I've offended my in-laws

The question about who will support your husband when YOU are going through this is an important one. I agree that in my experience partners deal with our diagnosis in different ways. Like you, my husband has a stressful and high powered job. He couldn't be there for me when i was first diagnosed and that really made things difficult for him - especially since he watched his step mother die of the exact same type, grade and stage of breast cancer that I had only 5 years before. Once he could be by my side, he was a rock. It's only just recently after over 12 months of treatment that he has opened up about how much my diagnosis and treatment has affected him. In fact his NEW Year's resolution is to be more honest about his feelings. My husband bided his time, but now he feels like it is his turn to let his emotions out. And now I really welcome it. It's a bit of a delayed reaction and I am not sure how we could have coped with us letting our emotions and fears out at the same time earlier on but now we have enough energy to deal with it. SO, I understand your worry about hubby, but it may not come to the forefront for some time yet. My advice is to be patient and to listen and he may let you know what he needs probably someway down the track.

My thoughts are with you
Nadine

I've been diagnosed with cancer twice, 20 years apart.  I learnt a lot about human nature that has stood me in good stead.  People's reactions do vary greatly, and you can't be totally responsible for them, and some will heal with time.  For instance, my in-laws never visited me in hospital.  Not because they didn't care, but because they hated hospitals. although that was not something they could voice.  I had to learn to manage my expectations of other people so I was not plagued by disappointment.  Obviously your in-laws reaction is far more drastic and harder to manage.  
The second time I was the person who could be accused of treating my own parents poorly.  They are now elderly and require a high level of care when visiting (from 1000k away).  They wanted to visit, but with a bilateral mastectomy, rapidly being followed by chemo, I couldn't cope with their requirements as well as support my children and partner.  There were some painful conversations that took some months for everyone to really get over, in denying them their 'right' to visit.
The most critical relationship and support is between yourself and your husband.  When I was diagnosed early last year my partner and I had only just committed to living together two weeks prior, and he had moved from interstate to do so.  I took two actions to provide him with the support I knew he'd need.  I called a few appropriate close friends and explained that the support I needed was them supporting him and providing some specific direction on how they could do that.  For my partner it was calling him to have a chat, but for others it might be the pub for a chat.  There are many variations.  The second was giving him a role of communicating news to friends when I felt incapable.  This meant he was talking to people early on and sharing feelings.  Appropriate support for your husband may be something entirely different of course.
Good counselling is great.  It can be hard to find and to fit in, and hard to get a partner to accept though.  Keep talking to each other.  Share your fears and confusion, but be clear that they need not be his burden; just things you need to get off your chest.  Acknowledge that neither of you will be playing Superman or Superwoman roles this year.  It will be super just to get the kids to care and provide a meal at the end of the day.  I learnt to keep my opinion of how the kids were dressed (although I still don't understand how they ended up with dresses on back to front) or their hair done, or even if the food was healthy.
Good luck and take care.

Men have not been socialised to be as communicative about their problems the way that women have. There's a lot of stigma around men's physical and mental health issues and it's hard for them to express vulnerability. It's really sad and the results of keeping all that in can be devastating. Support networks are so important to help us get through tough times. @"Ad Lib", I'm going to send you a PM with a resource for your husband.

Interestingly men often don't need the amount of support women need and enjoy.  We often love talking to our friends about our problems whereas often men often are quite happy not doing the same.  

Reading about his family disowning him, it occurs to me this might be a good thing and help remove pressure from him.  From your description they sound like they might have had a practice of putting a lot of pressure on him.  I mean, what sane supportive family disowns someone whose wife has been diagnosed with cancer?  

In the course of a year my husband had two weekends away going to the footie with our son.  The trip away and the footie did him some good.  

Good luck with all the treatment.  Karen 

I actually feel sorry for the oncology brothers wife if he is so unfeeling about your treatment. I am with the stealth idea and getting mates around your hubby. We were new to the area but I told all the neighbours and many of those helped hubby by having a yarn usually about anything but my treatment and it helped him feel more normal.

My husband saw a counsellor through our GP. 

I am flabbergasted how self focussed these in laws are. FFS your husband spoke to them on Xmas day. I phoned nobody  on the day...I focussed on my family with me. I sent a quick text pre and post Xmas and caught up then...12 months on. 

Ad Lib Im sorry to hear things haven't improved at all, seems to be a massive loss in communication thats blown into something that maybe its not. Were you not very close to them prior to this? It is a shame and strange over just one phone call. Best to keep focus on you, if he has at least one good friend he'll be absolutely fine, Men handle things very differently to Women. There is absolutely support out there however for him, I recall reading through one of the bookets and it talks of how spouses cope. My partner only had one mindset, do what you have to do, get it done and most importantly his attitude was its a gliche nothing more, lets ride through the storm it too will pass. He was level headed and matter of fact, coped incredibly well. So day at a time, you'll both get through it better than you ever would have thought and be stronger for it! Hugs Melinda xo

Well what a nong!
When I was diagnosed through Breastscreen they had put us with a Counsellor. Her advice was to surround ourselves with positive people. Keep the negativity out
That's what you've done here! People never cease to amaze. I lost a girlfriend as it was all about her yet she'd never had BC and I was expected to do it her way without consideration for me.
Have you ordered your free My Journey kit - order through BCNA online. There is booklets within to help partners and families.
Check the BCNA site for resources near your area.
By stealth is a great suggestion.
Take care

Stealth sounds like a very good idea. Many intelligent and lovely men (my partner for one!) have quite limited means of letting off steam or sharing their fears, about a lot of things. I have to confess that a support group wasn't entirely appealing to me but individual counselling was really useful to me for a relatively short difficult period during treatment and my partner did give it some house room when he required treatment after surgery a few years later. But letting a few mates know that keeping him to a night out occasionally or something similar, may work well. 

Goodness me, I'm glad he isn't my oncologist. On second thoughts, I almost wish he was--so I could sack him!

My partner is also a bit isolated; he doesn't live with me but is worrying himself sick over my situation. I've worded up a couple of my mates and they've started giving him a call during the week or inviting him out to the pub for a beer on a Saturday afternoon even though I'm too crook to go. I think it's doing him some good--it's making him feel like part of a larger group and  he's realising that I'm not on my own and that there are people apart from him who will do some of the heavy lifting if required. I'm lucky to have some fantastic people in my life and together they are propping each other up. There is absolutely no way that he would go to a support group or a counsellor so I'm doing it by stealth.