Are you a breast cancer survivor who happens to be childless?
I have been a member of this online network since 2014, just after my diagnosis. At a recent breast cancer seminar at a city near where I live, something hit me like it hasn't in all this time, the subject of survivors who happen to be childless. I thought to myself, "Noone talks about this. Why?" This has led me to do my research, as you do, I found this demographic of women are at higher risk of breast and ovarian cancer. It is explained this way, you are at a lower risk of diagnosis if you have children. Interesting I thought, Nuns are at a higher risk of breast cancer and ovarian, not that I am a Nun but an interesting statistic that gets me thinking. Which brings me to why I am posting. I am putting it out there in a courageous way to see if there is another like me. Courageous because for 30 years after my extensive efforts to go forth and multiply I walked away childless. The one thing I learned was to keep it to yourself as I found there were lots of people willing to give you their advice, just like they do with breast cancer 'cures', an emotive issue is best kept to yourself for your own emotional survival. I am running a personal survey just to see if there are other women within this network who are in the same boat as me. Does anyone else feel a little left out when sitting in a seminar and not to be included in the discussions? I tell ya, there is a real sense of alienation, but culturally we are told to, 'just get over it', which is fine and life for me has been fulfilling in spite of it all. My GP doesn't know of another single patient like me which isn't very encouraging in finding my tribe, my mother always said I am different when all you want to do is be like everyone else. So please step forward if you are like me or if you know someone who has a similar story. I feel it is a subject that needs discussion and inclusion because in society we, the childless women are 1 in 5, by choice or by circumstance. Cheers Janet
How to prioritise self care?
So self care is the mantra in survivorship right? I need to do gym three times a week for the weight bearing exercises to stave off the bone damage of Letrozole. Haven't managed to work that into my schedule since early last December. On the days when I'm not at the gym I have to walk because minimum of 30 mins a day exercise, preferably an hour. I have to bust stress, of which I have an excess. So I'm starting a yoga class on Saturday morning. Can't use food and booze to stress bust anymore. I have to sort out my head, get rid of the depression, manage the anxiety, so it's a psychologist appointment every two or three weeks. She wants me to journal. I struggle to find the time. She also wants me to spend 30 minutes a day doing something I enjoy, just for me. I saw my dietician today about my failure to knuckle down and lose weight. My willpower is rubbish and as you know, it's like rolling a boulder up a hill trying to lose weight in menopause on an AI. Have to eat a low sat fat diet because of the Letrozole cholesterol issues. I have to cook most days of the week for a vegetarian, three meat-eating teenagers and a Type 2 diabetes octogenarian. There's also the assorted ongoing medical appointments that seem to roll around with remarkable frequency. This afternoon on my way home from the dietician in Town, I received a phone call from my son saying my daughter was vomiting, a lot. She was already home with extreme tiredness and what she described as stress from the overwhelming amount of schoolwork she has (Yr 10). Of course it could be just that, or glandular fever, but my mind goes straight to cancer. Lymphoma probably... I also get an email from school about my nephew (Yr 8) He's got yet another detention after being given several warnings to rein in his classroom behaviour. The teacher is "beginning to wonder if he has impulse control issues". My son, starting uni next week, has done nothing whatsoever about learning to drive or getting a job and has zero money. How does he think he is going to pay for his day to day uni life? He's been sitting in his room playing computer games and watching anime since November. From the beginning of January I've made him cook dinner once a week. My niece continues to be the most difficult of them all. Almost continually rude, refuses simple requests, sulky, terrible sleep issues & much more. So to properly deal with each one of those issues takes buckets of time and buckets of money. GP appointments, specialist child psychologists and who knows what else. About to take vomiting daughter to the doctor now. My self care, if done properly, would take buckets of time and buckets of money. There are no buckets here. If there's a choice I have to prioritise the kids. Any prioritising of myself is already accompanied by massive guilt. I am really struggling to arrange my survivorship life. And that's even before I start trying to find and then hopefully get a job. How does everyone do this? How do I recover fully and lead a healthier, engaged life in survivorship, and take care of everyone else, have a satisfying relationship with my partner, a job, maintain contact with my friends, keep fit, lose weight, not be stressed and feel OKish about everything? Is it actually possible to do at all? Yours from the House of Bad Behaviour and Vomit, KFamily Drama
I just want to say I have had an absolutely shit day because of my family. Not the one I live with, but the one I was born into. I won't bore you with the details, but I've been incredibly upset, and my stress levels, already high, are now through the roof. What do other people do when they have family dramas mid-treatment? I know that it is hard to get out of your own head when you are dealing with BC. Since I had the call back letter from BreastScreen it has been virtually impossible for me to think of anything else. But I have tried, especially with my family. I have plastered smiles on my face, I have tried not to worry them. I'm trying so hard to keep everything going. We are told to de-stress our lives to protect and improve our health. But what if the stress is from the people who supposedly love you, but who choose to either obstruct you, deliberately refuse to help, or actively attack you (for petty reasons while they are on holiday on the other side of the world I might add) while you are recovering from chemotherapy and preparing to lose your breasts?? I don't know how to untangle this knot. I don't think I've put this very well, but I hope you get my conundrum. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? How do I cope with family drama while having treatment for breast cancer?
Stress ten fold
Hi all I was diagnosed two weeks ago with infiltrating ductal carcinoma. The tumour was apparently 1.3cm . It was removed,surgery went well. Got my results two days ago and the tumour removed was 3.1 cm and it was in the sentiniel lymph node , l have to have chemo and radiation . The tumour was hormone positive only and the stress is i am pregnant , having termination today. I have 3 chn , youngest is 14 months . I do not want the baby . i am not in the right frame of mind and my decision is final . i just need some encouragement people, . I am 39 years old DR said i also have pre cancer cells and may have to go on hormoe tablets as well.
Newly diagnosed
Hi all, my mum had breast cancer at 50 and passed away after 20 year battle. I was diagnosed last week, surgeon appointment tomorrow, surgery booked already. I also had my first grandson last week, same day was having all my mammograms, ultrasound etc. Do I tell her as she is interstate or wait until closer to surgery date. I have my sister & brother supporting me as I live alone.I’ll know more when meet surgeon tomorrow. Dad is in 80s still debating when to tell him. My brother cried. My sister has had cancer, chemo etc so I know we are survivors!
Family are not being respectful of my wishes
Dear all, I have invasive BC. I had surgery in May and I am currently having chemo. When I was diagnosed after much thought I decided to only tell my immediate family and a few very close friends. I choose carefully and selected people who i thought would support me. When I told people i had BC I expressly advised each of them that I did not want to have my breast cancer known to anyone else. I wanted my privacy. I wanted time to deal with my emotions. Well my parents (in their 80s and in good health) have told distant relatives. I find out because I was messaged and called on the phone. Shock to say the least and totally unprepared. I was a annoyed with my parents but explained again I wanted my BC private. Again my parents have kept broadcasting my health to others including random retirement village people in their retirement village. I then hear a message from a male cousin i only ever see at funerals that they know of my condition. Of course it was a nice message but hey I won't hear or see them until another family funeral. I challenge my mother and she says I told her to tell all relatives, a complete and utter lie. She says i must have forgotten but my husband knows I was very clear. Our relationship has deteriorated. They just don't respect my wishes. In fact they tell me I am overreacting and there is nothing wrong with telling people. They now suggest i am 'not well'. They are gaslighting here. What do I do? I had asked for space and said I would get in touch when I was able to (The intention was to create some space from them) however my mother can't respect that and haS called twice. Neither call had been good and she continues to gaslight telling me telling me I forgot whst I told her. I am stressed about it. I didn't want a bad relationship with them during this time. There is s long history of not respecting my boundaries. Yes i can forgive but I don't know if I want to see them. I can't trust them. If they contact me and they will i plan to just say everything is fine and no further details. I am not sure if I should cut them out of my journey but at the moment I feel like it given their betrayal.
I've offended my in-laws
Hi I was diagnosed 6 days before Christmas. I'm 33 and have 2 daughters aged 3 and 6. When I told my parents and sister the news, they all came to visit to be with me so unexpectedly, we ended up hosting Christmas celebrations at my house. It's taken all the energy I have to get out of bed (early) each day with a smile on my face to ensure my children had a joyful Christmas. This past week, I haven't been too focused on anyone but my girls and my husband. Today I've discovered my inlaws are offended that I didn't speak to them on Christmas Day. My husband called them but I didn't get on the phone to speak - I'm not even sure why - it's all a bit of a blur. I called to speak to my sister in law today and she was extremely short and very cold. I feel like I need to apologise now but I'm also angry at her for not cutting me some slack (her husband is an oncologist FFS I thought she'd understand). Any tips for how I can explain my failure to call them? I don't feel like I can say I just forgot as that will be more offensive. I really need to smooth this one over for the sake of my husband but I'm on the verge of exploding and telling them all where to go. Does anyone have some sage words to help me out of this one?
Newly Diagnosed 18/2/2020
Hi Everyone, my name is Lois and my life got bit of a shock last week when the doctor said "It is Aggressive, Invasive Breast Cancer". The emotions went into hyper drive and I left his room and promptly threw up in his garden. Luckily, my husband was there for that much needed clean up and cuddle. My "Lump" had been there for over 5 months and as I have Lupus, merely thought it was a torn chest muscle that was taking forever to heal. Unfortunately it wasn't. Instead it is a Stage 1, Grade 3 estrogen receptor cancer (I think that is what they said!!) located in the upper quadrant of my left breast on my chest wall. The lump is nearly 30 mm... Yesterday, I met with the Specialist for the first time and my Breast Care Nurse - both very calm, methodical, easy to approach and allowed me for the first time in nearly 3 weeks to let my breath out and come home with a positive outlook - even though I know the months ahead will shake, rattle and roll me to exhaustion and beyond. At the moment, the decision is to take out the lump and relevant lymph nodes then radiation therapy. The view to full removal of both breasts will be considered once I have done healing....especially as "we" are unsure how the Lupus will react as I have been in constant flare up with a myriad of symptoms for nearly a year now. The whole thing of rejection of breast tissue for reconstruction etc needs to be considered at length and with advisement of specialists. I am alternating between being scared and rationally calm. The hardest bit of this news, was having to tell my children and watch the sheer horror cross their faces. That took my breath away. So...that is me. Trying to find a sense of positivity amongst the fear and monumental freak out sessions since I was told the news.
Is it possible for a 16-year-old to get breast cancer?
I'm 16 and have a family history of breast cancer. My mother carried both the BRCA 1 & 2 genes (and was diagnosed during her mid-thirties) from my nan, who had breast cancer three times. I've been checking my breasts regularly from the age of 13 (at my pop's suggestion), and have recently noticed a small lump underneath my left nipple, as well as discharge from my nipple, a rash around it and a painful breast. Is it possible for me to have breast cancer at this age?
Screaming inside
I need to vent. I want to scream, slam doors, hit something Two days ago my daughter visited & told me she has been diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. She was strong, composed, not emotional as she talked about it being treatable, not curable, talked about updating her will. I think I am still in shock. We have since spoken on the phone, particularly about how & when she will tell her two children. We are taking her tomorrow to her first chemo appointment & I need to remain calm, as that is what is necessary. When I told her in 2011 of my diagnosis of early breast cancer, we were calm & positive together, though she did blink away tears. I always felt throughout my journey that things are more difficult for the carer than the patient - now I am experiencing that role & I can't stop the tears. My dear husband is quiet as he always is, but I know he is shattered. Now that he has gone to bed I can let tears flow & write this. We are angry - why didn't she have regular mammograms after my diagnosis? Why did no-one pick it up earlier? I feel guilty - is it genetic - my mother, myself - even though both diagnosed later in life? Guilty too because I just want to hold her while we both sob – but that won’t help her. Fortunately she has a best friend, one who supported her through her marriage breakup; there are also other friends, but my help will be needed too & I must be strong when I feel like collapsing in a heap. Any advice, suggestions on how best to support her & the kids would be welcome.