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Shae's avatar
Shae
Member
4 months ago

Letting go of blame - WHY did I get cancer?

I've just listened to BCNA's excellent podcast: What you don't know until you do, and one of the comments there made me want to share something that might bring comfort to anyone wondering “Why me?

When I was diagnosed, I went straight to questioning what I might have done wrong.  I think a lot of us do.  It’s easy to assume cancer comes from our own doing - e.g. drinking, not exercising enough, or eating poorly.

But in my case, none of that fits.  I have never smoked or drank alcohol (!), and for decades now I’ve exercised daily and eat a vegetarian/pescatarian diet with no dairy, no processed food, and very limited processed sugar etc.  Over the last years, I'm moved to a job that's relatively stress-free and giving me much satisfaction and flexibility.  I’m young, healthy, lean, muscly, and don’t carry any of the high-risk genes.

And still, I got breast cancer.

I’m not sharing this to scare anyone or suggest healthy habits don’t matter.  They absolutely do — and I believe they’re helping me now in recovery, physically and mentally, and hopefully they've contributed to having less aggressive cancer type.   But I’m sharing it in case it helps some of you lift some guilt.  If you’ve been blaming yourself for a glass of wine, skipped workouts, or a part of your diet — please don’t.  Cancer is complex, and sometimes it just happens, even when you’ve done everything “right.” 

Sending love and strength to everyone going through this.

*Moderators - pls feel free to remove if not appropriate* 

6 Replies

  • You've nailed it, Shae​ - 'they'  (the experts) really have NO IDEA why ANYONE gets ANY cancer. 

    Well done on checking out Charlotte Tottman's What you Don't know Until you Do tho ...... As a Psychologist who'd advised women diagnosed with BC for some years - she was surprised that when diagnosed herself - she really didn't expect to be so unprepared for 'the process'.

    I've had extended family members who've had lung cancer & have never smoked ...... been an alcoholic & never had ANY cancer ..... been a World Champion Triathlete who (like you) NEVER smoked or drank alcohol & NEVER ate unhealthy food - yet died from Stomach Cancer ...
    Sadly life can just be SO cruel and unfair sometimes.  😪   

    However, some cancers are Genetic (eg BRCA gene for BC) ...  My own theory is that 'everyone has the chance of getting cancer at any time' ... sometimes it can be an injury that causes rogues cells to multiply ..... or some 'other' condition that may trigger the explosion (maybe a virus or other illness?)   

    Who knows, maybe one day, they will invent a 'mini chemo' pill that will be taken regularly .... that will hunt down 'circulating tumour cells' that are already in our body, just waiting to find something to attach to!  It is a very real possibility, further down the line!

    No amount of wondering 'why' will change the diagnosis - but being positive & maintaining a healthy lifestyle during & after treatment should help recovery & ongoing good health. 

    We all ask 'why' but there is just no realistic answer to it - so no-one should beat themselves up for the diagnosis. 

    There are so many young kids (under 10) who are diagnosed every year - and lifestyle & food are highly unlikely to have 'influenced' their diagnoses ..... it is just pure bloody bad luck  😢

    So .. I reckon it is VERY important to just 'get on with it' to the best of your ability, post op and post treatment ... and do the best that you can, to get thru the treatment.   Just keep doing what you love doing (relative to your treatment & side effects - and there may be some!)

    Just be very aware that (at any time) lingering aches or pain 'may' indicate a problem .... but, my mantra has been 'If In Doubt - Get Checked Out'!!  So far, so good!

    Take care & all the best

  • Everyone needs to learn that we have 1000s of cells replicated in our body every day, and often they don't replicate 100%  copy. Usually, our body destroys them and we have no idea. But sometimes, they make it through the defense mechanisms, then they replicate again, again and again, and if the defense system can't kill them, sometimes we may end up with a cancerour tumor. Its kinda bad luck. Even people who are super fit , healthy ..it can happen to anyone.Random.

    of course we can reduce our chances with healthy lifestyle .'But looking for blame, self depreciation.. its a waste of emotional energy.

    I see so many women come to support group after diagnosis trapped in the why me .what did i do.

    I wish every woman really knew it could happen to them, and more about breast cancer in general, so they were not so completely shell shocked when it does happen to them. It could reduce a lot of the pain and grief upon diagnosis.   

    • Kristen's avatar
      Kristen
      Member

      Exercise & Cancer | How Targeted Exercise Can Help Fight Cancer.

      May 11, 2016

      By the time you hit midlife, odds are you or someone close to you will be touched by cancer. Cancer remains a potentially lethal lottery and everyone's experience is different. But appropriate exercise under professional supervision - before, during, or after treatment - seems to substantially improve your odds.

      Catalyst meets a group of cancer patients that is experiencing extraordinary benefits from prescribed targeted exercise programs.

      Oldy but a goody.

      THE Catalyst episode on the study that changed the cancer treatment recommendations and started the exercise prescription movement.

      Watch this if you need some motivation to exercise.

      At 13-14 mins a good explanation of cancer cells.

      Great to help in understanding the big question many have of 'why' cancer happens.

      https://youtu.be/ffgAVrANmS4?si=I7sE-aoGB2WQ4k20

  • Shae​ 

    The best answer I ever got for my question 'Why?' (not 'Why me?') was from my surgeon's nurse - 'because you're postmenopausal and have breasts'. And no, you don't need to be postmenopausal either! 

    The stats are a good reason why the 'Why me?' question is increasingly irrelevant too - why not? I wonder how many men with prostate cancer ask the question? Some cancers are heavily linked with triggers - to the point that they may constitute causes, but many are not. Some of course are genetic - but, as in my case, many women who get breast cancer have no history of cancer at all in their siblings, parents or grandparents. 

    We ask because we think somehow an answer makes it easier to accept - it doesn't really and there's always someone with a really loopy theory! Or that something we did (or didn't) caused the cancer. Statistically that may include getting older - not something we actually want to change! 

    Treatment is steadly developing (not necessarily more pleasant, but often more effective) and I have always found the following helpful - 'Don't look back, you are not going that way'. Best wishes.

  • This is lovely in theory however my mother was recommended by two separate doctors/specialists to start HRT for her mild kidney disease and bone density at age 60, 6 months ago. She then immediately developed two separate hormone receptor positive breast cancers in the five months after that (oncologist said it would have grown over 5 months). We have been completely medically gaslit at every turn and I really just want someone to apologise to her. Not that it will change her situation it just sucks that she would never be in this situation without the ‘advice’ of a specialist that had just gone to a conference about HRT. She had to save up to go to that specialist. Also, the only reason she was convinced to try it is because I was due to have her grandchild whom she wanted to be at her healthiest for. Now she is having chemotherapy and can’t even hold my new baby. How is that for sliding door moments for you 🥲

    My mother cared for both of her parents as they died of various cancers in their 60s, which I horrifically remember and have always lived in fear of history repeating with my mother (and my children experiencing it - full circle moment. Hooray!). She is the most caring, selfless person. She eats healthy, volunteers, has an active, physical job and doesn’t smoke or drink. My mother-in-law does all of the opposite and brags about her perfect health (like many others I know). The world has truly chewed and spit her out in so many ways I can’t even fathom and she continues to be the strongest most positive person I know. Even without being able to hold her grandchild we so wished for. She really has been through enough… but I guess not…

    Anyway sorry to be such a downer. Good luck to everyone on their BC journeys! x 

    • Formymum's avatar
      Formymum
      Member

      I just can’t get over the fact that Mum was told ‘you probably would have got breast cancer anyway’ about the HRT. Maybe but HRT accelerated the s*** out of it. Also constantly being told that all of my family members have died of cancers is just ‘luck’. There is no way. They just haven’t discovered the faulty genes yet…