid. These are shitty games, but he is already playing them
If he is as you describe, the insult to the ego will make him come out swinging. And likely make a complete pratt of himself
Involving the olds in a tit for tat has it's risks, particularly if someone is truly unstable. It could be a very dangerous thing to do on many levels. I'm a bit of an 'Art of War' fan, so this stuff does present as an option for a dark old soul like me.
I am in no way suggesting that this is the right course of action for your family. Sometimes its just nice to imagine watching someone trying to run through a field of rakes and getting repeated smacks for their stupidity. - Thank you everyone for all your input and support, this really means a lot to my sister and myself!
Zoffiel, the modalities of the current legislation protecting only "the victim" is precisely what he is pinning his hopes on. And yes, of course I'm pretty sure that he knows he won't have to look after the children for too long. He's just hanging on to it for now so that he can get the lion's share of the money and after this is all over he can get the life he wants. He knows far too well that my sister will of course take the children back when it gets too much for him. And yes, he is definitely manipulating them at the moment, take for instance the fact that they were reaching out to her right after he kicked her out, but then the communication suddenly stopped. This is not typical of them. He is policing the situation and preventing any contact between her and the children.
Of course there's more to it. He also threatened her elderly parents by saying that he will not allow the children to see them again, not even for their funerals (!). In legal terms, this IS aggression. Would you feel safe leaving your children with someone like that? What values can he teach them? - @Linda_D I am very close to my sister so i can only imagine the stress that this is having on you & not being able to be with her, must be so hard on you both. I was very upset reading your post but some great advice from the ladies above. It sounds like her husband should be the one with the restraining order. It all seems back the front!!
I think your sister would also benefit from a breast care nurse that can focus on her & her cancer journey. I personally contacted a McGrath breast care nurse when I was first diagnosed & she was there for me whenever I needed some advice or someone to talk to, either a visit, phone call or email. Your sister really needs to concentrate on her own wellbeing & getting through her treatment with the best mental & physical state as possible. The more support & love she can get from those around her, the better. I am saddened about her children being taken away. Their support & love would make the world of difference to her at the moment. I cant believe her husband would be capable of looking after them. She definitely needs to seek advice about her situation & be able to have her kids back into her life.
Please send her our love & I hope & pray that she can get the support she deserves but importantly, to look after herself. xx - Thanks @LindaD. I am good and recovered eventually from my first marriage. 20yrs after it ended I met my now husband and he was definitely worth the 20yr wait. 😀. He had stood by me through my breast cancer and I am truly blessed to have him in my life.
I hope both you and your sister find peace.
