Is "Brian" the new Farnham??
So.......I thought I had given my lump "Brian" a beautiful farewell concert, complete with audience, drinks and a hearty "F...k Off Brian" back in March. At that stage, I was cruising through the Stage 1, grade 3 euphoria of "You got this Girl!" Doctor will do a Lumpectomy one morning, rip out a few nodes, dose of radiation and some pills just in case. Oh yeah, I was still scared, but I was being told - "we" got this!" "Brian" has left the building!!! So......the discovery of a 85mm lump of "Brian" and 4 positive nodes and 1 pissed off node, caused panic and it is now Mastectomy time. The family and I throw a "Fast and Furious" Movie Marathon as a Farewell to "Lefty". Receive a beautiful Love Note from my oldest daughter thanking "Lefty" for being an amazing breast and the Husband gets the final touch.. Rocked up for surgery on 6th May -it goes really well. Up and about that afternoon walking with the drip in my room, that I share with a 72 year old Lady who "Screams" in her sleep, calls out my name nonstop, refuses to eat and sneaks off for cigarette breaks. I wanted to go home just so i could actually sleep and rest!!! Anyway, 2 days after surgery, Dr. (I am God) Bolshy turns up with his entourage of Junior Registrars and says - "you can go home and by the way you are now Stage 3, Grade 3 and walks off." W.T.F. Did you just say? I had to chase this Bastard down the hallway and make him come back to my room!!!!!!!!!!!!! he refuses to tell me anymore other than you have jumped from Stage 1 to Stage 3 - the surgical team will tell you. I met up with the Surgical team last week and all hell breaks loose! "Brian" made a comeback!!! In fact "Brian" had been a busy little Lead Singer - shacking up with as many "Cell Groupies" as he could find the energy for and also shacked up with a Node (making 5 positive now and 1 annoyed) while spreading the love around! All he needed was 3 weeks of love action and he had created another 2mm aggressive growing "lump" near the original site where he was sliced/diced from the show and left his love juice in the form of 18mm of "Baby growing cancer cells" in my milk ducts. I am literally so shocked, I am unable to talk, comprehend or make any sense of what i was being told. What happened to "We got this??" Even though I am told "Brian is gone" and all is well - I am wondering if "Brian" is going to do a Farnsy and keep on making a comeback tour??? Anyway, IF Brian has left any love juice in my body or is thinking of making a 'Come Back" tour - He is in for a rude shock! I have a new band signed up to play in my body - SHE is called "Chemo and The Chemicals".....playing Centre Stage for the next 5 months in LOIS TOWN.....!! (lol) My new Motto: Find positivity in the little things and Use your words to defeat adversaries! Big Hugs Lois......who is not a Doctor's doormat.
Depression, Anxiety and Suicide
This is a post for those of us who suffer from depression and entertain thoughts of leaving this earth. Not everyone is comfortable calling a help-line but Beyond Blue has an on-line resource which may be helpful to us in those dark moments. I do know it has made my friend think and not act with a disastrous outcome. Even if death does not occur sometimes the injuries of an attempt can be far worse. I hope this helps even one lady. Anne www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning Sending happy vibes to all.
A tiny inflatable boat in a huge storm
Like many others, here I am joining this not-so-sought-after club- and feeling very much like a tiny inflatable boat in a stormy sea. I‘be just been diagnosed this week, although the process has been a bit back to front due to how busy things are during COVID. It feels like everything is happening all at once. Every day this week my understanding of my situation has radically changed. My brain is struggling to comprehend. What I know so far is that it is 99.9% likely that I have inflammatory breast cancer. Even before the biopsy the doctor was prepping me for the likelihood of chemo starting next week (🙀👎💩). But now, having received my FNA and core biopsy, the appointment has been moved up to tomorrow. Understandably I am freaking the @&$! out! My rational brain knows this is “bad but good”. Bad news, but good to have modern medicine, urgent care, to know this is happening in my body. I’m struggling to keep up with the pace of things, let alone telling people in my world AND figuring out what to do as a self-employed business owner. Finally I come to my question: for those of you who have been in this “new diagnosis shock” stage, what are the things you think can wait, and what are the things a person should focus on at this time? Eg/ should I be worrying about my business right now? How much should I let everything fall apart? Well, that turned into an essay-length vomit of all my feelings but having read other posts, I know I’m not alone in this weird state of diagnosis mind!!! (Thank you to all the posters on this site for your generosity in sharing your painful experiences, searching the threads has been really useful and helped me to gain a little more perspective with everything I read).
still in shock
Five weeks ago I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma in both sides. I have had surgery and have a oncology appointment next week. The pathology result down graded the cancer from 2 to 1 and lymph nodes were not affected. So some good news in a not so good situation. Everyone around me has been so supportive and positive. It is very hard to tell people the emotional devastation I am going through. In the scheme of things my situation is no were near as bad as some and I keep telling my self that I should be greatful for a good pathology result. But still the tears flow.
Spoons of energy
Here's an analogy I heard recently. It helps describe to people who aren't living with chronic pain/illness what it's like in a way that's a bit easier to understand. Every day, I wake up with 20 spoons full of energy. This is my entire allotment of energy for getting through a day. Getting out of bed, some days this takes 2 spoons. Having breakfast, getting ready and driving to work in traffic and walking to the office - well that's 3 spoons if the traffic is bad. A whole day at work - there's 10 spoons right there. And if I have to go to a meeting which ratchets up my anxiety? Let's add another 4 spoons to get through that. If there's a medical appointment on this day - wow that could be any number of spoons. Getting home will take another 3 spoons after I have walked to my car with aching feet and burning joints and battled more traffic nightmares. So by the time I get home, I've gone over to 22 spoons. Where do I get the extra spoons from? How do I find the energy to make dinner, have a shower, prep lunch for the next day? Do I take the energy from tomorrow? What then? I have to start tomorrow with only 18 spoons of energy. How do I ever catch up? I guess what I am learning through this is that I need to be more careful about giving away those spoons of energy on things that are not useful, not helpful and drain me too quickly. Do you deserve my spoon? Have you earned my spoon? What would I prefer to allocate my spoon to?Be aware and be safe with Beyond Blue
I often read of members wo are going through tough times but don't have easy and timely access to a counsellor. A few months ago attended a session for people who feel anxious or depressed and we were given a fantastic tool to help us through the bad times. I completed my safety plan when feeling really 'up' and when I am alone and really 'down' during this Victorian lockdown and the whole pandemic worry I get it out and feel it does help me to get through. The plan is simple but works. If you have this tendency I hope you will take the time to view and complete this. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning/create-beyondnow-safety-plan Sending big hugs to all. 💖
INVISIBLE WOUNDS and The Power of Words.
I have a sad but true story about somebody who thought his feelings weren't valid or acceptable. At 3am one morning a man turned up at his home in a taxi. His wife didn’t expect him, surely somebody would have told her he was coming. He was snuck in under the cover of darkness, without announcement, so he wouldn’t have to deal with the fall out that would be waiting at the airport during daylight hours. He was told not to speak to anybody about what he had seen or been involved in as nobody wanted to hear it, some people thought he shouldn’t have been there anyway. There was no debriefing, no counselling and nobody to talk to. Anybody who hadn’t been there wouldn’t have understood any way and the only ones who could comprehend were under instructions to be quiet and keep a low profile. He wasn't to make other families scared or angry if they still had relatives over there. Nor was he to lower morale of anybody about to go. He was told to have the rest of the week off, get back to work and on with his life. Toughen up. It could be worse, he could have died there right? At least he was alive. He was never the same. How could he be. There were no forums to be able to express the ongoing fear, the anger, the depression, the nightmares, the daily pain. No validation that his thoughts were normal given the situation. No empathy for the constant anxiety. No friends to say, hey mate, I know how your feeling. I get it, I’m here for you no matter what you want to tell me. Those things could not be let out until somebody decided it was acceptable. By that time, it was too late. The years of keeping all that locked up, feeling like nobody wanted to hear what he had to say, that he was weak for not being able to get back to normal and just put up with the fallout had turned into a bottomless dark pit with seemingly no way out. The story finishes at the end of a lonely dirt road with a car, carbon monoxide and a devastated family. There have been many discussions about likening a cancer diagnosis and all its fallout to PTSD. There have been a number of discussions closed (and rightly so when it becomes a slanging match) when things go totally off tangent. Moderation by the moderators is at their discretion and this is their gig. However, what is not helpful is being moderated (even unintentionally) amongst our own community. People are encouraged to see councilors and talk it out. Sometimes all that is needed is a good chat on here. Everybody’s safe place right? We all need to stand and support each other together or some of us will fall.
